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The Happy Butt

Do you find the cloud in every silver lining?   Is the glass not only half empty, but evaporating?  Do you start every day thinking

Smiley head happy
Smiley head happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

about how the effects of entropy on the universe make everything you do ultimately pointless?

You may be a pessimist.

Pessimism gets a bad rap.    Without pessimists, we wouldn’t have insurance plans, missile defense systems, or Eeyore, and what would the world be without those things?

The thing you have to ask yourself is “Does the negativity make you happy?”

The next thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not you were lying with your previous answer.

If you have a negative outlook on everything, I have good news for you:  it’s possible to defeat it.   No matter how long you’ve been looking at the world through coffin-colored glasses, no matter how ingrained your negative slant is, it’s possible to change it.

You have to want to change it, because, as the saying goes, old habits die hard.   Yippee kai yay.

You need a happy butt.

Little known fact: language shapes the way you think.   If your language has no words for a concept, you will have a difficult time thinking about that concept, or even understanding it.    Statistically, Asians are better at math than their western-world counterparts.  Why?   It’s not genetic.    When a family moves to the US, the edge is lost within 2 generations.    It’s not the amount of school they get.    Even in backwaters with limited school access demonstrate the same abilities.

It’s the language.   Euro-based languages are horrible.   They are a clumsy mish-mash of crap from around the world, and the numbering system makes no sense.   11, 12, 13, huh?   Spoken, that’s not a progression, it’s something we have to learn by rote.   Why is 13 pronounce “thirteen”, with the ones place first, but 23 is pronounced with the tens place first, the way it is written?   Where did the word “twenty” even come from?  It’s obviously a horrible bastardization of “two” and “ten”, but is it self-evident?   Does the progression through the decades follow some kind of rule?   Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty.  Nope.

The Asian languages (most of them) differ.   The numeric progression is spoken in a rules-based progression that makes sense.   23 is literally “two tens three”, making learning math less about rote memorization and more about masters some simple rules.

In the western world, we are handicapped by our language, at least when it comes to math.

The rest of our thoughts are formed by language, too.   Learn a language with different roots than the one your were born with and see how your perceptions change.

One of the signs of negative thinking is qualifying everything you say negatively.   For example, one person might say “It’s a beautiful day, today” while Mr. Negativebritches would say “It’s a beautiful day, but it’s probably going to rain.”   That’s a sad butt, err, but.   Every time you qualify a sentence with a sad butt, you are reinforcing your negative view of the world.

The solution?  Drop your drawers and paint on a smiley face.   You need a happy but(t).    You can rephrase the sentence into a happy thought without changing the sentiment or meaning  in any way.   Try this:  “It’s probably going to rain, but it’s a beautiful day, now.”   That’s a happy butt, and it reinforces the positive in your mind.

It sounds stupid, but it works.   Your language shapes your life.   Put a positive spin on what you say, and you will eventually start to think about life in a positive way.

Give it a shot.  For the next week, every time you say something negative, qualify it with a happy butt.   At the end of the week, come back here and tell me how it’s working and if you can sense a change in your mindset.

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Cutting Costs While Cutting Hair

Beauty Girl Surprise.
Image via Wikipedia

About once per quarter, my wife and I have a…I won’t call it a fight.  It’s more like she-comes-home-looking-stunning-while-I-make-disapproving-grunting-sounds-while-giving-the-checkbook-dirty-looks.

I hate salons.

$80 for highlights, $30 for a haircut and $15 for eyebrow “shaping”.   It’s an afternoon of chemicals and hot-wax torture, for the low, low price of $125 + tip.  Frugal it’s not, but that’s an argument I lost long ago.

This weekend, she tried something new.

Beauty school.

For roughly the cost of materials, she got her eyebrows “shaped” and her hair highlighted and cut by a senior student at the beauty school, under the supervision of a licensed beautician/instructor.

It looks good, and she said she had more fun during her appointment than any other salon trip she’s had.   I guess there’s something to be said for interacting with someone who isn’t burned out on interacting with the general public.

What does it cost?  What normally runs $125 cost just $35.  That’s for a $5 cut, $25 highlighting, and $5 wax.   That’s a $90 savings or 72% off.  Yay!

Other services they offer include:

  • Full color, cut and shampoo for $20.
  • A Perm for $25.
  • Mani/pedi for $24.
  • Full set of acrylic nails for $15.
  • Wax for $5.  Have I ever mentioned that I am happy to be a guy?
  • Seaweed treatment for $10.  I don’t even know what this is.   A buffet, maybe?

They also have a “Princess” package that we’re going to use for brat #2’s birthday party next month.   It’s an up-do, nail polish, make-up, and tiara for $10 per kid.  We’ll take the girls out to get made up all pretty-like, then off to the dollar theater, for a $35 party.

The school my wife visited has more than 90 locations in 21 states, but I’d be willing to be every city big enough to support a Wal-Mart also has a beauty school nearby.  They don’t tend to advertise their customer services, so you’ll have to call, but for a 70% discount, it worth spending a bit of time on the phone, isn’t it?

I have two questions for you, dear readers:

  1. Would you consider going to a beautician trainee?
  2. What the heck is a seaweed treatment?
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How to Die Well

A "refusal of treatment" form from o...
Image via Wikipedia

Most people don’t die quickly.

As much as I would rather die suddenly–while putting a smile on my wife’s face–the odds are that I will spend my last hours or days in a hospital, unable to make the decisions about my care.

Will I be doing my vegetable impression after a car accident, or be left unable to speak during a botched Viagra implanantation in my 90s?  I don’t know.

There is one thing I know about the end of my life.  I do not want to linger for months, blind and deaf, on a feeding tube.   I don’t want my family to spend the last few months of my life secretly ashamed of hoping for my burden to end.   I’d like my end to be quick enough that the emotions they are feeling aren’t a sad combination of guilt and relief, just sadness at my passing and happiness at having had me.

That’s the legacy I’d like.

The problem is making my wishes known.  If I’m lying in a hospital bed, asking to be allowed to die, they’ll consider me suicidal instead of rationally considering my request.  If I’m completely incapacitated, I won’t even be able to ask.

I can certainly make my wishes known beforehand, but how will my family be able to communicate my desires to the doctors in charge and how will they convince the doctor that they aren’t just after my currently imaginary millions?

That’s where a living will comes in.   A living will, also know as an advanced directive, is simply a formal document that explicitly states what you want to happen to you if you are too out of it to make your wishes known.

Aging With Dignity has put together an advanced directive called Five Wishes that meets the legal requirements for an advanced directive in 42 states.

The Five Wishes are:

1.  Who is going to make decisions for you, if you can’t?   For me, the obvious choice is my wife.  She appears to like me enough to want me around and love me enough to do what needs to be done, even if it’s difficult.  On the chance that we end up in the same car accidents, matching vegetables on a shelf, I’ve nominated my father for the unpleasantness.   I don’t think I’ve told him that, yet.

2.  What kind of treatment do you want, or want to refuse?  When my Grandpa was going, he made sure to have a Do Not Resuscitate order on file with the nursing home, the clinic, and the hospital.  He knew it was his time and didn’t want to drag it out.

3.  How comfortable do you want to be?   Do you want to be kept out of pain, at all costs, even if it means being drugged into oblivion most of the day?  Do you want a feeding tube, or would you rather only receive food and fluids if you are capable of taking them by mouth?

4.  How do you want to be treated?   Do you want to be allowed to die at home?   Do you want people to pray at your bedside, or keep their religious views to yourself?  Some people want to be left alone, while others are terrified of dying alone.   This wish also covers grooming.   Personally, if I soil myself, I’d like to get cleaned up as soon as possible.   I’ll have enough to deal with without smelling bad, too.

5.  What do you want your family to know?  This includes any funeral requests you have and whether you’d like to be cremated, buried, or both, but also goes beyond them.  Do you want your family to know that you love them?  You can also take this section to ask feuding family members to make peace or ask them to remember your better days, instead of the miserable few at the end.

The last 3 wishes are unique to the Five Wishes document, but they are excellent things to include.   The most important part of advanced directive is the advanced part.    You have the right to want whatever works for you, but your wishes don’t matter if nobody knows about them.

How about you? Do you have a living will?  Does your family know what you want to have happen if the worst happens?

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