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Bribes vs Rewards
What’s the difference between a bribe and a reward? It’s a question that has been heavily on my mind lately. As a father of three–1, 3 and 10–motivating children occupies a lot of my thoughts. Is it possible to motivate a child and reward good behavior without resorting to a bribe?
First, let’s look at the definitions:
bribe n.
1. Something, such as money or a favor, offered or given to a person in a position of trust to influence that person’s views or conduct.
2. Something serving to influence or persuade.
re·ward n.
1. Something given or received in recompense for worthy behavior or in retribution for evil acts.
2. Money offered or given for some special service, such as the return of a lost article or the capture of a criminal.
3. A satisfying return or result; profit.
4. Psychology: The return for performance of a desired behavior; positive reinforcement.
In my mind, a reward is given either as a goal for planned activity or a surprise for good behavior. When used for surprises, it should never be common enough to be expected. If a child is only behaving because she is expecting a reward, it is bribed behavior. She should always be surprised to get the reward.
Using a reward for goal setting is no different than collecting a paycheck. Is my company bribing me to do the work I do every day? They plan to reward or compensate me for the work I plan to do for them. While that my be blurring the line between compensation and rewards, it is valid. My future paycheck is the motivation for my current work.
Bribes, on the other hand, are reward for bad behavior. If my three-year-old is throwing a tantrum in the grocery store and I promise her candy to stop, I have just taught her that the “reward” for a public tantrum is candy. This is reinforcing negative behavior, which will only escalate in the future. If a temper tantrum earns a candy bar, what will she get for hitting Mommy with a frying pan?
The line is further blurred by preemptive bribes. If I tell my children there will be candy when we get home if they behave in the store, it’s still a bribe. Promising dessert if my son cleans his room is a bribe.
So what is the difference?
Bribes reward negative behavior. Whether that is actual behavior or anticipated behavior, bribes provide a reward for it. If you use a treat to end or preempt bad actions, you are bribing your child.
Rewards celebrate positive behavior. A promised treat for going beyond expectations or a surprise for excellent behavior is a reward. It should never become common, or the child will discover that withholding the positive behavior will generate promises of larger rewards. The goal is to reinforce the good to encourage positive behaviors even when there is no likelihood for reward.
For example, my son’s school is part of a reading contest. Over a two month period, if the students read 500 pages outside of school, they will get tickets to a basketball game. If they are in the top three for pages read, they will get personalize jerseys and on-court recognition. My son did the math and was reading enough to surpass the 500 page goal, but not enough to get into the top three. I offered a prize if he made it to 2500 pages. In my opinion, that’s a reward. He was already going beyond the requirement. I have provided motivation to push himself beyond what he thinks he can do. That’s positive reinforcement of good behavior.
On the other hand, when my eight-year-old was refusing to eat dinner, we offered a cookie for dessert if she ate well. That’s reinforcing negative behavior by giving a reward for misbehaving. A bribe.
Rewards are positive responses to positive behavior to motivate future good behavior. Bribes are rewards for negative behavior, real or anticipated, that only serve to encourage more bad behavior in the future.
30 Day Project – February
My 30 Day Project for February is to be able to do 100 push-ups in a single set. The most common reaction when I talk about it? “You’re nuts!”
Is it ambitious to the point of being aggressive? You bet. 30 Day Projects aren’t supposed to be easy. This is going to be a difficult painful month.
On the other hand, I have five fingers. How many people do you know able to do 100 pushups? I don’t know any. In 4 weeks, I will know one.
What have I done to prepare? Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. I am starting this from scratch.
Here’s my plan:
At this moment, I can d0 20 pushups. I am going to start with 5 sets of 2/3 of my max(14) with a one minute break in between sets . That will happen in the morning and before bed. Each session will involve more pushups. I need to add about 3 to a set each day to get to 100 by the end of the month.
Now, it’s entirely possible that I won’t be able to manage 5 sets of 14, or that my progression is unmanageable. That’s ok. I refuse to test my endurance on this, and I’ve done no research. I’m flexible and willing to adjust my plan to match reality.
Aggressive and painful. Wish me luck.
Link Roundup
In an effort to make sure that both of my readers can’t possibly miss the things I think are important, I’m going to start doing a weekly roundup of the best of the internet. Judged solely, and arbitrarily, by me.
On topic:
These, naturally, are the posts that fit the theme of this site.
How To Check Your Federal IRS Tax Refund Status. When I checked a couple of days ago, they were about 2 weeks out.
TurboTax has screwed up the property tax refund form for Minnesota. Thankfully, I haven’t filed this, yet, but I did verify the problem.
Where do you want to be in 5 years? Start taking those steps, now, or you will never get there. Find something, no matter how small, and do it.
Deficit Neutrality doesn’t count, if a massive initial purchase is offset by future intentions to cut spending.
Off topic:
This is just some of the random crap I think is worth sharing.
If you’re going to argue on the internet, make sure you have your sources right. Primary sources are better than secondary.
Bring back dueling to ensure good manners.
Here’s a guide to saving water-damaged books.
I am a shameless geek and reformed DnD player, so this room was exciting to see.
Decluttering the House – April 30 Day Project Update
My 30 Day Project for April is to declutter my entire house. That’s every room, every dresser, every drawer. We’ve got 12 years of jointly accumulated clutter.
Our progress so far has been wonderful. The main level of our house is almost done.
In our daughters’ room, we put in bunk beds and pulled out a dresser. With the crib, changing table, and toddler bed removed, they actually have room to play on the floor. Their closet has been emptied and repurposed as scrapbooking and blanket storage. Cost: $140 for the bunk beds.
Our son’s room has had a dresser, a desk, and a bed replaced with a loft bed. Even with the 6 foot tall monstrosity of a bed, his room looks so much bigger. We still have to clean out his closet, which is mostly artifacts of a business we no longer have, leftovers from when his bedroom was our office. Cost: $260 for the loft bed.
Our room was depressing. Never dirty, but oh-so-full. The closet was jam-packed. The top shelf was full of towels and sheets. The closet rod couldn’t fit another shirt. There was a modular shelving system on the floor of the closet–full. We had three full dressers. The headboard has 5 foot tall cabinets, half of which were full of makeup and jewelry, the other half with books. Now, there is 1 empty dresser. It belonged to my great-grandmother, so it’s going to the shop to be refinished, instead of the garage sale to be sold. Another dresser has spare room in it. There’s no need to rearrange the cabinets to get to anything. The closet is less than half full and there is almost nothing on the floor of the closet. Gear for my side-line business is stored out of sight and out of the way. This is so much more relaxing.
We’ve tackled the kitchen, except for 1 cabinet, which is mostly cookbooks and booze. That will be fun to clean out.
Our front closet was worthless. It was so full we put hooks on the outside of the door to hang our coats. We pulled out a dozen coats we never wear. At least 20 pairs of shoes, some belonging to roommates gone 1o years. We can actually use the closet now. The shoes and boots all have homes. Our coats all fit…inside.
We have 1 closet and 1 cabinet left to address on the main level. There are also 3 small rooms in the basement that need to be gutted–the laundry room, the family room, and a room that has been designated for storage and the litter box. The last one will be the hardest. It’s full of remnants of hobbies past and failed ventures. I’m expecting some fights, flowing every possible direction.
In the process, we’ve filled our dining room with stuff for our garage sale…twice. It’s all getting priced and boxed as we go through it. We thrown away anything we won’t be able to sell. We’ve done all of this with the mutual understanding that nothing is coming back in the house. After the sale, it will be donated or sold on Craigslist, but it won’t become a part of our lives again. We are successfully purging so much. The “skinny clothes” are gone. When the time comes, they’ll be replaced. In the meantime, they can be put to better use on someone else. Hobbies that never took, games that are never played, it’s all going. We are getting down to the things that are actually used and useful.
It’s interesting to note that the process is getting easier as the month goes by. My Mother-in-Law is a hoarder. Those habits get passed down, but what was originally a source of stress has turned into a pleasant chore.
The most wonderful discovery of all? It turns out we don’t need a better storage system, we just need less stuff.
Update: This post has been included in the Money Hacks Carnival.
Festival of Frugality #278: The Pure Peer Pressure Edition
Welcome to the Festival of Frugality #278: The Pure Peer Pressure Edition. If everyone else was jumping off of a cliff, would you do it, too? Maybe not, but what happens if you surround yourself with people who hold the same values as you and are striving for personal growth in the same way? Peer pressure doesn’t have to be negative.
“Peer pressure is not a monolithic force that presses adolescents into the same mold. . . . Adolescents generally choose friend whose values, attitudes, tastes, and families are similar to their own. In short, good kids rarely go bad because of their friends.” – Laurence Steinberg
Shameless plug: If you like what you see, please take a moment to subscribe to Live Real, Now by email or RSS or follow us on Twitter. All your friends are doing it.
Editor’s Picks:
Dinks Finance shows us a few ways to negotiate your mortgage fees. Take a few minutes to read this post before you get a mortgage.
Money Ning reminds us that everyone needs a crappy job early in their working life.
Personal Finance by the Book is leading the fight against the 100,000 mile mindset.
Free Money Finance shows several ways to have fun dates on the cheap. My secret is to make it look “creative” and “unique” instead of “cheap”. You don’t have to cave to the pressure of “expensive” to have a good time.
“Most literature on the culture of adolescence focuses on peer pressure as a negative force. Warnings about the “wrong crowd” read like tornado alerts in parent manuals. . . . It is a relative term that means different things in different places. In Fort Wayne, for example, the wrong crowd meant hanging out with liberal Democrats. In Connecticut, it meant kids who weren’t planning to get a Ph.D. from Yale.” – Mary Kay Blakely
The Best of the Rest:
Budgeting in the Fun Stuff talks about my favorite tax-funded institution: the Library. I’ve easily save thousands of dollars since I started using the library consistently.
Babies are undeniably expensive. Squirrelers provides some tips on limiting the early expenses.
“Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” – Author Unknown
Wealth Pilgrim shows how his daughter discover the secret to saving 80% on college costs. The trick isn’t just going to a state school, but what you do when you get there.
ptMoney shares some copy-cat recipe sites. I love making copy-cat meals with better quality ingredients for half the price.
“Every society honors its live conformists, and its dead troublemakers.” – Mignon McLaughlin
Magical Penny recommends tracking your net worth. Mint makes that easy to do.
Smart Wallet talks about going cash-only and the benefits of credit cards. I am currently cash-only, but plan to transition to a good rewards card when all of the debt is gone.
Simple Life in France discusses radical simplicity and frugality in relationships.
“There’s one advantage to being 102. There’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg
I’m a bit of a foodie and more than a bit cheap, so when Not Made of Money talks about creative uses for some we stock up on, I’m listening.
Wanderlust Journey explains the Carnival Cruise loyalty program. I’ve been on exactly one cruise and enjoyed it quite a bit. It’s not the best method of travel for all possible destinations, but I can’t think of a better way to spend a couple of weeks in the Caribbean.
Beating Broke just saved a ton of money by switching to…wait, wrong venue. Read how they saved money on a remodel. Don’t be afraid to use your social capital–the skills of the people who care about you.
“If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.” – Anatole France
If you’ve got kids who are planning to play an instrument, you’ll want to pay attention to Budgets are Sexy‘s ideas on saving money on musical instruments.
Free From Broke talks about the hidden costs of home ownership. A home is a never-ending money sink.
“Peer pressure has many redeeming qualities. It is the pressure of our peers, after all, that gives us the support to try things we otherwise wouldn’t have.” – Bill Treasurer
Suburban Dollar explains Swagbucks.
Money Help for Christians shares some tips to save money. I particularly enjoyed the coupon walk-through link.
Provident Planning talks about someone living happily on $7000 per year. I can’t imagine making it on that.
A “Normal” person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, “Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray.” – Alan Sherman
Final plug: If you enjoyed yourself, don’t forget to subscribe to Live Real, Now by email or RSS or follow us on Twitter. All your friends are doing it. The coolest ones are even fans of LRN on Facebook.
