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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.

Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?

Me: Yes?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: May I ask what that was for?

FMe: Of course.

Me: What was that for, jerk?

FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.

Me: What?!? I’ve never even met you, before.

FMe: Of course you have. I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.

Me: Huh?

FMe: Listen close. You’re not the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.

Me: ???

FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.

Me: I don’t appreciate….

FMe: Shut up. I was dumb then, too. Remember? You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year. On top of many other expensive decisions. Do your recall?

Me: Yes, I do. So what?

FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car. Your kids wear new clothes. You’ve got a house full of new furniture. How did you pay for all of that?

Me: Naturally, I charged it. Zero payments, zero interest for a year! Pretty smart, huh?

FMe: What happens in a year?

Me: I don’t know. I’ve got a full year to figure that out.

FMe: <Slap!> I’ll tell you what happens! Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed! Your raise didn’t come through. You had a baby. The truck broke down. Your wife took maternity leave. A roommate moved out. You took a loss in the stock market. You didn’t plan! You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.

Me: How was I to know?

FMe: <Slap!> Life happens! You never know what is coming next. You need to plan and save for what might happen. Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly. That is not acceptable.

Me: So? What are you going to do about it?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: Really? Again?

FMe: <Slap!> I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help. Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux. My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford. You’ve screwed me, dude.

Me: I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?

FMe: Buy me dinner, first.

Me: Huh?!?!?

FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change. No credit.

Me: None?

FMe: None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Only spend what you can afford. Budget. Pay off those nasty bills. Don’t leave me hanging.

Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?

FMe: Exactly. That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence. Live in the real world.

Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me! Now I know.

FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

4 Ways We Keep Wasting Money

Finance

: Image by Getty Images via @daylife

MSN Money has an article up on common ways money is wasted. Here is my spin.

We(as a species) tend to do a great job of wasting money. Between inertia and the emotional pain of cutting off something we have gotten used to–whether it be Netflix or a 3rd arm–it’s hard to kill wasted costs. As Robert Heinlein said, “Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal.”

MSN listed 4 ways to make your money go bye-bye:

1. Credit cards

According to the article, in the US, the average rate of interest is 15% for a total nation-wide debt of $850 billion-with-a-B. That’s insane. I lucked out and quit using my cards before the CARD act forced all the issuers to send their rates to the moon. I’ve opted out of every agreement change since then, while I pay off the remaining balances. 15%! If you buy something for $1000 and pay it off in a year, that’s $1150. What could you do with an extra $150? It’s time to get out the torches and pitchforks and drop by Mr. Debt’s house.

2. Overdraft fees

I set up an overdraft protection account years ago, because it was a heckuva lot cheaper than bouncing checks. It came with a 25% interest rate and a $2 fee per use. A couple of months ago, they boosted the fee to $10 per use. Jerkface, you’re already cashing in on my interest, do you have to touch me like that at the beginning of the date, too? Thankfully, we haven’t used our overdraft protection since we went on our debt-killing crusade in April of 2009. Oh, Mr. Debt! You’re going to have a really bad day when I get to your house. There will be a smoothie à la Otis when I get there. Side note: If you’ve got a dark sense of humor, rent Otis. Not only will you love it, you’ll get the smoothie joke.

3. Unused memberships, gift cards and rebates

Gym memberships are the big example here. People buy a membership because they set some awesome New Year’s resolution, use it for 2 months, then spend 6 months telling themselves they’ll start using it again soon before they finally cancel. At $30 per month, that’s $180 that could have been spent sending me presents. If you must get a gym membership, wait until spring. That’s when people tell themselves they don’t need a membership because it’s so nice out, they can just exercise outside. When people tell themselves that, the gyms cut membership costs to lure people in to start their own 6 months of denial.

Take a look at your other recurring costs, too. Do you use the cable package you have, or could you be just as happy with the next one down? Do you need the donkeys-and-kneesocks-around-the-world channel? You’ve gotten your 10 CDs for a penny, can you tell Columbia House where to go with their $20 per CD commitment?

4. Airline fees

This one is easy. Forget the 3 hour lines, fees for showing up, Pervo-Scan™, and minimum-wage molestation agents masquerading as cops. Drive whenever possible. If it’s not possible, show up in a kilt, regimental-style(assuming you are a guy!). Don’t check a bag, just ship if overnight to your hotel. Most of the time, that’s cheaper than $50 per bag, anyway. Avoid the fees as much as possible.

What other ways have you wasted money?

The Zombie Guide to Saving

Finance

Brains!

Nobody has ever accused a zombie of being smart. The are, after all, dead and rotting. Their primary means of education themselves is eating the brains of the living, which is hardly an efficient learning style. Besides, in a strictly Darwinian sense, their victims are among the least qualified to teach useful skills.

Zombies smell. They are little more than flesh-eating monsters. They are lousy in the sack. Yet, for all their flaws, have you ever heard of a zombie in debt or worried about financing retirement? They are obviously doing something right.

What can you learn from a zombie? That depends on the type of zombie. Not all of the life-challenged were created equal.

There are 3 main types of zombies:

1. Slow shamblers are best recognized by their lurching gait and unintelligible grunting, similar to a frat party at 3AM. They are rarely fresh specimens. Arguably the the scariest of all zeds, due to the sheer inevitability of their assault, they do always get where they are going, even if it takes a while. Trapped in a pit or a pool, they will keep trying to reach their goal. A slow shambler, were he able to effectively communicate beyond the basic “Hey, can I eat your brain?” would tell you to approach your goals like the famous tortoise: slowly. Set aside an affordable amount in savings every week, no matter what. Even if your are stuck saving just $10 each month, you will eventually get your sweet, sweet brains.

2. Voodoo zombies are the still-living, yet mindless minions on a voodoo priest. These unlucky non-corpses crossed the wrong people–usually by stealing or not repaying their debts–and ended up cursed for it. They are forced to do the bidding of their masters until such time as their debt has been repaid, if ever. Their warning is to always pay your debts and do not steal. Honest, ethical behavior is the best way to avoid this fate.

3. Runners are almost always “fresh” to the game. As they decompose, they slowly transform into slow shamblers. These fellas can often pass for the living…from a distance. By the time you get close enough to identify them as monsters, your brains are on the menu. They are capable of sprinting for short distances and, on occasion, have even been seen to run up vertical walls. To properly categorize the runners, we have to break them down into 2 sub-groups. The first sub-group is the envy of all zombies still capable of envy. They have used their skills to trap enough prey(that’s us, folks!) that they will feel no hunger for the foreseeable future. They are secure. They are the successful runners. The other sub-group tries to emulate the first, but lack both planning and follow-through. While the first group builds momentum to secure their future, the second group tends to use that momentum to smack face-first into the wall, confused at where their lunch went. Constantly charging from one thing to the next, they never manage to sink a claw into their goals. To avoid falling into the second group, you’ll have to settle on a strategy and pursue it with all the single-minded, decomposing determination you can muster.

You know what they say: “Great minds taste alike.” What kind of financial zombie are you?

Selling on Craigslist

Finance

The vast majority of personal finance websites(including this one) focus on reducing your bottom line–cutting costs. The other end of the budget is at least as important. Have you tried raising your top line lately? Have you picked up a side hustle, sold an article, put ads on a website, or even sold some of your stuff? After we had our garage sale a few weeks ago, we were left with some furniture that was too nice to donate or discard, so we decided to sell it on Craigslist.

The key to selling your stuff on Craigslist is taking pictures. They don’t have to be good pictures, just something to let your customers know what they are getting. Take pictures, post the measurements and, if it’s electronic, the model number. Beyond that, a simple description will suffice.

Be safe when you are posting the listing. Don’t give your address and don’t post when you will be home. That’s just a job offer for burglars. When you talk to a potential buyer, never tell them there is nobody home. Tell them your roommate is the only one home and he doesn’t want to deal with the sale. Don’t give strangers on the internet an opportunity to rob you.

When you are meeting a buyer, pick a public place away from home, if at all possible. If you are selling furniture, it may not be possible, but it is for smaller items. Meeting in a busy gas station parking lot or even in front of the police department is a good way to stay safe. Secondary crime scenes are nasty things and inviting the wrong stranger in is offering one ready-made.

[ad name=”inlineleft”]Bring a friend. Preferably, an intimidating friend. Crime is less likely to happen if there is more than one person there. Bring a friend to a public place to meet the buyer to maximize your safety.

Don’t get ripped off. Craigslist scams abound. Bad checks, forged checks, and shipping scams are just some of the problems.

Only accept cash. It’s hard to forge a greenback.

One of the most common scams, after a bounced check, is the cashier’s check scam. You’ll get an email saying the item is great and payment is on the way. When the check clears, a relative of the buyer will come to pick up the item. Then, oops, their secretary made the check out for $3000, instead of $300. Would you mind sending the overpayment back by Western Union, minus $100 for your troubles? First sign of trouble: over-complicating a simple transaction. Second sign: not using cash. The cashier’s check will be forged. There is no way to verify funds on a cashier’s check, and the bank will post it as available well before it comes back bad. You will be able to spend the money, only to have the money disappear later. That means you can’t wait to see if the check clears before wiring back the overpayment. There is no way to recover your money.

If you get a response that includes a link, do not click it! Ever. No matter what the link looks like. Ever. No clickyclicky. It may be an innocuous link to your ad, but the link can be masked. Any other link is almost definitely a link to a virus-ridden website. Repeat after me: No clickyclicky.

If you get an email about Craigslist transaction protection or escrow, you are being scammed. Run away.

Craigslist can be great way to turn your junk into cash, but only if you actually get the cash. Keep yourself safe and scam-free.

Refinancing Through the HARP Program

Finance

HARP Refinance

If you owe more than your house is worth, and want to refinance to today’s low interest rates, you need to check out the HARP program. Millions of homeowners with underwater homes are finding relief in a new version of the Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP). Refinancing to lower interest rates could slash your monthly mortgage payment or shorten the time it takes to pay-off your mortgage.

The new HARP loosened qualification rules, making it it easier for underwater homeowners to qualify for a refinance. When HARP 2.0 was released in November 2011 you had to work with your original lender. Since March 2012, when Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac rolled out the automated underwriting systems, you can work with any participating HARP lender. That means more competition for your business and better rates for you

HARP 2.0’s Hurdles

There are two series of hurdles you must clear before you can refinance your loan under HARP 2.0. The first set of hurdles concerns the loan itself. The three key eligibility questions are:

Is the loan owned by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac?
If so, was the loan purchased by Fannie or Freddie on or before May 31, 2009?
The loan was not refinanced under HARP before (some exceptions apply).

If you answer yes to these three questions, then your loan may be eligible for HARP.

Tip: If your loan is a FHA loan, then check out a FHA streamline refinance loan.

The second set of hurdles concerns your finances and property. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac set up the basic guidelines. There are two basic ways your loan can be processed:

Manual Underwriting System: Only your original lender (who is also your current servicer) can process a HARP loan through the manual underwriting system.
Automated Underwriting System: Any participating lender can process a HARP loan through the automated system.

Keep in mind that lenders are free to have stricter qualifying rules than the basic Fannie and Freddie requirements.

When shopping for a HARP loan, here are some of the main points to look out for:

Credit Score Requirements: Fannie and Freddie have no minimum FICO score requirements. However, each lender has its own credit score requirements, so if you are denied by one lender, keep shopping.
Income Requirements: Your original lender can approve a loan with no debt to income ratio (DTI) requirement. However other lenders must qualify you based on your DTI. The rule-of-thumb for a HARP loan is a 45% maximum DTI.
Timely Mortgage Payments: The HARP program allows for no late mortgage payments in the last 6 months and one late (30 days) payment in the preceding 6 months. However, some lenders do not allow any late payments.
Investment Properties Qualify: You can refinance a second home or rental property under HARP 2.0.
Fees: Lenders are not consistent in the fees or the interest rates they charge for HARP 2.0 loans. Some lenders charge a few hundred dollars for HARP 2.0 loan fees, and others charge thousands. It pays to shop around, so you can compare interest rates and fees.
Condos: While HARP guidelines for condos are tricky, many more condo owners will qualify for a loan under HARP 2.0 than under the first version of HARP.

Applying for HARP
First, go to the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac Web sites to learn if either owns your loan and whether they bought your loan on or before May 31, 2009. If so, you can contact either your current mortgage servicer or shop around with the many lenders who are offering the HARP 2.0 loan.

If your application is rejected, ask for the specific reason why. If you applied with your original lender, find out whether the lender used the manual or automated system. Request manual underwriting if your original lender turned you down based on automated underwriting, as it may result in your loan being approved.

It pays to shop for HARP 2.0 refinance. Many homeowners report one lender will reject their application, but another will offer them an attractive refinance. Second, lenders are not consistent in their offers. As mentioned, closing costs are all over the map. Interest rates vary, too.

Summary
HARP 2.0’s rules are technical. Each lender creates different overlays. If you believe you qualify for HARP 2.0, be persistent! The rules that are in place today could very well be expanded in the future. This is one instance in life where shopping can be the solution to your problem.

Quit Smoking: My First Frugal Move…Ever

Finance, Life

: Image via Wikipedia

It’s nearly the 5 year anniversary of my last cigarette, so I though I’d bring this post back to the front page.

A bit over three years ago, we found out that my wife was pregnant with baby #3. When we decided to have #2, it took us two years of trying. Naturally, we assumed we’d have the same issues with #3. Imagine our surprise when it only took 2 weeks. At that point, we were getting ready to celebrate brat #2’s first birthday.

That mean’s 2 kids under 2. Two kids in diapers. Three kids in daycare. Baby formula again.

We weren’t making ends meet with two kids, how were we going to manage three? I dropped my pack-or-two-a-day smoking habit.

But, I’ve gone over that before.

This post is about how I actually quit.

Some Facts About Me

I don’t do things by halves; I tend to do things all the way or not at all. For years, my wife would ask me to cut back, to just smoke a little less, but that never worked. If I had cigarettes, I smoked them. I always had cigarettes. When I eat, I eat. I’ve never managed smaller portions. I used to drink a case of soda each week, just because it was there. Moderation has never been my friend.

As a corollary, I don’t cheat. At anything. Ever. Because of the above fact about myself. I don’t moderate myself when I give myself rules either. If I draw a line, I obsessively avoid crossing it.

The problem comes when I try to give myself a “gray area” rule. “Smoke less” always leaves room for “just one more”, which easily leads to “I only cut out one cigarette yesterday, so what’s the use?” I had to be done.

After smoking for fifteen years–more than a pack a day for at least 12 of those–that’s an intimidating thought.

The Plan

The first thing I did was set a day to quit. I chose the day after my Halloween party. Before that would have been setting myself up for failure. Booze, food, and long conversations in a smoking-friendly environment were just 3 of my many triggers. I always smoked more at my parties, so the day after, I didn’t feel up to smoking much, anyway. I’d just ride that wave of “I don’t feel like it” to to holy city of “I quit”.

I didn’t quit smoking the next day, I just quit buying cigarettes. That left me half a pack to curb my cravings.

I also knew that nicotine cravings are about the most distracting thing I’ve ever had to deal with. That doesn’t make for a productive computer programmer, so I bought a box of the generic patch that Target carries. I started with Phase 2, because I wasn’t interested in prolonging the process. I just didn’t want to spend my work days thinking about smoking instead of designing software. I needed something to take the edge off, without actually smoking.

My plan was to have the patch at work, so I’d be able to work and to stretch those last 10 cigarettes out, as long as possible.

The Result

It worked. The pack lasted 4 days, I think. I smoked during my commute and after dinner. I used the patch only when the cravings got to the point that I couldn’t concentrate. After a week, I stopped using it at all. A few days later, I had a particularly stressful day and cheated. I took 3 puffs of that cigarette and threw it away, because it tasted like crap and I wasn’t enjoying it. That’s when I knew I was successfully done smoking. It was a 10 day variation of “cold turkey”. More than 3 years later, I have an occasional cigar, but never due to a craving. The day I experience a nicotine craving is the day I burn my humidor.

That’s how I quite smoking, strictly to try to get my finances in line. That has saved me at least $10,000 over the last 3 years.