It’s true that the benefits of a parent cannot be measured or quantified in any meaningful way. It’s hard to put a price on the emotional commitment and special experience of raising a child as a parent, some of which may not even be realized by the parents themselves until afterwards. But it is undeniable that the experience of parenthood is a rewarding and special time in someone’s life.
Future Dreams
While jogging with my wife a few days ago, we had a conversation that we haven’t had in years. We discussed our dreams.
It’s an important conversation for couples to have. What are your hopes? What are your dreams? Where do you want to be in 10 years? In 20? In 50? Planning for the future gives you a map for the present.
My wife and I hadn’t had this conversation in years. A few days ago, we did. Our life-goals are simple and achievable.
I want to leave the corporate world and support my family with writing and the training classes I do. I want a chunk of land outside of any major metropolitan area, but close enough for the entertainment and shopping. I want enough land to expand my classes on my own property, relying on no one.
My wife wants enough land to have some horses. It was unspoken, but I think she wants my goals to take off so they can support her goals, too.
We want a comfortable retirement and we want to help the kids with college.
We’re a bit behind the game for college funding. That’s ok, though. There is nothing wrong with a kid working his way through college and learning those life lessons.
We are also behind on the retirement. But, if I can support us doing the things I love, I don’t need $X million. Retirement isn’t a cessation of activity, it is taking the time to do the things you love on your own schedule. If writing a book while sitting on my private range is enough to fund our life, that’s the perfect retirement.
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-02
- RT @kristinbrianne: You won't believe it… I just entered to win the #KodakSweeps on http://tweetphoto.com/contest Pls RT #
- RT @wilw The single most insulting thing you can tell a creative person is, upon viewing their creation, "you have too much free time." #
- Hmm. I share a birthday with Linus Torvalds. #
- @freefrombroke I'm following you and would love to be followed back. in reply to freefrombroke #
- RT: @SuburbanDollar: New Post: : The Art of Delayed Gratification http://bit.ly/5gsKXy #
- RT @FrugalYankee: #NEWYear's #QUOTE: All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. ~ Alexander Woollcott #
- Crackberry is certainly accurate. I may be too connected. #
- MIL thinks a Kitchenaid stand mixer will make it easier to remove the snow in the driveway. Bad logic, but she's buying one for us, anyway. #
- What magic is in a saw-palmetto capsule and why does my prostate need the power of 1000 of them? #
- RT: @SuburbanDollar: Sounds like he's asking you to rent him a date. #
- RT @hughdeburgh: "I'd rather die fighting for freedom than live as a slave." ~ Judge Andrew Napolitano #Iran #in2010 #USA #
- Happy New Year, 3 minutes early. #
- Billy Jack vs Chuck Norris. Winner? #
- Getting my hair brushed by an 18 month old while watching Married With Children. It's a good evening. #
- RT @FrugalYankee: #NEWYEARS #QUOTE: The most important political office is that of private citizen. ~ Louis Brandeis #
- RT @ScottATaylor: 40,697 Laws Take Effect Today http://ff.im/-dFXNR #
- 5AM. It'd be so easy to go right back to sleep. #
Fighting Fair
This was a guest post on another site early last year.
Everyone, at times, has disagreements. How boring would life be if everyone agreed all of the time? How you handle those disagreements may mean disaster.
This is particularly true when you are arguing with your spouse. You spend most non-working moments with this one person, this wonderful, loving, infuriating person. Your emotions will naturally run high while discussing the things you care most about with the person you care most about. Arguments are not only natural, but inevitable.
How do you have an argument with someone you love without lasting resentment?
You have to argue fairly. There are a few principles to remember during an argument.
- When your partner is talking, your job is to listen with all of your energy. You are not interrupting. Your are not planning your rebuttal while waiting for your turn to talk. Your are listening, nothing else. If you don’t listen, you can’t understand. If you don’t understand, you can’t find a resolution.
- Remember that your partner cares. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t feel so strongly about the argument. This isn’t a war, just an argument. She still wants to spend the rest of her life with you. Keeping this in mind will change the entire tone of the argument into a positive interaction. You will still disagree, but you will be looking for a solution together, instead of finding a “win” at any cost.
- Search for the best intent. Remember #2? There is an incredibly good chance that, if there are two ways to interpret something your partner has said–a good way and a bad way–your partner probably meant the good way. Even if you are wrong, it is far better to err on the side of resolution than the side of antagonism.
- When your partner has finished speaking, it’s still not your turn to argue. Your job now is to repeat your understanding of the issue, without worrying about problem-solving. Before you can refute the argument–or even establish your disagreement–you have to know that you understand her position and she has to know that you do. Without understanding, there can be no path to resolution that doesn’t cause resentment. If you have too much resentment, you won’t have a marriage.
After all of this, it will finally be your turn to make your point. Hopefully, your partner will be following the same rules so you can solve your problems together, without learning to hate each other.
Arguments in your marriage aren’t–or shouldn’t be–intended to draw blood. Fights happen. If your goal is to win at any cost, you will both lose, possibly everything.
Time Management
My wife told me that I don’t do enough around the house.
She is, of course, correct.
I could make a list of excuses, but none of them matter. There’s really only one reason: I have problems with time management. I’m easily distracted.
For example, in the time it’s taken me to write the above three lines, I stopped to check a website, updated my Evernote installation, and added a new contact to my address book.
That’s not multi-tasking, that’s inefficiency. People don’t actually multi-task. Instead, they break concentration and completely switch gears. Repeatedly. They pretend they are doing a lot of things at once, when in fact they are doing a large series of individual tasks. That’s serial single-tasking, poorly.
On top of that, I focus to the point of obsession. The entire world goes away when I am working.
No, that’s not a contradiction. I’m good at procrastinating and I am interested in everything. If a random thought floats to the surface while I’m working, I follow it to Google and, if it’s interesting enough, I get lost. It generally only happens during research or while doing a job I hate.
For those of you following along at home, I can be easily distracted from some tasks, then lock on to some tangent and have an evening disappear.
For some reason, my wife hates that, especially when there are dishes to be done and laundry to be folded.
This has blown up on me a few time.
We’ve come upon a solution, in three parts.
1. Timer. When I get on the computer, I set an egg timer for 1 hour. When the time’s up, I’m done. The time limit helps me focus on finishing the task at hand. If I know I need to get a post written in an hour, I’m less likely to catch up on the comics in my news reader.
2. Communication. If I’m working on something that I know will take more than an hour, I tell her. I’ve had to do that for each installment of the Make Extra Money series.
3. Nagging. If #1 has failed and #2 doesn’t apply, I’ve given my wife explicit permission to remind me, as often as necessary. Sometimes, I don’t register everything people say when I am “lost”, so now she knows to keep trying if I don’t respond, or respond with a spaced-out “Uh-huh, yes, dear.” Before, she was worried about upsetting me by nagging, but I wouldn’t have noticed the first few times. Thankfully, with #1 and #2, #3 has only been an issue one.
Time limits, communication, and persistent reminders. That’s my plan to manage my time. Getting off of the computer has helped me be more useful with household chores and it’s given me a chance to be closer to the woman I love most. The time-limited focus has even helped me get a couple of projects rolling.
We all have the same 24 hours. Are you using yours efficiently?
(P.S. Happy anniversary, honey. These have been the best years I could ask for.)
Say Please
This is a guest post/reader story from a good friend of mine.
Greetings,
As a long time reader of Live Real Now, I’ve enjoyed the advice and the step by step, “I’ve been there” advice from Jason. Sadly, until now I haven’t really taken much of it. It was too much work. It was too hard. But the recent “Future Me” post really struck home so I looked for something that should be easy.
What I found was the concept of “Call and Ask”. I took a look at all of my accounts and utilities to decide which ones I was willing to change, drop, or reduce. The two I came up with were Dish Network and CenturyLink DSL.
My plan was simple:
- Look for their introductory offers
- Compare to my current price
- Call
- Ask if existing customers are as important as NEW customers
- Finally, be nice!
I started with CenturyLink since I needed to call them for a new modem in anyway. We’ve been with CenturyLink for years and I’ve been paying $34.99 for slow DSL and using it a couple times a week to work from home. Their new customer promotion is $19.99 for the faster service. I’d love to give you my script but I don’t entirely remember what I said. I believe I asked if they would extend the new customer rate to me and for how long. I know I pointed out that I would be out 3-5 days of internet service so now was the time to start trying to lower my bills. The customer service rep was actually pretty cool about it.
“Let me look at your account. We can offer you that rate for 12 months. After that the rate will be $54.99.”
That seems like a short term win for a long term loss, right?
His followup comment was golden: “Call us back in 12 months and see what specials we can offer you then.” So I went into Google Calendars and set myself a reminder 10.5 months from now.
Net effect: $15/month saved.
Next step: Dish Network.
We’re getting the Family Package which is already pretty inexpensive for Dish. Looking around, the new subscriber price was $5 less.
Same plan.
“Hello, I’m a long term subscriber. I see that you’re offering new subscribers the same package for less. Could you extend that offer to me?”
Same response… “Sure, you can have a $5 discount for 6 months.” Again, I set a Google Calendar reminder, this time for 4.5 months out.
Net effect: $20/month saved.
Can this go farther?
I recently purchased 3 pairs of F.O.M work jeans from Duluth Trading Company. Yes, they’re expensive, but they fit and last a long time. I’m not a small guy. (Ed. Welcome to the club!) Anyway, at the time their sale looked good: $10 off each pair when you order 3 or more. Coincidentally, I was down to a single pair after a deer hunting accident. (Don’t tie your jeans into your boots while field dressing a deer. You’ll stretch and then things get a bit breezy.) With $5 shipping, I saved $35 on that order for jeans I needed anyway.
I thought I’d done pretty well.
Fast forward to today where I see 20% off on everything and free shipping. And they’re still offering the $10 off deal I already used. I called Duluth Trading Company, and explained I was VERY happy with their pants and enjoyed the sale but was wondering if they’d please extend the 20% off sale to my prior order since it was so recent.
$23.70 back in my account.
Easy as pie and a polite: “Thank you for offering us the chance to make you happy with the transaction, sir.”
So, 3 nice phone calls, net effect:
Immediate: $23.70 in my pocket
Short term: $30 savings over the next 6 months
Long Term: $180 Savings over the next year
Total Savings: $233.75 for 15 minutes work