- Up at 5 two days in a row. Sleepy. #
- May your…year be filled w/ magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you…kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful. @neilhimself #
- Woo! First all-cash grocery trip ever. Felt neat. #
- I accidentally took a 3 hour nap yesterday, so I had a hard time sleeping. 5am is difficult. #
- Wee! Got included in the Carnival of Personal Finance, again. http://su.pr/2AKnDB #
- Son’s wrestling season starts in two days. My next 3 months just got hectic. #
- RT @Moneymonk: A real emergency is something that threatens your survival, not just your desire to be comfortable -David Bach # [Read more…] about Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-09
5 Ways to Help Your Friends Stay Out of Debt
There’s a saying that you are the average of your 5 closest friends. Take a look at the people you hold dearest. Combined, they are you. If they are all in debt, chances are, so are you.
As a corollary, you are a part of your friends. If you become more financially responsible, it will rub off on the people who care about you.
Given these two rules, one way to improve yourself is to help those around you improve themselves. If your influence convinces your friends to move closer to your ideal, it will be easier, almost effortless to move closer to it, yourself.
It sound manipulative, but if you are manipulating your friends, you are doing it wrong. Don’t try to force or trick your friends, just be honest and sincere in your efforts to help. Nobody wants to be in debt. This is you being nice.
1. Suggest cheap activities.
While it is okay to splurge occasionally, don’t be afraid to suggest less expensive activities. If someone suggests going to a movie, mention the dollar theater. If they want to go out for dinner, offer to host a potluck. Trip to the casino? Game night at your house. There are almost always cheaper ways to have fun. As long as you are spending time with the people you love, you’ll have a good time. Do you really need to drop $100 to do that?
2. Don’t flaunt your toys.
If you buy an iPod and immediately run to show it off, you are going to trigger a case of “keeping up with the Joneses”. If your friends spend all of their time around people who are constantly buying expensive toys, buying expensive toys becomes normalized in their minds. Debt becomes the norm. Then extreme debt. Don’t reinforce the destructive debt cycle by showing off the expensive trophies of excessive, unnecessary consumerism.
3. Point out opportunities to save.
This is a fine line to walk. If mention how much money your friend is wasting on 13 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mochas with extra white mocha and caramel every single morning, you’re going to get annoying fast. In fact, you are already annoying me, so knock it off. On the other hand, if Caribou is having a sale on the 13 shot monstrosity, speak up. Nobody is going to complain about getting a $15 coffee for less than $10.
4. Give them a side hustle.
If you’ve got a friend who’s into landscaping and you’ve got a neighbor who needs a landscaper, make the connection! If you know a web designer and a business in need of a website, get them together. Do what you can to match the needs of the people around with each other. They will all appreciate it, and everyone will be better off. Be the guy who helps everyone connect with the people they need.
5. Be encouraging.
Put another way, don’t be a dick. Nobody likes being nagged. Nobody likes being told they are doing everything wrong. Be encouraging, not mean.
If you can do all of that, it’s natural that your friends will start acting the way you want yourself to act. The less they want to waste on a trip into debt, the less tempted you will be to do the same.
Toxic People
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
-Duncan Idaho, from God-Emperor of Dune
Some people suck the life out of everyone they encounter. Whether it be through lies, unreasonable demands, emotional abuse or manipulation, or just a vile personalty, the people they meet are worse off for the encounter. The people they interact with every day are screwed.
My time is too precious to waste any of it unnecessarily on people who remove value from it. I like being with people who enrich my life, instead.
Unfortunately, since I’m not an advocate for the use of hitmen, not every toxic person is easy to eliminate from your life.
Toxic people come in 3 basic varieties: professional, personal, and family. There is some overlap between the categories.
The personal category is easiest to deal with. These people aren’t relatives or coworkers, so you won’t see them at family gatherings or at work. I’ve dealt with these people in two ways.
First, there is the direct approach. One former friend, who was really only a friend when it was convenient for him(a pure leech), got told that he wasn’t invited to one of our parties because I was inviting his ex-wife, instead. That was the last time he called me.
The second option is far more passive. I set up a contact group in my phone called “Life’s too short”. At first, I set it up with a fairly insulting ring tone, but I later switched it to no ring at all. I don’t know they’ve called until I check my voicemail. It’s far less direct, but also far easier than the direct approach.
Dealing with the toxic people in your family is more complicated. You’ll see them at holiday gatherings, or hear about them during unrelated visits. You probably have a lot of memories growing up with them, and may feel some level of obligation–deserved or not–to maintain contact. It’s hard to break a tie that you’ve had your entire life.
Can you fix their behavior? It’s worth trying to have a frank discussion about how they are treating you, or the things they are doing. If the problem is that they are constantly bringing over their methhead boyfriends, banning the drug addicts from your home, while still welcoming the relative may be an acceptable fix. If the problem is a constant need to belittle you, demanding they stop may work. If the problem is a lifetime of emotional abuse, it probably isn’t fixable.
Is banishment an option? Can you put that creepy cousin on the Life’s Too Short list? You’ll still have to deal with him at family gatherings, but you can always leave the room when he comes in, right? Don’t engage, don’t participate in any conversation beyond a polite greeting, and don’t offer any encouragement towards regular contact.
It’s possible that it won’t be possible to fix their behavior and that you won’t want to banish the offender. If, for example, the offender is your mother (Not you, Mom!), you may feel a sense of obligation to maintain contact, or even be a primary caregiver at times. This is a line nobody else can draw for you. At some point, the current bad behavior could overwhelm the past obligations. When that happens are you prepared for it? That can be a traumatic break.
The other option, as cold as it sounds, is to wait it out. Nature will take its course, eventually. Can you wait that long, while maintaining your sanity and emotional equilibrium?
Professional toxic people include customers, vendors, and coworkers, none of whom are easy to get rid of.
If you own the business, you can fire your problem customers if the hassle outweighs the benefits you get from the relationship. You can find a new vendor, and you can fire the problem employees.
What happens if you are an employee?
If the problem is your boss, your options are to suck it up, talk to his boss, or find a new job. If the first is intolerable, and the second is impossible, it’s time to polish your resume.
If the problem is a vendor, you’ve got some options. Document the problems, first. Does he make inappropriate jokes, or badmouth you to your customers? Then, research the alternatives. Does one of his competitors offer an equivalent product or service? Take the documentation and research to your boss, or whoever makes that decision, and see if you can get your company to make the switch. The other option, is to request someone new to deal with at the vendor’s company, but that may not always be possible.
Finally, we come to the problem of toxic coworkers.
Some coworkers have the same problems as a toxic boss. Is the company vice-president the boss’s baby brother? You’re probably not going to find a win there. You’ll have to suck it up or move on.
Is the problem person working in an unrelated department doing unrelated tasks? It may be possible to start taking breaks at different times and leave him where he belongs: in the past.
Is the difficult individual sharing an office with you, demanding everything be done his way, and throwing daily tantrums? This is the one that has to be dealt with. He’s the one sucking the life out of you every single day.
First, start making use of a voice recorder. If you’ve got a smartphone, you’ve probably already got one. Otherwise, drop the $20 to buy one. This lets you document the evil. When his behavior goes hinky, record it.
Second, stand up for yourself. If he’s making unreasonable demands, tell him it’s inappropriate. He’s a bully, and bullies tend to back down when they are confronted.
Third, make sure the boss knows about the behavior. Yes, this is tattling. Get over it. If he wasn’t acting like he was a spoiled 4 year old, you wouldn’t have to tell the boss that he was. If the boss doesn’t know there’s a problem, he can’t deal with it.
Fourth, for any problem that isn’t directly aimed at you, ignore it. If he makes a habit of throwing a tantrum because somebody emptied the coffee pot, or because the company switched health plans, let him. Only get in the way if it’s directed at you. Over time, the tantrums will get more noticeable and out of hand, forcing the boss to deal with it, preferably by handing him a pink slip.
Your goal is documentation, awareness, and avoidance. Make the worst of it go elsewhere so you can be as productive as possible, document what you can, and let the boss become aware of the situation and how bad it has become. And be patient. This isn’t an overnight fix.
How do you deal with the toxic people in your life?
Teaching My Child about Money in a Way I Was Not Taught
When I was in high school and working 15 to 20 hours a week, my mom gave me free rein to use the money I earned as I would like. Actually, she said nothing to me about saving for college or putting some money into savings.
When I had friends who complained that they had to put away some of their earnings, I commiserated with them. How unfair of their parents to make them save some of their money! They worked hard for their money, often at crappy part-time jobs. They deserved to spend the money any way they saw fit.
The way I saw it, why save for college? According to financial aid rules, if the student has any savings, she would have to use the majority of it to pay for college. How unfair. To add insult to injury, if prospective college students have some savings, they would qualify for less financial aid, which often meant fewer student loans.
The injustice.
Yes, it was better to spend my hard earned money than save it and be penalized.
No one told me differently. In fact, many people in my family agreed with me and encouraged me to buy a used car to get to and from my job. Of course, I paid the loan payments for the car, the gas I used and my insurance out of money from my job. That was a responsible use of money, but I also went out to eat with friends, a lot. At 16, I was going out to eat with my friends twice a week at least.
However, my plan worked perfectly. When I went to college, I didn’t have to use any of my hard earned cash. No, not me, because I hadn’t saved anything. Instead, I left college with nearly $20,000 in student loan debt. I took two years off and paid down as much student loan debt as I could, getting it down to about $8,000, but then I went to graduate school and took on more student loan debt. I graduated with nearly $25,000 in debt total. I am still paying on it today, 13 years later.
Now that I am the parent, I am one of those “awful” parents who makes her kids save. My son knows when he gets his allowance, some goes to save, some goes to donate, and some goes to spend. True, it makes me cringe when he uses his spend money on little trinkets like temporary tattoos, stickers, and gum, but I keep silent. He did the work to earn the money, and he can spend it as he likes. However, I am inflexible with saving; that money must be set aside. When he goes to college, I expect that he will have to use the majority of that money. Rather than seeing it as a waste, I see it as an important component of his financial education. Spending his money to pay a portion of his college education will hopefully make him take college more seriously.
Meanwhile, I have already begun having chats with him about money, spending, and budgeting. He watches his dad and I work hard to pay down our debt with gazelle intensity. He sees me use a calculator at the grocery store to see how much our groceries will be.
Ultimately, he will make his own financial decisions as he grows up, but I plan to teach him throughout these important years so that even if he turns into a spendthrift, he will have a firm financial understanding to revert to as he ages. While my mom taught me how to stretch money further, she never taught me how to save; I hope saving is a lesson my son takes with him throughout his adulthood.
How do you teach your kids about money management?
Melissa writes at Fiscal Phoenix where she encourages people to rise from the ashes of their financial mistakes as she and her husband are doing.
Sunday Roundup
I just realized that I screwed up on Friday’s post and accidentally scheduled it for July 31 instead of July 1. Sorry about that.
I am pretty excited about tomorrow’s post. I’m going to…well, that should wait for tomorrow. It’ll be fun, though.
Best Posts
It’s a basic economic principle: If you want to sell less of something, charge more for it. That works for labor costs, too. Raising the minimum wage, especially when there is a recession, will only cause less employment.
This is a neat business idea. Sometimes, a small business wants a mailing address that isn’t the owner’s home address.
Foreign CDs seem tempting. You can make a decent return in India. Just make sure it’s a legit bank, instead of the “Cayman Island” banks that exist just to collect wire transfers from the US.
In a high-tax, high-regulation environment, the underground economy will thrive, every time. Working for cash and no paperwork can be tempting.
Here’s a sample email to help you buy a car.
Carnivals I’ve Rocked and Guest Posts I’ve Rolled
Shattering Taboos was included in the Carnival of Personal Finance.
Thank you! If I missed anyone, please let me know. I’ve been slacking off on carnival submissions lately.
Get More Out of Live Real, Now
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Have a great week!
Decision Making Made Easy
Have you ever had to make a difficult decision? Not necessarily a decision that’s difficult because it’s life-changing, but a decision that’s difficult because there are two phenomenally wonderful, yet mutually exclusive options?
For example:
- Should you put caramel or strawberry sauce on your ice cream?
- Should you go to Disney Land or Disney World?
- Should you subscribe to Live Real, Now by email or RSS?
- Should you take the job with the stellar benefits package or the higher salary?
These are all real decisions that you may be called on to make.
For most decisions, there are some alternatives that are easy to discard.
MadDog 20/20 isn’t a good alternative to caramel sauce on your ice cream. The local BDSM museum probably isn’t a great choice for a family vacation. Sending me hate mail is obviously worse than subscribing.
Then you’ve got some choices that are both okay, but one is clearly better. You’ve got free airfare and hotel. Do you go to Topeka, or Paris? Neither is horribly, but I think the choice is obvious. You’re going out to dinner. McDonald’s or…nevermind, this fits the first category.
After you’ve discarded the obvious bad choices and the okay-but-not-great choices, how can you decide between what’s left?
This is the point that starts to cause stress. What if you make the wrong choice? What if you regret it forever? What if you’re still not happy? Gridlock.
The reason your stuck is because it’s not apparent which is the better choice. All of your experiences and knowledge are telling you–on some level–that the options are identical in terms of your life, happiness, and goals. It truly does not matter which one you choose. You will probably be equally happy, either way.
Given that it doesn’t matter, you have two choices for making the final decision:
- Pick the one you want. The rational decision is a tie, so make it an emotional one. Does one job match your dreams, but with a bit more risk? Has one vacation destination been a goal since you were little? Do it!
- Flip a coin. If the decision doesn’t matter, leave it to fate. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you can always blame the quarter.
The one thing you don’t want to do is wait. Failing to decide is still a decision and one that is guaranteed to keep you from being satisfied with your choice. Don’t wait until you have all of the possible information, because that kind of perfect world doesn’t exist. Get to about 85% of fully informed and run with it. You’ll usually be happier making a decision–even the wrong one–than sitting back wondering “What if I had done that?”
How do you make hard decisions?
