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How to Die Well

A "refusal of treatment" form from o...
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Most people don’t die quickly.

As much as I would rather die suddenly–while putting a smile on my wife’s face–the odds are that I will spend my last hours or days in a hospital, unable to make the decisions about my care.

Will I be doing my vegetable impression after a car accident, or be left unable to speak during a botched Viagra implanantation in my 90s?  I don’t know.

There is one thing I know about the end of my life.  I do not want to linger for months, blind and deaf, on a feeding tube.   I don’t want my family to spend the last few months of my life secretly ashamed of hoping for my burden to end.   I’d like my end to be quick enough that the emotions they are feeling aren’t a sad combination of guilt and relief, just sadness at my passing and happiness at having had me.

That’s the legacy I’d like.

The problem is making my wishes known.  If I’m lying in a hospital bed, asking to be allowed to die, they’ll consider me suicidal instead of rationally considering my request.  If I’m completely incapacitated, I won’t even be able to ask.

I can certainly make my wishes known beforehand, but how will my family be able to communicate my desires to the doctors in charge and how will they convince the doctor that they aren’t just after my currently imaginary millions?

That’s where a living will comes in.   A living will, also know as an advanced directive, is simply a formal document that explicitly states what you want to happen to you if you are too out of it to make your wishes known.

Aging With Dignity has put together an advanced directive called Five Wishes that meets the legal requirements for an advanced directive in 42 states.

The Five Wishes are:

1.  Who is going to make decisions for you, if you can’t?   For me, the obvious choice is my wife.  She appears to like me enough to want me around and love me enough to do what needs to be done, even if it’s difficult.  On the chance that we end up in the same car accidents, matching vegetables on a shelf, I’ve nominated my father for the unpleasantness.   I don’t think I’ve told him that, yet.

2.  What kind of treatment do you want, or want to refuse?  When my Grandpa was going, he made sure to have a Do Not Resuscitate order on file with the nursing home, the clinic, and the hospital.  He knew it was his time and didn’t want to drag it out.

3.  How comfortable do you want to be?   Do you want to be kept out of pain, at all costs, even if it means being drugged into oblivion most of the day?  Do you want a feeding tube, or would you rather only receive food and fluids if you are capable of taking them by mouth?

4.  How do you want to be treated?   Do you want to be allowed to die at home?   Do you want people to pray at your bedside, or keep their religious views to yourself?  Some people want to be left alone, while others are terrified of dying alone.   This wish also covers grooming.   Personally, if I soil myself, I’d like to get cleaned up as soon as possible.   I’ll have enough to deal with without smelling bad, too.

5.  What do you want your family to know?  This includes any funeral requests you have and whether you’d like to be cremated, buried, or both, but also goes beyond them.  Do you want your family to know that you love them?  You can also take this section to ask feuding family members to make peace or ask them to remember your better days, instead of the miserable few at the end.

The last 3 wishes are unique to the Five Wishes document, but they are excellent things to include.   The most important part of advanced directive is the advanced part.    You have the right to want whatever works for you, but your wishes don’t matter if nobody knows about them.

How about you? Do you have a living will?  Does your family know what you want to have happen if the worst happens?

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Priorities

I once saw a sign on the wall in a junkyard that said, “Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Another good one: “If everything is top priority, nothing is top priority.”

Once a week, I meet with my boss to discuss my progress for the previous week and my priorities for the coming week.   This is supposed to make sure that my productivity stays in line with the company’s goals.

Great.

Once a day, my boss comes into my office to change my top priority based on whichever account manager has most recently asked for a status update for their customer.

Not so great.

At least twice a week, he asks for a status update on my highest priority items.   Each time, he could mean the items we prioritized in the weekly meeting, or the items he chose to escalate later.   Somehow, getting a new task escalated doesn’t deescalate an existing task.

Everything is a top priority.

To compensate, I’ve been working a few 12 hour days each week, and occasionally coming in on the weekends.

I’m dedicated and still behind.

Prioritizing is treated as an art, or in the case I just mentioned, a juggling act.  It should be considered a science.  It’s usually pretty simple.

  • Is the problem costing you money? +1
  • Is the problem costing your customer money? +2
  • Is the problem going to hurt your reputation? +1
  • Is there a deadline? +1
  • Is it soon? +2
  • Is it urgent? +1
  • Is it important? +2
  • Are there absolutely no real consequences for anyone if it doesn’t get completed? -500

That’s it.    Too many times, we get hung up on urgent-but-not-important items and neglect the important things.

The hard part comes when it’s someone else setting your priorities, particularly when that person doesn’t rate things on urgency, importance, and cost but rather “Who has bitched the loudest recently?”

Can I tell my boss that I’m not going to do things the way he told me too?  No.  A former coworker very recently found out what happens when you do this.

Can I remind him that I’m busting my butt as hard as I can?  Yes, but it will just earn me a request to come in on the weekend, too.

Can I ignore the official priorities part of the time, and work on what I feel is most important to keeping our customers happy?  Yes, but it’s easy to go too far.  “Boss, I ignored what you said, but this customer is happy, now!” won’t score me any points if it happens every week.

Priorities are simple, but not always easy.  How do you balance your priorities?

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The Happy Challenge

Watch this video.


Done?

Great.

For the cheaters, the part I am most interested in is the bit about reprogramming your brain for happiness.   Studies are showing that you can rewire yourself to be happier by doing happy things.

The science is sound.  Good things trigger a dopamine reaction.  Your body likes dopamine, so you start craving the things that make it happen, which all happen to be good things.  As you suffer dopamine withdrawal, you become driven to do what it takes to get your fix.

The process is similar to heroin withdrawal, with no downside.

Hugging your kids(assuming you like them) triggers the reaction.  So does sex, successes at work, and beating a video game.

The specific plan mentioned in the video is to write down three things that you are grateful for, once per day, for 21 days in a row.  That will begin the self-reinforcing training that can get you hooked on being happy.

That’s a win. 75% of job success is predicted by your attitude.  You are 31% more productive when you are happy.  You’re also more fun to be around.

That’s a win.

Here’s my challenge:

For the next 21 days, do it.  Write down 3 thing you are grateful for.  What makes you happy?  It’s okay if it’s hard.  If it’s hard for you, you need it more than most.

Now, the truly hard part:

Fill out this form every day.  Your answers can be as long or as short as you’d like, but there has to be 3 new things every day for 21 days.  We’re going to train your brain to look for the positive, so you can’t give me 63 things on day 21.  3 things, 21 days.

On day 22, tell me how the previous 3 weeks have been.

When it’s over, I’ll hold a drawing for everyone who completed the challenge.   Not everyone will see this immediately, so I’m going to run the challenge until May 15.    That means you have until April 24th to get started.

3 answers per day means three prizes.  I’ll give away a total of $250 to three lucky participants.   That’s a $125 prize, a $75 prize, and a $50 prize, but you have to obey the rules.  3 things, 21 days in a row.

Be happy.  I dare you.

Happy Challenge Winners

On April 4th, I issued a challenge and threw out a bribe to make it happen.

For the next 21 days, do it.  Write down 3 thing you are grateful for.  What makes you happy?  It’s okay if it’s hard.  If it’s hard for you, you need it more than most.

Now, the truly hard part:

Your answers can be as long or as short as you’d like, but there has to be 3 new things every day for 21 days.  We’re going to train your brain to look for the positive, so you can’t give me 63 things on day 21.  3 things, 21 days.

On day 22, tell me how the previous 3 weeks have been.

The contest ran until May 15th and generated 435 happy things across 145 cumulative days.    I’m going to spend some time crunching the data because it is inspiring to read the things that make all of you happy every day.   Mostly, it’s little things, like quiet Sunday mornings, fresh air, or family meals.  Those are the things life is made of.  The big things pass as milestones, but they can never create a happy life by themselves.

On to the winners!

These were chosen randomly.  I cannot and will not try to judge who has the best reasons to be happy.

In first place, K.C. wins $125.   K.C.’s Day 22 response was “It was really hard some days, but it showed me some important things about how I think. I think it would be good to do this with a small notebook and pencil. I found myself thinking of the same things several times, which made me think about treating those things more specially. Overall, it was a good exercise.”

Second place ($75) goes to Petra with, “I can’t believe I’m at day 22 already.  I’m not sure if this exercise made me a happier person, but it has gotten me to reflect and appreciate what (and who) I have and my surroundings.  Looking at my entries (yes, I kept track of them), I do notice patterns of the things I value most and that give me joy and gratitude.  These are: family, nature, a job that I enjoy, relationships, and anything that makes my life a little easier or enjoyable.  Thank you for providing this challenge to your readers.”

Third place ($50) goes to Lynda, who said, “I enjoyed this challenge. It wasn’t very hard. I noticed that when I was entering the giveaways each day, it helped me reflect on my day. But I didn’t really notice a change in my attitude.”

I’d like to thank everyone who participated, even if it was for just one day.  You’ve made my month brighter.

 

Sammy’s Story, Part 2

For those of you not following along, please read the previous installment of Sammy’s Story.  The short version is that we’re thinking about helping someone launch a small business and put “at risk” teenagers and young adults to work.

Sammy called me a couple of days ago.  He wanted to discuss working for some of the tools and toys he saw at my mother-in-law’s house and he said he had something to show us.   When I picked him up, he had a leather portfolio-style notebook and looked excited.

When we got to the house, he opened up his notebook and handed me two pieces of paper.   He said that the idea of being able to launch his business had him so excited that he couldn’t not do anything.   He had handed me a landscaping plan and materials list for fixing my mother-in-law’s yard.

We talked about the landscape plan, the business plan, and my wife’s old skateboard, then he had to go.   Last night was one of the nights he met “his” kids at a community center.

On the way to the community center, we stopped by his apartment, because he wanted to show me pictures of his kids, and his grandkids, and his foster mother.   He told me about his mother dying when he was 13 and his father dropping him with an aunt before disappearing.   He was nearly in tears when he asked how some strange white guy could see more in him than his own family did.

He told me about how the money he made working with me had put food on the table of the 14 year old he brought with–a 14 year old who is eager to work more.  It paid the weekly rent for one of the other workers and contributed to the rehab of Sammy’s ex.   The little bit we’ve done has already touched the lives of dozens of people.

We talked about the way he hates rap.  Not because of it’s musical value, but because it’s building a culture that considers women to be nothing but “bitches and hoes” while convincing kids that the only way they can improve their situation is to land a recording contract.  Those are the kids he wants to teach to take care of themselves and build their own lives.

Finally, he asked me for my honest opinion about his landscaping plan.

I said, “Sammy, that clinched the deal.  I was leaning towards helping you, but now it’s definite.  I know you’re serious, so we’re going to make this happen.”

He’s got no idea how to handle taxes, payroll, or insurance, and he has no tools, but we’re going to jump in with both feet.

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