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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.

Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?

Me: Yes?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: May I ask what that was for?

FMe: Of course.

Me: What was that for, jerk?

FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.

Me: What?!? I’ve never even met you, before.

FMe: Of course you have. I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.

Me: Huh?

FMe: Listen close. You’re not the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.

Me: ???

FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.

Me: I don’t appreciate….

FMe: Shut up. I was dumb then, too. Remember? You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year. On top of many other expensive decisions. Do your recall?

Me: Yes, I do. So what?

FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car. Your kids wear new clothes. You’ve got a house full of new furniture. How did you pay for all of that?

Me: Naturally, I charged it. Zero payments, zero interest for a year! Pretty smart, huh?

FMe: What happens in a year?

Me: I don’t know. I’ve got a full year to figure that out.

FMe: <Slap!> I’ll tell you what happens! Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed! Your raise didn’t come through. You had a baby. The truck broke down. Your wife took maternity leave. A roommate moved out. You took a loss in the stock market. You didn’t plan! You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.

Me: How was I to know?

FMe: <Slap!> Life happens! You never know what is coming next. You need to plan and save for what might happen. Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly. That is not acceptable.

Me: So? What are you going to do about it?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: Really? Again?

FMe: <Slap!> I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help. Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux. My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford. You’ve screwed me, dude.

Me: I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?

FMe: Buy me dinner, first.

Me: Huh?!?!?

FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change. No credit.

Me: None?

FMe: None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Only spend what you can afford. Budget. Pay off those nasty bills. Don’t leave me hanging.

Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?

FMe: Exactly. That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence. Live in the real world.

Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me! Now I know.

FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

The Zombie Guide to Saving

Finance

Brains!

Nobody has ever accused a zombie of being smart. The are, after all, dead and rotting. Their primary means of education themselves is eating the brains of the living, which is hardly an efficient learning style. Besides, in a strictly Darwinian sense, their victims are among the least qualified to teach useful skills.

Zombies smell. They are little more than flesh-eating monsters. They are lousy in the sack. Yet, for all their flaws, have you ever heard of a zombie in debt or worried about financing retirement? They are obviously doing something right.

What can you learn from a zombie? That depends on the type of zombie. Not all of the life-challenged were created equal.

There are 3 main types of zombies:

1. Slow shamblers are best recognized by their lurching gait and unintelligible grunting, similar to a frat party at 3AM. They are rarely fresh specimens. Arguably the the scariest of all zeds, due to the sheer inevitability of their assault, they do always get where they are going, even if it takes a while. Trapped in a pit or a pool, they will keep trying to reach their goal. A slow shambler, were he able to effectively communicate beyond the basic “Hey, can I eat your brain?” would tell you to approach your goals like the famous tortoise: slowly. Set aside an affordable amount in savings every week, no matter what. Even if your are stuck saving just $10 each month, you will eventually get your sweet, sweet brains.

2. Voodoo zombies are the still-living, yet mindless minions on a voodoo priest. These unlucky non-corpses crossed the wrong people–usually by stealing or not repaying their debts–and ended up cursed for it. They are forced to do the bidding of their masters until such time as their debt has been repaid, if ever. Their warning is to always pay your debts and do not steal. Honest, ethical behavior is the best way to avoid this fate.

3. Runners are almost always “fresh” to the game. As they decompose, they slowly transform into slow shamblers. These fellas can often pass for the living…from a distance. By the time you get close enough to identify them as monsters, your brains are on the menu. They are capable of sprinting for short distances and, on occasion, have even been seen to run up vertical walls. To properly categorize the runners, we have to break them down into 2 sub-groups. The first sub-group is the envy of all zombies still capable of envy. They have used their skills to trap enough prey(that’s us, folks!) that they will feel no hunger for the foreseeable future. They are secure. They are the successful runners. The other sub-group tries to emulate the first, but lack both planning and follow-through. While the first group builds momentum to secure their future, the second group tends to use that momentum to smack face-first into the wall, confused at where their lunch went. Constantly charging from one thing to the next, they never manage to sink a claw into their goals. To avoid falling into the second group, you’ll have to settle on a strategy and pursue it with all the single-minded, decomposing determination you can muster.

You know what they say: “Great minds taste alike.” What kind of financial zombie are you?

First 3 Things to Do in the New Year

Finance

: Image by iowa_spirit_walker via Flickr

With the new year looming, it’s the perfect time to review the things that may not have gone as well as planned in the current year, and plan ahead for the coming year, to make sure things go well from now on.

To get a good start in the new year, you should focus on three things.

1. Budget.

A good budget is the basis of every successful financial plan. If you don’t have a budget, you have now way of knowing how much money you have to spend on your necessities or you luxuries. Do you really want to guess about whether or not you can afford to get your car fixed, or braces for your kid? I’ve gone over all of the essentials to make a budget before. Now is the perfect time to review that series and make sure your own budget is functional and ready for the new year.

At the same time, spend some time thinking about how your what has gone wrong with your budget over the previous year. In my case, when we got back from vacation in August, our mindset had changed a bit about spending money, and we got out of the habit of staying strictly on budget. By the time we got back on track, it was Christmas and our plans got shot, again. If it weren’t for my side hustles–money that I don’t track in the budget because the money isn’t consistent, yet–we would have had some serious problems this fall. Where have you gone wrong, and what could you do to improve next year?

2. Credit Cards and New Debt.

In the new year, if you haven’t already done so, make sure you throw your credit cards away. The most basic law of debt reduction is, “If you don’t stop using debt, you’ll never be out of debt.” That’s why you need to set up your budget first. Make sure that your expenses are less than your income, so you can make ends meet without having to charge the difference.

How has your debt use worked out over the last year? Have you used it at all, or have you eliminated the desire to pay interest? What have you used your credit cards for? How much of that could you have done without?

3. Estate Planning.

Now is the time to make sure that all affairs are in order, if the worst should happen. If you die, what happens to your money? Your kids? I’ve gone over everything you need in an estate plan before, so I won’t beat that horse again. You owe it to your family to make sure they are taken care of if something should happen to you. At a bare minimum, write a will and get it notarized.

Have you putting off writing your will? You know you need one, but it’s a morbid thought, so it’s easy to put off, right? Get over it. If you love your family, you’ll do better and get your affairs together next year.

That’s a good financial start for 2011. What are you missing in your financial life?

Cooking Poor

Finance

Frugal cooking can be an intimidating concept. It’s easy to turn a meal into a huge expense, but it’s not that hard to trim your grocery budget without sacrificing variety and flavor. It just takes some planning and a few money-saving techniques. We usually feed our family of five, often with guests, for about $100 per week.

Schedule your meals. Find or make a weekly meal planner. I recommend this or this. Cross out the meals you don’t need to worry about due to your schedule that week. If you won’t be home, you don’t have to cook that meal. Fill in the meals in the remaining slots. Keep your schedule in mind. If you get home from work at 5:30 and have to be somewhere by 6:30, dinner needs to be something quick. Also, make sure you include every side dish you will be serving. Now, look at the recipe for each dish in every meal. Write down everything you need to make all of the food you plan to eat that week. While planning your meals, think about how to use your leftovers. If you cook chicken breasts one day, the leftovers can be chicken nuggets the next.

Take inventory. Take your meal plan and a pen while you look through all of your cabinets and your refrigerator. Why buy what you already have? If you already have steaks in the freezer, don’t waste your money buying more. If you have it, cross it off of your meal plan shopping list. Whatever is left is your shopping list. Review it. Is there anything that can be combined or eliminated? Is there a key ingredient for a sauce that’s missing?

Don’t forget the staples. If flour or sugar is on sale, stock up. Anything you use on a regular basis is a staple, buy it when it’s cheap.

Build a shopping list from your meal plan. When you are in the store, stick to your list. It’s hard, but avoid impulse purchases at all costs. Don’t shop hungry, don’t buy things just because they are on sale, and don’t dawdle. Get what you need and get out.

Avoid pre-processed food. We slice and shred our own cheese. Buying the pre-shredded cheese costs an extra $5 and saves just 5 minutes. Don’t buy pre-sliced apples or anything that will only save a few minutes for several dollars of cost.

Every couple of weeks, I cook a large pot of either beans or rice and keep it in the refrigerator. Almost every meal that we cook gets a cup or two of beans or rice added to it. It doesn’t alter the flavor much, but it adds a few extra servings for pennies. It’s a healthy way to stretch any meal on the cheap.

We have a large bowl in the refrigerator filled with mixed greens. We buy whatever salad-like greens are on sale and prepare the large salad all at once. Most meals start with a salad, which makes it easier to fill up without relying on the protein dish, which is generally the most expensive part of a meal. As a dedicated meat-eater, it took some getting used to, but it’s a good meal–cheap and healthy.

Cook enough for at least 3 meals. That will eliminate 2/3 of the work involved in cooking. Plan ahead to make your meals simple and easy.

Freeze the leftovers in usable sizes. Stock up on semi-disposable meal-sized containers. Freeze some in single-serving sizes for work, and others in family-size servings for last minute meals at home. Preparing for last minute meals keeps you from serving garbage or takeout when life gets in the way of your plans.

Avoid wasting leftovers. Wasted food is wasted money.

When you are done cooking meat, take any drippings or scraps and throw them into the slow-cooker along with any vegetable scraps laying around. Cook it overnight, then strain it into an ice cube tray. You now have stock/broth ready to be added to any recipe.

Plan for serial meals. Chicken breast leftover from today’s meal can become chicken nuggets tomorrow, to be shredded into chicken salad the next day.

When there isn’t enough left for a full serving, we put the remains in a resealable bag in the freezer. When we accumulate enough to fill our slow-cooker, we dump in all of the bags with a couple cups of water. I look through the refrigerator for any leftovers that have been overlooked that week or any vegetables getting close to being too old. It all gets cut up and added to the cooker to cook on low all day. I rarely add seasoning because everything going in the pot tastes good. We never get the same meal twice and our “free soup” is never bland.

That’s how we cook cheap, without sacrificing too much time. How do you save money cooking?

This post is a blast from the past. Originally posted here in January 2010.

How to Save

Finance

Saving is hard. For years, we would either not save at all, or we’d save a bit, then rush to spend it. That didn’t get us very far. Years of pretending to save like this left us with nothing in reserve. Finally, we’ve figured out the strategy to save money.

First and foremost, make more than you spend. This holds true at any level of income. If you don’t make much money, then you need to not spend much, either. Sometimes, this isn’t possible under current circumstances. In those cases, you need to either increase your income or decrease your expenses. Cut the luxuries and pick up a side hustle. The wider the gap between your bottom line and your top line, the easier it is to save.

Next, make a budget and stick to it. There is no better way to track both your income and your expenses. I’ve discussed budgets before, so I won’t address that in detail today. Short version: Make a budget. Use any software you like. Use paper if you want. Make it and use it.

Pay yourself first. The first expense listed on your budget should be you. Save first. If you can’t afford to save, you can’t afford some of the other items in your budget. Cut the cable or take the bus, but save your money. Without an emergency fund, your budget is just a empty dream when something unexpected comes up. And something unexpected always comes up.

Automate that payment to yourself. Don’t leave yourself any excuse not to make that payment. Set up an automated transfer to another bank and forget about it. Schedule the transfer to happen on payday, every payday.

Now comes the hard part: Forget about the money. Don’t check your balance. Don’t think about it in any way. Just ignore it. For the first month or two, this will be difficult. After that, you’ll forget it exists for a few months and come back amazed at how much you’ve saved.

If you don’t forget about it, and you decide to dip into the account, you are undoing everything you’ve worked so hard to save. Do yourself a favor and leave the money alone.

Yakezie Carnival: The 93 Edition

Misc

Welcome to the Yakezie Carnival. The Yakezie is a group of the best personal finance blogs on the internet. In short, we rock. Joining the Yakezie is a 6 month challenge involving Alexa ranking and cross-promotion.

These are posts submitted by Yakezie members. Please note, this is the 93 Edition, not the 93rd Edition.

Today is April 3rd, the 93rd day of the year.

93 is a Blum integer. For those of you who don’t know, a Blum integer is, to quote Wikipedia, a natural number n if n = p×q is a semiprime for which p and q are distinct prime numbers congruent to 3 mod 4. Now you know as much as you did before. If you understand that definition, you probably already knew what a Blum integer was. To me, this means a Blum integer is a number that has a definition that I have to copy and paste to even repeat coherently. It exists solely to make math geeks feel smart. I am not a math geek.

On to the carnival!

KrantCents brings us Cash or Credit, a post about the choice between using cash or credit for purchases. We’ve wrestled with this one before. A few months ago, we basically abandoned the cash-only system as inconvenient and too easy to ignore. Right now, we are transitioning to a travel rewards card for all of our regular purchases. I’m going to see how much of my trip to the Financial Blogger Conference I can get for free.

Using thelemic isopsephy, a form of numerology promoted by Aleister Crowley, Will + Love = 93. Crowley once said something to the effect of “Never lie. Just live the kind of life no one will believe.” I love that quote, but I can’t remember where I read it.

Dr. Dean presents 5 Tips Plus A Bonus On Saving Money: Today! and says “Dr Dean’s patients are telling him their costs are rising, despite the feds promise that inflation is under control. 5 tips to save a little money, now (with a fun bonus!)” As a father of 3, the bonus tip needs to be rethought. Long-term costs….

On February 8th, 1993, GM sued NBC for faking crashes that show GM trucks catching fire in car accidents. First, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that cars catch fire in every accident, no matter how minor. Second, where’s Toyota’s lawsuit, now?

Jacob at My Personal Finance Journey bring us Are Extended Auto Warranties A Scam? and says “A look at the considerations that should go in to deciding whether or not extended warranties are worth their weight in gold.” I want to call extended auto warranties a scam, but I can’t. When I bought my car, I got the warranty and paid a couple of thousand dollars for it(I don’t remember exactly how much!). For years, it was worthless, but shortly before the warranty expired, I had a couple of problems that needed to be fixed, so I brought it in and asked for a complete inspection to go with the repair. All told, I got close to $5,000 in repairs for that $2,000 warranty and my car drives like new at 7 years old.

On May 10th, 1893, the United States Supreme Court officially declared the tomato to be a vegetable, proving once again that, not only will the government stick its nose into absolutely anything, but it doesn’t feel a need to base its decisions on facts or science. Remember that when you hear any government declaration regarding scientific facts or advances.

Money Reasons bring us Are We All COGs in the Machine Of Life? and says “Break away from the business machine that is using you as a COG spinning doing the owner’s bidding. Why just spin in circles wasting life away? Start your own business or develop some life fulfilling hobbies!” I love the idea of breaking out and doing what you love, whether or not it makes you any money. Life’s too short to hate everything about it.

In Q1, 1793, France declared war on Great Britain, Spain, and the Netherlands. Now, they make whine, pastries, and self-righteous politicians. The Earth is also 93 million miles from the sun. Coincidence? I think not.

Evan at My Journey to Millions offers up Important Dates When Investing in Dividend Producing Stocks and says “When you are dealing with dividend paying stocks there are dates whose definitions can be considered a term of art and you should know about including declaration date, ex-dividend date, record date and payment date.” I get lost when dealing with most investments. That’s mostly because, at this point in my financial journey, I don’t care. I’m still working on paying my way out of debt. I’ll worry about the investments later.

93 is located at the 42nd digit of pi. That is obviously significant. I should team up with Thelema to invent some mystical reason to take a paid holiday tomorrow to celebrate the works of Douglas Adams.

Melissa at Mom’s Plan presents How to Accomplish Your Goals Part Two: Write Down a Step-by-Step Timeline and says “Writing down the goal is only one step of the process; directing yourself as to how you will complete the process is just as important.” Having goals turns life into a game. Games are fun, so goals are good.

By contentment, the acquisition of extreme happiness. – 93rd Aphroism Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra

Darwin’s Money brings us Life Settlement Investment – Scam or Legit? and says “Life Settlement Investments – Profiting from Death? Scam? Or legitimate high yield alternative investment? Find out for yourself with the facts here.” Life settlement funds appeal to me in a totally morbid, Running Man kind of way. It’s less disturbing that Treadmill to Bucks.

Finally, 93 is the number of the flight that successfully fought back on 9/11. Never forget.