Live Real, Now

The no-pants guide to spending, saving, and thriving in the real world.

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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.
Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?
Me: Yes?
FMe: <Slap!>
Me: May I ask what that was for?
FMe: Of course.
Me: What was that for, jerk?
FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.
Me: What?!?  I’ve never even met you, before.
FMe: Of course you have.  I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.
Me: Huh?
FMe: Listen close.  You’re not  the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.
Me: ???
FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.
Me: I don’t appreciate….
FMe: Shut up.  I was dumb then, too.  Remember?  You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year.  On top of many other expensive decisions.  Do your recall?
Me: Yes, I do.  So what?
FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car.  Your kids wear new clothes.  You’ve got a house full of new furniture.  How did you pay for all of that?
Me: Naturally, I charged it.  Zero payments, zero interest for a year!  Pretty smart, huh?
FMe: What happens in a year?
Me: I don’t know.  I’ve got a full year to figure that out.
FMe: <Slap!>  I’ll tell you what happens!  Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed!   Your raise didn’t come through.  You had a baby. The truck broke down.  Your wife took maternity leave.  A roommate moved out.  You took a loss in the stock market.  You didn’t plan!  You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.
Me: How was I to know?
FMe: <Slap!>  Life happens!  You never know what is coming next.  You need to plan and save for what might happen.  Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly.  That is not acceptable.
Me:  So?  What are you going to do about it?
FMe: <Slap!>
Me: Really?  Again?
FMe: <Slap!>  I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help.  Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux.  My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford.   You’ve screwed me, dude.
Me: I’m sorry.  What can I do to fix it?
FMe: Buy me dinner, first.
Me: Huh?!?!?
FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change.  No credit.
Me: None?
FMe: None.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Only spend what you can afford. Budget.  Pay off those nasty bills.  Don’t leave me hanging.
Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?
FMe: Exactly.  That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence.  Live in the real world.
Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me!  Now I know.
FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

 

The Zombie Guide to Saving

Finance

Mr Zombie
Image via Wikipedia

Brains!

Nobody has ever accused a zombie of being smart.  The are, after all, dead and rotting.  Their primary means of education themselves is eating the brains of the living, which is hardly an efficient learning style.  Besides, in a strictly Darwinian sense, their victims are among the least qualified to teach useful skills.

Zombies smell.  They are little more than flesh-eating monsters.  They are lousy in the sack.  Yet, for all their flaws, have you ever heard of a zombie in debt or worried about financing retirement?  They are obviously doing something right.

What can you learn from a zombie? That depends on the type of zombie.  Not all of the life-challenged were created equal.

There are 3 main types of zombies:

1.  Slow shamblers are best recognized by their lurching gait and unintelligible grunting, similar to a frat party at 3AM.  They are rarely fresh specimens.  Arguably the the scariest of all zeds, due to the sheer inevitability of their assault, they do always get where they are going, even if it takes a while.   Trapped in a pit or a pool, they will keep trying to reach their goal.  A slow shambler, were he able to effectively communicate beyond the basic “Hey, can I eat your brain?” would tell you to approach your goals like the famous tortoise: slowly.  Set aside an affordable amount in savings every week, no matter what. Even if your are stuck saving just $10 each month, you will eventually get your sweet, sweet brains.

2.  Voodoo zombies are the still-living, yet mindless minions on a voodoo priest.  These unlucky non-corpses crossed the wrong people–usually by stealing or not repaying their debts–and ended up cursed for it.  They are forced to do the bidding of their masters until such time as their debt has been repaid, if ever.  Their warning is to always pay your debts and do not steal.  Honest, ethical behavior is the best way to avoid this fate.

3.  Runners are almost always “fresh” to the game.  As they decompose, they slowly transform into slow shamblers.  These fellas can often pass for the living…from a distance.  By the time you get close enough to identify them as monsters, your brains are on the menu.  They are capable of sprinting for short distances and, on occasion, have even been seen to run up vertical walls.  To properly categorize the runners, we have to break them down into 2 sub-groups.  The first sub-group is the envy of all zombies still capable of envy.  They have used their skills to trap enough prey(that’s us, folks!) that they will feel no hunger for the foreseeable future.  They are secure.  They are the successful runners.   The other sub-group tries to emulate the first, but lack both planning and follow-through.   While the first group builds momentum to secure their future, the second group tends to use that momentum to smack face-first into the wall, confused at where their lunch went.  Constantly charging from one thing to the next, they never manage to sink a claw into their goals.   To avoid falling into the second group, you’ll have to settle on a strategy and pursue it with all the single-minded, decomposing determination you can muster.

You know what they say: “Great minds taste alike.”  What kind of financial zombie are you?

Carnival Roundup: Bully Edition

Life, Parenting

My mother-in-law’s house is ready.   The walls are painted, the hardwood floors have been sanded and polished, the carpets have been cleaned.  Now, we just have to get the lease signed and let the renters in.

A school bus photographed in New York, New Yor...
A school bus photographed in New York, New York. Bus is a 2000-2001 Carpenter Classic 2000 body with an International 3800 chassis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week, we had our first real bullying incident on the school bus.  I guess one of the benefits of having a kid who is the biggest in the school is that nobody punches him.  My daughter doesn’t have that benefit.   She was punched and pushed for being in the wrong seat on the bus a couple of days ago.   Thankfully, the school dealt with it quickly.   The bus is equipped with video and the little girl copped to it.  She’s s off of the bus for a few days and her parents have been informed.   Unfortunately, her twin sister seems to be the vengeful type.  She came home yesterday lying about how my daughter behaved on the bus and got another little girl to lie about getting hit and bit by my daughter in school yesterday.

How do I know it’s all lies?

First, my daughter didn’t ride the bus yesterday afternoon.  She was scared in the morning, so I promised to pick her up from school.   Hard to misbehave on the bus when she was cuddling with her mother on the couch.    The other little girl–who goes to daycare with the twins just up the street from our daycare provider (who happens to be the grandmother of the twins)–recanted once she was away from the vengeful twin.  Her mother filled us in last night.  I’m not a fan of a grandmother defending a kid’s lies.  No kids are angels, but helping them lie doesn’t make them better people.

Live Real, Now was included in the following carnivals recently:

I’m aware that I’ve been a bit of a slacker about posting these links.  My apologies to everyone who deserved a link but didn’t get it in a timely manner.

Yakezie Carnival  hosted by Narrow Bridge

Finance Carnival for Young Adults   hosted by Finance Product Reviews

Carnival of Financial Planning   hosted by Family Money Values

Yakezie Carnival   hosted by Moneywise Pastor

Lifestyle Carnival hosted by Vanessa’s Money

Carnival of Money Pros  hosted by See Debt Run

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #64 hosted by Master the Art of Saving

Carnival of Retirement #52  hosted by Master the Art of Saving

Yakezie Carnival  hosted by Your PF Pro

Lifestyle Carnival #33 hosted by Lifestyle Carnival

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #62  hosted by Savvy Scot

Carnival of Money Pros   hosted by Debt Black Hole

Carnival of Money Pros    hosted by Making Sense of Cents

Lifestyle Carnival #31  hosted by Vanessa’s Money

Carnival of Money Pros  hosted by The Frugal Toad

Money Mail Carnival #5   hosted by The Money Mail

Carnival of Money Pros  hosted by Vanessa’s Money

Money Mail Carnival #4  hosted by The Money Mail

Finance Carnival for Young Adults #39 hosted by 20s Finances

Yakezie Carnival hosted by My Family Finances

Carnival of Money Pros    hosted by Growing Money Smart

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #57  hosted by My University Money

Money Mail Carnival #3 hosted by The Money Mail

Yakezie Carnival    hosted by I Heart Budgets

Carnival of Retirement #46  hosted by Making Sense of Cents

Yakezie Carnival hosted by The Ultimate Juggle

Carnival of Money Pros   hosted by My Multiple Incomes

Carnival of Financial Planning hosted by Master the Art of Saving

Money Mail Carnival #2 hosted by The Money Mail

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #56 hosted by See Debt Run

Carnival of Money Pros   hosted by Finance Product Reviews

Yakezie Carnival hosted by Parenting and Money

Lifestyle Carnival #27  hosted by Femme Frugality

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #55 hosted by My University Money

Yakezie Carnival hosted by The Ultimate Juggle

Lifestyle Carnival #26 hosted by Mo Money Mo Houses

Carnival of Money Pros  hosted by Debt Black Hole

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #54 hosted by Cash Net USA

Carnival of Financial Planning hosted by Young Family Finances

Yakezie Carnival   hosted by Portfolio Princess

Carnival of Money Pros   hosted by Thirty Six Months

Carnival of Retirement #41  hosted by Financial Conflict Coach

Lifestyle Carnival   hosted by Master the Art of Savings

Yakezie Carnival  hosted by Cult of Money

Lifestyle Carnival  hosted by Blue Collar Workman

Carnival of Money Pros   hosted by Making Sense of Cents

Carnival of Retirement #41 hosted by The College Investor

Thanks for including my posts.

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Multiracial Skinhead Love Triangle

Finance, Life

English: A goat
English: A goat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Honey, here on national television, in front of a live studio audience, I’ve got a secret I’d like to share.   You’re not our child’s mother.  I’ve been sleeping with the milkman.  And the goat.  Your mom is the star of my new adult website.  With the goat.  And the milkman.  I’ve got three other families, in three other cities.  I lost the house to my gambling addiction.   Those sores?  Herpesyphiligonoritis.  I got it from the foreign exchange student we hosted before I moved her to Dubuque and married her.  The goat gave her away.  The milkman cried.   Oh, and I wore your panties to the Illinois Nazi reunion.   I know how much you hate Illinois Nazis.  But I still love you.  And your sister.  Especially your sister.  She does that thing with her tongue….”

Why would anyone go on national television to share things like that?

More interesting: why would anybody stay on stage after hearing that?

Stay tuned.

I have this friend.  He bought a couple of cars.  He’s got some issues with money, partially revolving around a need to keep his assets below a certain threshold.   So he put the cars in his girlfriend’s name.  I know, it’s slightly crooked, but that makes the story more fun.

They broke up.

Recently, she called him to say she was suing him for the cars.  She wanted them.  She wanted to hurt him.  She was mean.   Somehow that turned into them agreeing to settle the case on Judge Joe Brown, on national television.

My friend spoke with the show’s producer, then last week, he was flown to California and put up in a hotel for a couple of days.   When he arrived at the TV studio, he was informed that it wasn’t Judge Joe Brown, but a new show that will start airing in the fall called, The Test.   According to CBS, The Test “is a one-hour conflict resolution talk show that will use lie detector and DNA tests to settle relationship and paternity disputes among the guests.”   Coincidentally, CBS also owns Judge Joe Brown.

My friend got on stage with Dr. Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, and was accused of cheating on his girlfriend and stealing her identity.   Lie detectors.  Yelling.  Accusations.

Why did he stay?

He wasn’t given his return plane ticket until they were done filming.

When he was done, they handed him a voucher for cab fare and the itinerary for his return flight.  Until then, he had no other way to get home.

That’s why people stay on stage.  It’s probably also why none of those shows ever have people with money of their own; they can find their own way home in a pinch.

Interesting side note:  The show paid $200  and booked the cheapest possible return flight, with a 6 hour layover.

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It’s Better to Buy a House than Rent

Finance

This guest post is brought to you by Lender411.com.

The debate is ongoing about whether it’s better to rent a home or buy one. Which is best?

To start, identify your goals. This includes short-term goals and long-term goals—anything relevant to your living situation or your finances. Are you someone who likes to move around and explore new areas, or have you put down strong roots in a specific location? Are you planning to raise a family? Is that family going to grow over the years? Do you plan to build up wealth? Are you aiming to retire a few years early? Work these things out as best you can. You need to know where you’re headed.

Beyond these life considerations, there are some specific facts about homeownership that typically make buying a house a better choice than renting one indefinitely. Specifically, you’ll save money in the long run if you buy a house. Studies have shown that if you plan to remain in a residence longer than five years, you’re better off buying than renting. Here’s why.

Equity. When you own a house, every dollar you put toward paying off the principal of your mortgage is actually going right back to your pocket in the long run. A house itself is an investment—it is a thing that holds value and, in fact, often gains value over time. It’s almost like a savings account. When you put money into a savings account, it stays there. Sure, you don’t exactly have access to the money, but it’s still there and, in the long run, it’s still yours. You don’t gain this value when you’re renting a piece of property. The money you pay out is simply gone.

Value. As mentioned above, a house, like any other financial instrument or investment, can actually increase in value over time without any effort on your part. Sometime property values just go up. Historically, in fact, just about all property gains value in the long run—often significant value. Real estate is a very popular form of investment even separate from the fact that it provides your family with a place to live. Even with a mortgage, the ultimate return you can get for your money is typically very good, especially if you’re able to find the best mortgage rates when you enter the loan. Renting doesn’t give you this opportunity to someday capture increasing property value.

Stability. One of the most appealing perks of home ownership is the consistency of payments month to month. If you have a fixed rate mortgage, your monthly payment is locked in at a certain amount for the next thirty years or so. This can be extremely comforting for some people and extremely helpful when it comes to budgeting long-term. When renting, prices may fluctuate from lease to lease, or you may move from one place to another and constantly have to readjust your budget and lifestyle. Also, mortgage payments on a house will, at some point, end. When those thirty years are up, chances are you won’t need to make any payments toward your house beyond property taxes from then on. Renting, however, never ends. You’ll never truly have a place of your own.

Despite the strength of these three facts in favor of home ownership over renting, the choice is ultimately one that must be made by individuals and families. Everyone has different long-term goals, and those goals must be identified first. But make the decision wisely. From a financial perspective, home ownership is the better of the two options long-term.

Update:  I just realized I didn’t include the link to the Festival of Frugality that included this post.  That’s fixed.