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Fighting Fair

This was a guest post on another site early last year.

Everyone, at times, has disagreements. How boring would life be if everyone agreed all of the time? How you handle those disagreements may mean disaster.

This is particularly true when you are arguing with your spouse. You spend most non-working moments with this one person, this wonderful, loving, infuriating person. Your emotions will naturally run high while discussing the things you care most about with the person you care most about. Arguments are not only natural, but inevitable.

How do you have an argument with someone you love without lasting resentment?

You have to argue fairly. There are a few principles to remember during an argument.

When your partner is talking, your job is to listen with all of your energy. You are not interrupting. Your are not planning your rebuttal while waiting for your turn to talk. Your are listening, nothing else. If you don’t listen, you can’t understand. If you don’t understand, you can’t find a resolution.
Remember that your partner cares. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t feel so strongly about the argument. This isn’t a war, just an argument. She still wants to spend the rest of her life with you. Keeping this in mind will change the entire tone of the argument into a positive interaction. You will still disagree, but you will be looking for a solution together, instead of finding a “win” at any cost.
Search for the best intent. Remember #2? There is an incredibly good chance that, if there are two ways to interpret something your partner has said–a good way and a bad way–your partner probably meant the good way. Even if you are wrong, it is far better to err on the side of resolution than the side of antagonism.
When your partner has finished speaking, it’s still not your turn to argue. Your job now is to repeat your understanding of the issue, without worrying about problem-solving. Before you can refute the argument–or even establish your disagreement–you have to know that you understand her position and she has to know that you do. Without understanding, there can be no path to resolution that doesn’t cause resentment. If you have too much resentment, you won’t have a marriage.

After all of this, it will finally be your turn to make your point. Hopefully, your partner will be following the same rules so you can solve your problems together, without learning to hate each other.

Arguments in your marriage aren’t–or shouldn’t be–intended to draw blood. Fights happen. If your goal is to win at any cost, you will both lose, possibly everything.

Over-scheduled

Life

: Image via Wikipedia

Wow. I’m having a hard time believing it’s August already. Every year seems to slip by a little faster, but this summer has truly flown by, somehow without anything to show for it. I haven’t gotten any of the yard work or household projects finished. I’ve taken on so much that I can’t do anything but the side hustles.

This summer, I’ve been busy. I teach classes one Saturday each month, I’ve picked up a couple of web design jobs, I’m the webmaster for a nonprofit, and I’ve taken on an affiliate marketing project. Oh, and I can’t forget my 50-hour-per-week day job or the ebook I’ve promised to help prep and launch. With all of these projects, my cash flow situation is better than its been in a while, but my time is seriously crunched.

That’s not even counting the family activities. We’ve had swimming lessons, birthday parties and family reunions…all in the last month.

Our family is seriously over-scheduled. It seems like there is no downtime, which is a situation I’ve always tried to avoid in the past. Somehow, I’ve lost the ability to say “no”. Because of that, I’m now left with the impossible task of trying to scale back. While I can’t abandon my commitments, I need to work towards resolving them all and not taking on more.

[ad name=”inlineleft”]It’s time to scale back through attrition. In a month or two, I should be down to a sane schedule again, and able to tackle the things I really want to do that have been indefinitely delayed.

Everybody takes on too much at times. How do you avoid over-committing?

Learn to say no. It is okay to refuse to take on more projects. You probably aren’t the first person to turn down the project and you probably won’t be the last. Don’t assume its your responsibility. It is fine to leave it for someone else.
Prioritize. Don’t prioritize your projects, prioritize yourself. Know what you need to accomplish. Know what you want to accomplish. Deny the things that other people want you to accomplish if the new tasks don’t fall into the first two categories. You need to feed your family. You need to pay your bills. You don’t need to take on the soccer team’s newsletter or volunteer to make 1000 cupcakes for some fundraiser.
Know your commitments. Most people overestimate how much available time they have while underestimating how long a new project will take. This leaves them double-booked. Take a realistic look at what you are currently doing, even if it means keeping a log of your day for a few weeks. You’ll probably be surprised by what you are already doing.
Stay organized. If you aren’t keeping track of what you need to do, you’ll end up running around crazy trying to get it all done. Keep a calendar and leave yourself notes. I get daily reminders of what is on my Google calendar each morning.
Know your limitations. If you aren’t technical, don’t volunteer to build a website. Do your strengths, let someone else deal with the things that are your weaknesses.

It’s entirely too easy to do too much. When every moment of your day has two of more things that need to be done, you’ll do them all poorly. How do you avoid taking on too much?

The Magic Toilet

Finance

: Image by tokyofortwo via Flickr

My toilet is saving me $1200.

For a long time, my toilet ran. It was a nearly steady stream of money slipping down the drain. I knew that replacing the flapper was a quick job, but it was easy to ignore. If I wasn’t in the bathroom, I couldn’t hear it. If I was in the bathroom, I was otherwise occupied.

When I finally got sick of it, I started researching how to fix a running toilet because I had never done it before. I found the HydroRight Dual-Flush Converter. It’s the magical push-button, two-stage flusher. Yes, science fiction has taken over my bathroom. Or at least my toilet.

I bought the dual-flush converter, which replaces the flusher and the flapper. It has two buttons, which each use different amounts of water, depending on what you need it to do. I’m sure there’s a poop joke in there somewhere, but I’m pretending to have too much class to make it.

I also bought the matching fill valve. This lets you set how much water is allowed into the tank much better than just putting a brick in the tank. It’s a much faster fill and has a pressure nozzle that lies on the bottom of the tank. Every time you flush, it cleans the inside of the tank. Before I put it in, it had been at least 5 years since I had opened the tank. It was black. Two weeks later, it was white again. I wouldn’t want to eat off of it, or drink the water, but it was a definite improvement.

Installation would have been easier if the calcium buildup hadn’t welded the flush handle to the tank. That’s what reciprocating saws are for, though. That, and scaring my wife with the idea of replacing the toilet. Once the handle was off, it took 15 minutes to install.

“Wow”, you say? “Where’s the $1200”, you say? We’ve had this setup, which cost $35.42, since June 8th, 2010. It’s now September. That’s summer. We’ve watered both the lawn and the garden and our quarterly water bill has gone down $30, almost paying for the poo-gadget already. $30 X 4 = $120 per year, or $1200 over 10 years.

Yes, it will take a decade, but my toilet is saving me $1200.

AAA – Save Some Cash

Finance

: Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever driven off the road at 100 miles per hour into a grove of trees at midnight, only to have 2 cops and your father spend 2 hours looking for your car with high-powered spotlights? Let me tell you–from experience–that a free two will, in fact, make that night a little bit better.

Enter AAA.

At its most basic level, AAA is just a roadside assistance service. If your car breaks down, you lock your keys in, or run out of gas, you call AAA from the side of the road and they send a hero at any time of day or night. I’ve used the service to get a car pulled out of an impound lot and out of a ditch. They’ve helped move broken-down cars from my driveway to the mechanic.

We pay $85 per year for the basic service, which includes 5 miles of towing, up to 4 timers a year; lockout service; gas delivery; “stuck in a ditch” service; free maps, trip planning and trip interruption protection. Higher membership levels boost those services and include things like free passport photos, complimentary car rental when you use the tow service, concierge service and more.

I’ve been a member since I got my driver’s license at 16, and over the years, just the roadside assistance has paid for my lifetime of membership several times over.

But–as the man said–wait, there’s more!

They certify mechanics. Not for skill, but reputation. It’s harder to get screwed by a AAA mechanic.

Then there are the discounts.

Most chain hotels, some oil-change shops, and a lot of car-rental services have AAA discounts. Combined with the trip planning, the discounts can easily pay for themselves, if you travel even once a year.

There are also discounts at a ton of restaurants and attractions, sometimes adding up to savings of $50 or more. I don’t think I’ve ever had a year where AAA didn’t pay for itself, and I don’t even use the services efficiently.

For example:

10% off Target.com
Discounts on Magellen GPS units
Theater(stage and screen) discounts
Discounts on minor league baseball and college football tickets
Prescription savings plan
$3 of at our local for-profit aquarium
10-30% discounts from Dell
5% off at UPS
20% off at Sirius Satellite Radio
10% off PODS(hoarders take notice!)
10% at Amtrak
Up to $200 off at DirecTV
A crapload more

I know I sound like a salespitch, but they didn’t pay for this post. I’m just a happy customer.

Do you use a roadside assistance or a discount-from-a-million-places membership?

Book Review: Social Nation

Business, Reviews

I recently had an opportunity to read Social Nation: How to harness the power of Social Media to attract customers, motivate employees & grow your business by Barry Libert. Heckuva title.

Libert is the the CEO at Mzinga, which is a company that connects other companies–and their customers–using social media to collaborate and communicate. Social media is, quite simply, using the internet to drive interactive communication. This includes Twitter, Facebook, and forums. Sometimes, it’s just discussion, sometimes, it’s sharing user-generated content.

Social Nation “will show you, as an employee, customer or partner, how to use new social technologies, make yourself heard, and produce better products and services.” It bills itself as a “complete toolbox” for social media. Does it match the hype? Let’s see.

The book is broken into three sections.

Part 1: The Future of Business is Social

Libert asserts that the future of business is social. That is obviously true, to a degree. A solid viral marketing campaign can drive more eyeball to a product than a full-page spread in the New York Time or a 30-second spot during Super Bowl halftime. However, there are a lot–possibly a majority–of business-to-business companies that will gain no value from a social media campaign. Would a regional supplier with an exclusive distributorship for a top-name line of faucets benefit from being on Twitter? No. On the other hand, 17% of our time online is spent on social applications and the fastest growing demographic on Facebook is 35 years old or older. There is certainly some value to be gained by have a social media presence in some markets.

This section(all of chapter 3!) also contains a link to a test to determine your social media skills. I haven’t taken the test, mainly because I don’t feel like registering for another site. This struck me as nothing more than lead generation, which is a shame. It could be a useful tool.

Part 2: Seven Principles for Building Your Social Nation

This section has seven chapters, containing 7 case studies that detail the 7 principle of social media, as defined by Libert and Mzinga.

The principles include:

Let the culture lead the way, as demonstrated by Zappos.com.
Involve your fans. The big takeaway from chapter 8 is that, when you create a community, your job is to facilitate involvement, not to control it. If you try to run it with an iron fist, it will choke and die.
Reward others and you will be rewarded. Apple lets developers keep 70% of the money they make in the app store. That encourages developers to develop, making everyone more money. Give. Karma will take care of the rest.
There are 4 other principles, but some are just common sense, and I don’t want to give away the contents of the book.

Part 3: Start Today and Create Your Own Social Nation

aka

Chapter 11: How to Get Started and 10 Pitfalls to Avoid

Section 3 has just one chapter, but it’s a good one. It explains the difference between followers and fans, the value of each and how to bond with each. The difference? Fans are actively involved. Followers are far more passive.

This section/chapter also goes into some things to avoid, like abandoning a social media strategy too early, failing to market your business, underestimating the power(positive and negative) of a social network.

Is it worth getting the book?

Social Nation bills itself as a complete social media toolbox, but it falls a bit short. The book tackles social media from a purely strategic point of view, ignoring the tactical concerns. It’s clearly geared toward helping a company plan its social media strategy from a 10,000 foot perch. For the people in the trenches, or anyone with a grasp of strategy that’s looking for the details on running a social media campaign, it’s not enough. That said, if you are trying to plan a social media strategy, or you have no idea where to start, this is a great book for you. It holds a lot of value, but stops some distance before “complete”. Definitely worth a read if you are involved is social media planning.

Giveaway

I’m giving away Social Nation. If you’d like to have a chance to get it, just leave a comment, telling me how you like to see companies use social media. Fair warning, this is the book I read, so it’s “used”. I take care of books, so you can’t tell that it’s used.

Publishers, Publicists, and Authors

If you have a book you’d like me to review, please contact me.

Getting Back on Track

Life

Have you ever set a goal…and failed?

At some point, it happens to all of us. After all, our reach should exceed our grasp, right? That doesn’t make it easy to admit failure, or to correct it. Did you let a New Year’s resolution lapse, or slip off of a diet? Have you started shopping indiscriminately again, or stopped going to the gym?

It’s okay if you did, but it’s time to fix it.

How can you get back on track after failing a goal?

1. Pick a day to start over.

Just like when you first started towards your goal, you have to decide when you’re going to get back on board. If you can’t decide, just pick the beginning of the next month. A new beginning is a great time to tackle your new beginning.

2. Recommit.

You failed once. Accept it and move on. Past behaviors don’t have to be an indicator of future performance. Just do better this time.

3. Announce it.

Somebody has noticed that you aren’t on the wagon. Your coworkers are seeing you eating candy, or your spouse has noticed you buying things you don’t need. Talk to these people. Tell them you’re going to redo the things you’ve undone. You’ll change the world, but you have to start with yourself.

4. Don’t be ashamed of your lapse.

Unless I have seriously misjudged my audience, you are human. Humans sometimes make poor decisions. Being ashamed won’t help you, but take the opportunity to learn from the past. Do you know what caused you to fail? Are there triggers to your behavior that you can avoid this time around? When I quit smoking, I tried to avoid rush hour, because I smoked heavily while I drove and I wanted to avoid being in car for as long as possible, minimizing one of my triggers. What cause your lapse, and can you avoid it?

5. Don’t do it again.

This one should be the most obvious, but the fact that it’s a problem means it’s not. Do whatever it takes to not make the same mistakes and uphold your goals. Don’t smoke. Don’t eat garbage. Exercise more. Whatever you’ve decided to do or not do, do it….or not.

Have you missed a goal? How have you picked it back up?

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