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The Happy Butt

Do you find the cloud in every silver lining?   Is the glass not only half empty, but evaporating?  Do you start every day thinking

Smiley head happy
Smiley head happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

about how the effects of entropy on the universe make everything you do ultimately pointless?

You may be a pessimist.

Pessimism gets a bad rap.    Without pessimists, we wouldn’t have insurance plans, missile defense systems, or Eeyore, and what would the world be without those things?

The thing you have to ask yourself is “Does the negativity make you happy?”

The next thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not you were lying with your previous answer.

If you have a negative outlook on everything, I have good news for you:  it’s possible to defeat it.   No matter how long you’ve been looking at the world through coffin-colored glasses, no matter how ingrained your negative slant is, it’s possible to change it.

You have to want to change it, because, as the saying goes, old habits die hard.   Yippee kai yay.

You need a happy butt.

Little known fact: language shapes the way you think.   If your language has no words for a concept, you will have a difficult time thinking about that concept, or even understanding it.    Statistically, Asians are better at math than their western-world counterparts.  Why?   It’s not genetic.    When a family moves to the US, the edge is lost within 2 generations.    It’s not the amount of school they get.    Even in backwaters with limited school access demonstrate the same abilities.

It’s the language.   Euro-based languages are horrible.   They are a clumsy mish-mash of crap from around the world, and the numbering system makes no sense.   11, 12, 13, huh?   Spoken, that’s not a progression, it’s something we have to learn by rote.   Why is 13 pronounce “thirteen”, with the ones place first, but 23 is pronounced with the tens place first, the way it is written?   Where did the word “twenty” even come from?  It’s obviously a horrible bastardization of “two” and “ten”, but is it self-evident?   Does the progression through the decades follow some kind of rule?   Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty.  Nope.

The Asian languages (most of them) differ.   The numeric progression is spoken in a rules-based progression that makes sense.   23 is literally “two tens three”, making learning math less about rote memorization and more about masters some simple rules.

In the western world, we are handicapped by our language, at least when it comes to math.

The rest of our thoughts are formed by language, too.   Learn a language with different roots than the one your were born with and see how your perceptions change.

One of the signs of negative thinking is qualifying everything you say negatively.   For example, one person might say “It’s a beautiful day, today” while Mr. Negativebritches would say “It’s a beautiful day, but it’s probably going to rain.”   That’s a sad butt, err, but.   Every time you qualify a sentence with a sad butt, you are reinforcing your negative view of the world.

The solution?  Drop your drawers and paint on a smiley face.   You need a happy but(t).    You can rephrase the sentence into a happy thought without changing the sentiment or meaning  in any way.   Try this:  “It’s probably going to rain, but it’s a beautiful day, now.”   That’s a happy butt, and it reinforces the positive in your mind.

It sounds stupid, but it works.   Your language shapes your life.   Put a positive spin on what you say, and you will eventually start to think about life in a positive way.

Give it a shot.  For the next week, every time you say something negative, qualify it with a happy butt.   At the end of the week, come back here and tell me how it’s working and if you can sense a change in your mindset.

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Cutting Costs While Cutting Hair

Beauty Girl Surprise.
Image via Wikipedia

About once per quarter, my wife and I have a…I won’t call it a fight.  It’s more like she-comes-home-looking-stunning-while-I-make-disapproving-grunting-sounds-while-giving-the-checkbook-dirty-looks.

I hate salons.

$80 for highlights, $30 for a haircut and $15 for eyebrow “shaping”.   It’s an afternoon of chemicals and hot-wax torture, for the low, low price of $125 + tip.  Frugal it’s not, but that’s an argument I lost long ago.

This weekend, she tried something new.

Beauty school.

For roughly the cost of materials, she got her eyebrows “shaped” and her hair highlighted and cut by a senior student at the beauty school, under the supervision of a licensed beautician/instructor.

It looks good, and she said she had more fun during her appointment than any other salon trip she’s had.   I guess there’s something to be said for interacting with someone who isn’t burned out on interacting with the general public.

What does it cost?  What normally runs $125 cost just $35.  That’s for a $5 cut, $25 highlighting, and $5 wax.   That’s a $90 savings or 72% off.  Yay!

Other services they offer include:

  • Full color, cut and shampoo for $20.
  • A Perm for $25.
  • Mani/pedi for $24.
  • Full set of acrylic nails for $15.
  • Wax for $5.  Have I ever mentioned that I am happy to be a guy?
  • Seaweed treatment for $10.  I don’t even know what this is.   A buffet, maybe?

They also have a “Princess” package that we’re going to use for brat #2’s birthday party next month.   It’s an up-do, nail polish, make-up, and tiara for $10 per kid.  We’ll take the girls out to get made up all pretty-like, then off to the dollar theater, for a $35 party.

The school my wife visited has more than 90 locations in 21 states, but I’d be willing to be every city big enough to support a Wal-Mart also has a beauty school nearby.  They don’t tend to advertise their customer services, so you’ll have to call, but for a 70% discount, it worth spending a bit of time on the phone, isn’t it?

I have two questions for you, dear readers:

  1. Would you consider going to a beautician trainee?
  2. What the heck is a seaweed treatment?
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Inadvertent BOGO

I refuse to buy my kid more expensive video game systems.    He’s got a friend who’s got one of each, going back 15 years.

This is a picture of an XBOX, and its controller.
Image via Wikipedia

We don’t do that, so he’s spent the last 6 months saving to buy his own XBox 360.  After his birthday this month, he finally had enough, so we ordered it a few days ago.

Wednesday was the Great Unboxing.

I was making dinner in the kitchen while the punk and his friend unpacked the box from Amazon.

The squeals were normal.   The shouts of “Dad, why did you buy two XBoxes?” were a surprise.

Two?

No.

Actually, yes.   There were two of the things in the box.   Did I order two?  Did I accidentally pay for two?

Nope.  The packing slip only listed one, my order history only showed one, and my credit card was only charged for one.

Yet, there were two in the box.  Free XBox! Woot!

That means an XBox in the bedroom for Grand Theft Auto and Red Dead Redemption, and an XBox in the basement for Madden and Star Wars.    No fighting.  No turns to take.   And it didn’t cost us an extra $200.

That’s all win.

If there’s nothing on the packing slip, then Amazon didn’t know I had it.  Even if they did, I didn’t do anything to make them send it.  There was no fraud.  Legally, I had no obligation of any kind to do anything other than enjoy my new prize.

Lots of win.

The kids were excited.  Everyone gets a turn.  Multiplayer games.

The parents were excited.  We get a turn.  M-rated games.

So much freaking win in that box.

But….

There’s always a but.

We didn’t order it.  We didn’t pay for it.  It wasn’t ours.

A friend told me to sell it.  She knows how hard we’re working to pay off debt.

A coworker said, “Screw them.  They’re just a big corporation who’d be happy to screw you first.”

But it wasn’t ours.

I spent 12 hours trying to rationalize a way to keep it that wouldn’t be unethical, make me feel guilty, or–most important–send a horrible message to my kids.

I couldn’t do it.

It wasn’t ours.

I had a talk with my son.   It was his money that got this little prize into our house, after all.    He wanted to keep it, naturally.  He’s got a lot to learn about persuasion.   He acknowledged that sending it back was the right thing to do.   He agreed that it would suck if the roles were reversed.  His only argument in favor of keeping it was “I want it.”

Even he admitted that was completely lame.

It’s going back.  I let him think that was his decision.

I talked to Amazon.  They apologized for the inconvenience and gave me a UPS label to send it back at no cost.   It didn’t cover pickup, but I’ve got a drop box in my office building, so I can deal with that.

My wife was pissed.   The customer service rep never bothered to say thank you.   She called Amazon to complain to a manager.  After reminding him that we had no duty to return the free XBox, he gave us a $25 gift card to say thank you.

I love my wife.

My son, for deciding to to the right thing, gets to spend the gift card.   My wife, for being awesome, gets to be with me.  I miss my free XBox.

What would you do?  Would you keep the free XBox, sell it, or send it back?

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The Happy Challenge

Watch this video.


Done?

Great.

For the cheaters, the part I am most interested in is the bit about reprogramming your brain for happiness.   Studies are showing that you can rewire yourself to be happier by doing happy things.

The science is sound.  Good things trigger a dopamine reaction.  Your body likes dopamine, so you start craving the things that make it happen, which all happen to be good things.  As you suffer dopamine withdrawal, you become driven to do what it takes to get your fix.

The process is similar to heroin withdrawal, with no downside.

Hugging your kids(assuming you like them) triggers the reaction.  So does sex, successes at work, and beating a video game.

The specific plan mentioned in the video is to write down three things that you are grateful for, once per day, for 21 days in a row.  That will begin the self-reinforcing training that can get you hooked on being happy.

That’s a win. 75% of job success is predicted by your attitude.  You are 31% more productive when you are happy.  You’re also more fun to be around.

That’s a win.

Here’s my challenge:

For the next 21 days, do it.  Write down 3 thing you are grateful for.  What makes you happy?  It’s okay if it’s hard.  If it’s hard for you, you need it more than most.

Now, the truly hard part:

Fill out this form every day.  Your answers can be as long or as short as you’d like, but there has to be 3 new things every day for 21 days.  We’re going to train your brain to look for the positive, so you can’t give me 63 things on day 21.  3 things, 21 days.

On day 22, tell me how the previous 3 weeks have been.

When it’s over, I’ll hold a drawing for everyone who completed the challenge.   Not everyone will see this immediately, so I’m going to run the challenge until May 15.    That means you have until April 24th to get started.

3 answers per day means three prizes.  I’ll give away a total of $250 to three lucky participants.   That’s a $125 prize, a $75 prize, and a $50 prize, but you have to obey the rules.  3 things, 21 days in a row.

Be happy.  I dare you.