It’s true that the benefits of a parent cannot be measured or quantified in any meaningful way. It’s hard to put a price on the emotional commitment and special experience of raising a child as a parent, some of which may not even be realized by the parents themselves until afterwards. But it is undeniable that the experience of parenthood is a rewarding and special time in someone’s life.
How You’re Finding Me
Every once in a while, I like to dig through Google Analytics and see how people are finding this site. Some of the search terms are interesting.
“father of three” mid life crisis
Here’s a free piece of advice. As a father of three, you don’t get to have a mid-life crisis. It’s not allowed. Rather, it’s allowed, but you aren’t allowed to act on it. At a minimum, until your children are out of the house, you need to man up and provide all of the support you possibly can. No sports cars you can’t afford and no 22 year old hardbodies. Be there for your kids.
“payday loans” which accepts guest posts
Payday loan marketing. Just go away. You aren’t running a guest post here.
“slow carb” hungry all the time
You’re doing it wrong. If you are hungry, eat more bacon. Or beans. Beans fill you up longer.
$1000000 business idea
Ideas are the easy part. Execution makes you a millionaire.
articles on why appearance shouldn’t matter?
Appearances do matter, and always will. Your appearance is what makes the initial impression when you meet someone new. You don’t have to be a model, but basic grooming and fashion sense is necessary. Take this with a grain of salt. I’ve got a week’s growth of a beard and I wear a different plaid, button-down shirt every day.
are push ups supposed to be hard
Only the first 50. After that, I kind of go on blissed-out autopilot. If you can do 100 pushups, you can probably do 200.
acceptable place to put tattoo
If you wear clothes there, you can put a tattoo there. Visible tattoos are called “job stoppers” for a reason. If you put a tattoo on your face, the only job you qualify for is “drug dealer’s girlfriend”. Or possibly prison janitor.
burning bridges with toxic people
If you must burn bridges, filling them with toxic people first isn’t a bad idea.
candied pork butt
Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. Interesting side story: while double-checking the rule number, I stumbled across My Little Ponies doing things they never advertise on the box.
cut my wife’s hair
I did this once. Pro tip: In the back, at the bottom, cut small chunks and leave them longer than you think they should be. You can always cut more, but uncutting hair is really hard.
f***** on the roadside by your mechanic
He probably deserves a tip for that.
girls fart for money and girls live farts
See the bit about the pork butt, remove the funny, and…ewww.
how to be a successful debtor
I recommend starting by paying your bills. When the debts are gone, you win. Success!
i ate bacon on slow carb diet
So did everyone else, sweetie. It’s the biggest draw to the slow carb diet.
in memory of pets tattoos
When I get a pet, I get it with the understanding that I’m going to outlive it. The day I bring it home, some small part of me is preparing for the day when I have to dig a hole in my backyard. Tattooing that day? Not gonna happen.
thickening felt behind testicle
Why are you on google? Go to the doctor. Please?
Interesting. Between girls farting and my post about being well-trained, there is a significant amount of fetish traffic coming through here. Maybe I need to explore a new advertising strategy.
Budget Lesson, Part 8
This is a continuation of the budget series. See these posts for the history of this series.
This time, I’m looking at our discretionary budget. These are the things that don’t have a fixed cost. Any individual item is largely optional, and, ultimately, we don’t track these purchases closely. At the beginning of the month, I pull this money out of the bank in cash, except for 1 category. When the discretionary budget is gone, it’s gone.
- Groceries/Dining – At the beginning of the week, we sit down with a meal planner and (Can you guess?) plan our meals. The planner we use has a weekly calendar with a checklist below each day to build the grocery list. At the bottom of the page is another checklist for staples that don’t apply to a specific day’s meal, like milk or snacks. We build the list, then transfer it to another sheet, broken out by grocery department. That keeps me from having to criss-cross the store. I make one lap. When I go to the store, I only bring that week’s grocery budget in cash, so I keep close track of how much is going into the cart. Recently, we’ve gotten so good at making our meals cheaply from scratch that I reduced our monthly food budget by $50. I enjoy good food, so I wouldn’t reduce this budget item if it was a sacrifice in quality. For example, the Rainbow Foods store-brand chips actually taste better than Lay’s for half of the price. We stock up when things are on sale and cook creatively. Sometimes, if time has been too tight to make a meal plan, we eat solely from the pantry for a week, buying nothing but bread and milk. By sticking to the list, and not fearing the store’s brand, we are able to feed our family of 5 1/2 for $450 per month and still eat well.
- Discretionary – This is for the random things that come up, and some of the not-so-random. Toiletries, activity fees, admissions, and fund-raisers all come out of this fund. At the end of the month, whatever is left gets tucked into a box and forgotten. When the box gets full, it goes to the bank to be applied to debt. There isn’t a lot to cut here, since this line-item is only $200.
- Baby stuff – This category is continually shrinking. Our middle kid is recently potty-trained and our youngest is trying. There is no baby food and no formula, just 1 pack of diapers every month. In 6 months, this category will be eliminated.
- Gas/oil – This is the single category that isn’t cash-based. It makes no sense to take the kids out of the car to pay inside, especially in the winter. Also, all of the temptation is inside. It’s much better to spend the money at the pump. There isn’t much we can do to reduce this, at the moment. Our next car won’t be a full-sized pickup, but we are several years from that purchase. We’ve started clipping oil-change coupons to keep this down to the minimum amount possible.
- Clothes – We only allocate $15 per month for clothes. In a good month, we don’t spend it. We can’t eliminate it completely, because things do come up. Over the summer, I’m hoping to completely leave it alone to save up for a new(used) winter jacket for our older daughter, who doesn’t get hand-me-downs.
- Blow Money – This is the safety valve. It can’t get reduced and still work.
We’ve now addressed out entire budget, including what we can do and have done to keep our costs under control. Looking back, I don’t see too many cuts I’ve missed.
Budget Lesson, Part 7
It’s been a month(again!) since I’ve written a post for the budget series, so I’ll be continuing that today. See these posts for the history of this series.
This time, I’m looking at how to reduce my “set aside” funds. These are the categories that don’t have specific payout amounts and happen at irregular intervals. One of the convenient features of our set-aside funds–also a feature of our non-monthly bills–is that the money sits in our checking account, providing a buffer against overdrafts. The buffer is big enough that I can withdraw our entire month’s discretionary budget on the first of the month.
- Parties – Twice a year, we have large parties. We have a barbecue(not necessarily low and slow, I’m in the midwest) and a Halloween party. We also have three kids with birthdays. Each year, we try to do something exotic at the barbecue. One year, it was a turducken. This year, we’ll be skipping the show-off portion of the show. The Halloween party is never expensive. I don’t drink much, so the bar stays well-stocked without frequent expensive shopping trips. We throw two large parties for less than $300 combined, and our guests start RSVPing a year in advance. We’re fun. The kids are getting gypped this year. I am over my addiction to expensive birthday parties for my kids. There will be a small party for one, a sleepover for another, and a party combined with some cousins’ birthday parties for the third. It sound horrible but all of them will have fun.
- Gifts – We set aside money for presents, but we don’t feel we need to spend all of the money we have set aside. Anything left over stays here. Eventually, it will be something nice for all of us.
- Pet Care – We have 4 cats and a dog. Cat litter and food are expenses that we can’t make disappear. We don’t buy the fancy food, but we also don’t buy the stuff that uses cardboard as filler. We have set a new limit at 3 pets, but that limit will only be reached through attrition. There’s nothing to cut here for a few years.
- Car Repair – This is another category with nothing to cut. If we don’t spend it, and something catastrophic happens to a car, we’ll be covered. If it doesn’t, we’ll have a bit more cushion in our checking account.
- Furnace Warranty – When we bought a new furnace and air conditioner, we got the extended warranty. This is an unlimited renewal warranty, so, in 5 years, we’ll have to buy it again to keep it. If we keep it forever, they will eventually replace our furnace when it dies.
- Medicine/Medical – It’s a sad fact that people get sick. We set aside a small amount to cover our costs. The costs rise and fall, but over any given quarter, I don’t think I’ve been off by more than $5.
I’ve taken a hard look at most of the bills over time, so there isn’t always a lot to cut. Next time, I’ll be addressing our discretionary spending.
Budget Lesson, Part 4
Part 4 of the Budget Lesson series. Please see Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 to catch up. The Google Doc of this example is here.
The final category in my budget is “Set-aside funds”. These are the categories that don’t have specific payout amounts and happen at irregular intervals. When my car is paid off, there will be a car fund added to the list, instead of a new car payment.
- Parties – We throw two parties each year; a Halloween party and a summer barbecue. We also have three children who have varying expectations and needs for their birthday parties.
- Gifts – I don’t buy presents for my friends, and the number of relatives I buy gifts for has decreased dramatically over the years. I do, however, buy birthday and Christmas presents for my wife and kids and I participate in some form of gift exchange with my brothers and their wives. Combined, we set aside about $100 per month for parties and presents.
- Pet Care – We have four cats and a dog. This is to cover cat litter and food the bunch. We have too many pets, but we can’t give them away. They are family. However, there is a moratorium on new animals for a few years. Two cats and a dog are our hard limit.
- Car Repair – Cars break. Tires wear out. This isn’t a surprise, and it certainly isn’t an emergency.
- Warranty Fund – We are building up our own “Warranty Fund“, to replace appliances when they break. I’d rather have the interest accruing than see this as a line-item fee on any of my bills.
- Medicine/Medical – Kids get sick and prescriptions need to be filled. We figure our monthly prescriptions plus one office visit per month, but the money accrues in this fund. On low months, we have more, so we can cover the visits during flu season.
- In The Hole – This isn’t actually a fund we set aside. If, for some reason, we go over budget one month, it gets entered here to immediately pay ourselves back for the over-spend. This month, this number is $170, which is how high we went over for Christmas. Since we have all of the “Set asides” and non-monthly bills stored in the same account, there was no actual debt, just this “paper” debt to ourselves. This serves the combined purposes of a mild punishment for overspending and a method to get back on track.
That is my entire budget laid out. As the series continues, I’ll be examining how I have lowered the bills, how I could lower them more, and how I’ve screwed them up.
Dealing With the Police 101
Last night, a friend called me up and asked me to accompany him to the police station. The police had knocked on his door, waking up his girlfriend while he was out. When he called, they wouldn’t tell him why they wanted to talk to him. Was it an ex trying to make his life difficult or one of his employees getting investigated?
This friend has had a number of interactions with the police, but never learned how to deal with them. Before we left, I gave him a crash course in “stay out of jail”.
Lesson 1: The Police Are Not Your Friends.
During an investigation, you are a suspect. They are looking for a conviction. There may be a “good cop” trying to “help you out”, but he is trying to put you in jail. “Protect and Serve” doesn’t mean you. In general, it means society as a whole. During an investigation, they are serving the interests of the prosecutor.
Generally, they are going to look at you–as the target of their investigation–as the enemy. This is normal. They spend all of their time dealing with scumbags and s***heads. Naturally, they start to assume that everyone who isn’t a cop will fall into one of those categories.
Don’t get pissed when they act rude, ignore you, or anything else. It isn’t a lack of professionalism, it’s just a different profession. They are using interrogation techniques that have been proven successful. Ignore it and focus on Lesson 2.
It will feel wrong to disobey the authority you’ve been taught your entire life to obey. You’re not. You are standing by your rights. Nobody cares about your future more than you do. Certainly not the guy investigating you.
Lesson 2: Your Lawyer is Your Friend.
The second a police interaction starts to look like they are investigating you, demand your lawyer, then see Lesson 4. When you demand an attorney, they stop asking you questions. You can take it back and start talking, so again, see Lesson 4. It’s your attorney’s job to talk to the police and, if necessary, the media. It’s your job to talk to your attorney.
You don’t need an attorney ahead of time. Criminal defense attorneys are used to getting calls at 3AM. It’s part of their job. If you have a low enough income as defined by whatever jurisdiction you are being investigated in, you can get a public defender. That’s better than nothing, but I’d prefer to hire a professional shark, even if it means mortgaging my future. Prison is a big gamble.
Lesson 3. Consent is Your Enemy.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
“Officer, I do not consent to any search and I would like to speak to my attorney.” Remember this. Memorize it.
They need probable cause, a warrant, or permission to search your stuff. Never agree to it. Don’t stop them if they search anyway, but never, ever agree to a search. If the search is done improperly, your lawyer(see Lesson 2) will get the results of that searched thrown out.
It isn’t possible to get into more trouble for standing by your rights. There is no crime on the books anywhere in the US called “Refused Consent to Search”. Your day will not go worse because you defended your Constitutional rights.
Lesson 4. Shut Up.
I know a few defense attorneys. According to them, most of the people in jail either committed a crime in front of a bunch of witnesses, or they talked their way into jail. Shut up. You’ll want to either justify or defend yourself depending on the circumstances. Don’t. Shut up. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but keep your mouth closed. The only thing worse than talking is lying. Don’t lie, just keep quiet.
There is nothing you are going to say that will make your interrogator invite you home for Christmas. He isn’t your friend, you won’t meet his parents, you aren’t going to his birthday party. There is absolutely no win in talking to him. Shut up. The answer to every question is “Lawyer.” If the only thing you say babble is “Lawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyer”, you’re probably not going to do too badly.
In your car, the dynamic changes a bit, but the principles don’t. When a cop pulls you over, don’t argue. You can’t win an argument with a cop on the side of the road. Be nice, be polite, and as soon as possible, pull into a parking lot and take as many notes about the encounter as you can. If you are planning to fight whatever he pulled you over for, don’t give him any reason to remember you or spin his official report to make you look bad. Again, shut up. Catching a theme?
Gambling With Your Future
If you are being investigated by the police, your future–or some part of it–is on the line. While you are gambling with your criminal record and your freedom, don’t forget that you are an amateur in this arena. The police, the prosecutor, and your attorney are the professionals and the stakes can be huge. Keep your mouth shut, call your attorney, and thank me later.