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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.

Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?

Me: Yes?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: May I ask what that was for?

FMe: Of course.

Me: What was that for, jerk?

FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.

Me: What?!? I’ve never even met you, before.

FMe: Of course you have. I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.

Me: Huh?

FMe: Listen close. You’re not the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.

Me: ???

FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.

Me: I don’t appreciate….

FMe: Shut up. I was dumb then, too. Remember? You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year. On top of many other expensive decisions. Do your recall?

Me: Yes, I do. So what?

FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car. Your kids wear new clothes. You’ve got a house full of new furniture. How did you pay for all of that?

Me: Naturally, I charged it. Zero payments, zero interest for a year! Pretty smart, huh?

FMe: What happens in a year?

Me: I don’t know. I’ve got a full year to figure that out.

FMe: <Slap!> I’ll tell you what happens! Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed! Your raise didn’t come through. You had a baby. The truck broke down. Your wife took maternity leave. A roommate moved out. You took a loss in the stock market. You didn’t plan! You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.

Me: How was I to know?

FMe: <Slap!> Life happens! You never know what is coming next. You need to plan and save for what might happen. Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly. That is not acceptable.

Me: So? What are you going to do about it?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: Really? Again?

FMe: <Slap!> I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help. Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux. My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford. You’ve screwed me, dude.

Me: I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?

FMe: Buy me dinner, first.

Me: Huh?!?!?

FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change. No credit.

Me: None?

FMe: None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Only spend what you can afford. Budget. Pay off those nasty bills. Don’t leave me hanging.

Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?

FMe: Exactly. That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence. Live in the real world.

Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me! Now I know.

FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

Identity Theft: What To Do When You’ve Been Victimized

Finance

<a href= — Image by Don Hankins via Flickr

Have you ever been surprised by having a credit application denied? Or been told that you’re paying too much for your car insurance because you have bad credit?

There are 15 million victims of identity each year with an estimated loss of $50 billion. That’s a lot of cake. If you’re credit card gets stolen, you’re only liable for up to $50 of the theft, but what if your checking account is cracked or someone is opening accounts in your name? What is the indirect cost coming form higher interest rates?

Identity theft happens. It could happen to you.

What should you do if you become a victim of identity theft?

File a police report. You’ve been victimized, make sure you have some documentation of that.
Contact any credit card company that has possibly been affected. If you lost your wallet, call them all. If somebody has opening cards in your name, call all of those.
Call the credit bureaus* and have a fraud alert put on your credit report. This will force any new creditor to take extra steps to verify your identity before opening a new account. Ideally, your identity thief won’t be able to make the grade. If that isn’t enough, look into an identity freeze. That will stop a lender from even seeing your credit report without your explicit permission.
Close your bank accounts Depending on how severe the theft, you may need all new accounts at every level. If the thief has a box of your checks, or even your account and routing numbers, you need to close the accounts to protect your money.
Report the theft to the FTC at 877.438.4338. You’ll get additional documentation of the theft, including an ID Theft Affidavit that can make it easier to clean up the mess.
Hire a witchdoctor to curse the soul of your attacker. No, he probably won’t actually turn into a warty toad, but what if? Maybe the universe will wield the Magic Karma Hammer and beat him into a little greasy stain in the street.

The important thing to remember is to hurry. The longer you wait, the more damage will be done and the harder it will be to straighten out. As soon as you find out about the theft, start fixing it.

Have you had your identity stolen? How did you deal with it?

My Favorite Present

Parenting

My favorite Christmas present this year was the one I gave to my 13 year old son.

Allow me to walk you through his evening….

First, he opened one of his presents. It was just a small box, about 3 inches by 4. A Japanese puzzle box. Inside the box was a note that read:

Closed off in the smallest room you will find a clue to bring you closer to your prize.

When he checked the cabinet below the sink in our basement bathroom, he found another note that sent him to my business website one a page with a url that contained “the square of my children”. When he eventually figured out that I meant their ages, not their quantity, he found a clue on my website.

This lead him to a section of his Minecraft server. It’s effectively a no-man’s land because he and his friends set off a nuke and turned it into a giant pit. They fall down and die there. Inside the pit was a cave. Inside the cave was a clue. The clue read:

Grandma and Grandpa love you.

What do you do when someone says they love you? You either get scared of the commitment and end a perfectly good relationship, or you say “I love you, too”. When the kid finally called his grandparents to tell them he loves them, they told him to give his parents a kiss.

I’m a jerk.

He came over and gave me a hug and a kiss. I handed him a piece of paper. When he looked at it, he asked if it was supposed to be torn in half. I reminded him that he has two parents, so Mom got a hug and a kiss, too. The resulting clue read:

The Answer to the Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

Naturally, this points to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but the boy hadn’t read far enough into the book to understand the reference, so he had to hit google. After spending time looking for chapter 42, he finally thought to look at page 42, which had this clue:

My Little Pegasus

Two steps to the right

Two steps forward

Two steps up

This clue started at the My Little Pony I set next to a Pegasus in my daughters’ room. The boy was in dense mode because he had to ask his sister what a Pegasus was. She also had to suggest he open the closet door when one step forward made him bump his nose on it.

For all of that work, he got the Ticket to Ride game. He laughed the entire way through the treasure hunt, then decided he hated the whole process. However, for two nights running, he’s stopped the video games to play his new game with his family.

It’s a present he’ll remember forever.

Negotiating 101

Finance

In the US, haggling is something that makes a lot of people twitch and wet their pants. It’s too hard/scary/intimidating, so most of us just take whatever price is offered, with a smile.

The truth is, you can negotiate in almost any situation. Sure, big-box retailers with low-price goods–like Walmart or a grocery store–aren’t going to go for it, but a lot of other businesses will. Did you know you can haggle at Best Buy? It’s true, but only on the bigger ticket items.

You can also easily negotiate at place like these:

Credit card interest rates and annual fees
Luxury utilities like cable
Rent
Hotel rates
Airline tickets
Gym memberships

“Great”, you say. “Anyone can do it?”, you say. “But how, jerk?”

No need to call names, I’m getting to that part.

I am about to share the First Secret Lesson of Negotiating. This secret has been passed down from father to son among the celibate Shaolin monks for generations. Breaking the code of secrecy may be putting my life in danger, but I’m willing to do that for you, no matter the risk.

I rock like that.

Are you ready to be initiated into the secrets of the Ancient Masters? When our first abbot, Buddhabhadra, first wandered into the Northern Wei Dynasty branch of Best Buy in 477 A.D., he discovered the phrase most likely to break price barriers.

Are you ready, Grasshopper? This is the “Wax on, wax off” of effective negotiation.

When you are given a price, no matter what it is, say “Is that the best you can do?”

“This T.V. costs $7495.” “Is that the best you can do?”

“That comes to $56.95.” “Is that the best you can do?”

“$149,499 for the Ferrari.” “Is that the best you can do?”

“$12,000 for the kidney.” “Is that the best you can do?”

“Only $8.50 for this set of 10 tupperware lids that have been warped in the dishwasher.” “Is that the best you can do?”

“$50 an hour, honey.” “Is that the best you can do?”

“The salary for this position is $50,000 per year.” “Is that the best you can do?”

It is magical, it’s easy to remember, and it’s low stress. This is a non-combative question. The worst possible scenario involves the other side saying, “Yes, that is the best I can do.” No sweat.

Negotiating Lesson 101.2:

After saying “Is that the best you can do?”, shut up. The other party gets to be the next person to say something.

Go out and practice this over the weekend. Master the First Secret Lesson of Negotiating. I’ll be fighting off Shaolin ninjas for sharing the ancient secrets.

Three Ways to Make Christmas Cheap

Finance

We failed Christmas Budgeting 101 this year. I haven’t totaled the damage, yet, but we have spent at least $500 more than we had planned.

It hurt.

Next year, we’re going to handle the Christmas budget differently. This year’s model isn’t working. It’s a lot like pushing a car down a hill to get it started, but ignoring the cliff at the bottom.

1. Use cash. A huge part of our problem was that Capital One is helping us celebrate. It’s horrible, because we both know we shouldn’t be using a credit card, for exactly this reason, but we can’t seem to make the transition back away from the plastic. Part of the reason is that Amazon and ThinkGeek don’t accept cash, and part of it is convenience. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not carrying a balance on the card, but it’s still far too easy to overspend.

2. Communicate! If our gift budget is $500, and I spend $300 online while she’s busy spending $300 in stores, out budget is shot. Worse, if we spend that money buying stuff for the same people, our budget is shot before our shopping is done. A little bit of this happened to us this year.

3. Explore atheism. There really is no more effective wa

y to cut down holiday expenses than to eliminate the holiday completely. This may not be the best answer for everyone, but it’s effective. On the other hand, I know several atheists who celebrate Christmas as much as anyone else. This probably isn’t a good alternative for most people.

3, Take 2. Cut back on “stuff”. My kids have more toys than they can play with. My kids’ parents have more toys than they can play with. Do we really need more? Wouldn’t it be better to spend the money I’d normally use to buy my wife a present on a series of date nights, spread out through the year? I could take my kids to Feed My Starving Children so they can understand how privileged they are and how much the things they take for granted are really worth.

There are so many other ways to celebrate a holiday that has turned into a national orgy of consumerism. Next year, we’ll be trying some of the alternatives.

Sunday Roundup: Outta Town

Misc

Scrapbooking Cupcakes! — Image by clevercupcakes via Flickr

This weekend, my wife is off scrapbooking with my mother and sister-in-law. Instead of hanging around the house trying to keep three kids entertained, I’m at my brother’s house, since his wife abandoned him with their kids, too. I’ll let his kids keep mine entertained, and vice versa. Woo!

30 Day Project Update

I am on the Slow Carb Diet. At the end of the month, I’ll see what the results were and decide if it’s worth continuing. For those who don’t know, the Slow Carb Diet involves cutting out potatoes, rice, flour, sugar, and dairy in all their forms. My meals consist of 40% proteins, 30% vegetables, and 30% legumes(beans or lentils). There is no calorie counting, just some specific rules, accompanied by a timed supplement regimen and some timed exercises to manipulate my metabolism. The supplements are NOT effedrin-based diet pills, or, in fact, uppers of any kind. There is also a weekly cheat day, to cut the impulse to cheat and to avoid letting my body go into famine mode.

I’m measuring two metrics, my weight and the total inches of my waist , hips, biceps, and thighs. Between the two, I should have an accurate assessment of my progress.

Weight: I have lost 30 pounds since January 2nd! That’s only 1 pounds since last week. 12 more to meet my goal for February. The difference this week? I’ve cut back on the supplements, to see if they actually make a difference. It would appear they do.

Total Inches: I have lost 16 inches in the same time frame, down 1.5 since last week.

Best Posts

I totally got live this joke.

Are you a compulsive shopper? Money Crashers has some tips to cut that down.

Before I got a smartphone, I relied on a PocketMod for almost everything a smartphone does. Does that make me a geek?

$39Glasses is having a killer sale. $15 off a $40 item is huge.

Tim Ferriss has a guide to slow-carb seasonings. It’s worth reading if your food is boring you.

LRN Timewarp

This is where I review the posts I wrote a year ago. Did you miss them then?

This was Scam Week last year. I had a post on debt scams and scams that target disaster victims. As we roll into flooding season, it’s important to know how these scams work.

I also discussed my attempt to teach my son to savor delayed gratification. It has been working. He makes long-term(for an 11 year old) plans regularly.

Carnivals I’ve Rocked and Guest Posts I’ve Rolled

Money Problems: Setting Goals was included in the Festival of Frugality.

Your Budget is Worthless was included in the Carnival of Personal Finance.

Brown Bagging Your Way to Savings was included in the Carnival of Money Stories.

Debt Burnout was included in the Totally Money Carnival.

Thank you! If I missed anyone, please let me know.

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Have a great week!

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Negotiating Lesson 101.2:

30 Day Project Update

Best Posts

LRN Timewarp

Carnivals I’ve Rocked and Guest Posts I’ve Rolled

Get More Out of Live Real, Now