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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.

Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?

Me: Yes?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: May I ask what that was for?

FMe: Of course.

Me: What was that for, jerk?

FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.

Me: What?!? I’ve never even met you, before.

FMe: Of course you have. I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.

Me: Huh?

FMe: Listen close. You’re not the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.

Me: ???

FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.

Me: I don’t appreciate….

FMe: Shut up. I was dumb then, too. Remember? You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year. On top of many other expensive decisions. Do your recall?

Me: Yes, I do. So what?

FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car. Your kids wear new clothes. You’ve got a house full of new furniture. How did you pay for all of that?

Me: Naturally, I charged it. Zero payments, zero interest for a year! Pretty smart, huh?

FMe: What happens in a year?

Me: I don’t know. I’ve got a full year to figure that out.

FMe: <Slap!> I’ll tell you what happens! Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed! Your raise didn’t come through. You had a baby. The truck broke down. Your wife took maternity leave. A roommate moved out. You took a loss in the stock market. You didn’t plan! You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.

Me: How was I to know?

FMe: <Slap!> Life happens! You never know what is coming next. You need to plan and save for what might happen. Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly. That is not acceptable.

Me: So? What are you going to do about it?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: Really? Again?

FMe: <Slap!> I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help. Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux. My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford. You’ve screwed me, dude.

Me: I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?

FMe: Buy me dinner, first.

Me: Huh?!?!?

FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change. No credit.

Me: None?

FMe: None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Only spend what you can afford. Budget. Pay off those nasty bills. Don’t leave me hanging.

Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?

FMe: Exactly. That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence. Live in the real world.

Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me! Now I know.

FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

Yakezie Carnival: The 93 Edition

Misc

Welcome to the Yakezie Carnival. The Yakezie is a group of the best personal finance blogs on the internet. In short, we rock. Joining the Yakezie is a 6 month challenge involving Alexa ranking and cross-promotion.

These are posts submitted by Yakezie members. Please note, this is the 93 Edition, not the 93rd Edition.

Today is April 3rd, the 93rd day of the year.

93 is a Blum integer. For those of you who don’t know, a Blum integer is, to quote Wikipedia, a natural number n if n = p×q is a semiprime for which p and q are distinct prime numbers congruent to 3 mod 4. Now you know as much as you did before. If you understand that definition, you probably already knew what a Blum integer was. To me, this means a Blum integer is a number that has a definition that I have to copy and paste to even repeat coherently. It exists solely to make math geeks feel smart. I am not a math geek.

On to the carnival!

KrantCents brings us Cash or Credit, a post about the choice between using cash or credit for purchases. We’ve wrestled with this one before. A few months ago, we basically abandoned the cash-only system as inconvenient and too easy to ignore. Right now, we are transitioning to a travel rewards card for all of our regular purchases. I’m going to see how much of my trip to the Financial Blogger Conference I can get for free.

Using thelemic isopsephy, a form of numerology promoted by Aleister Crowley, Will + Love = 93. Crowley once said something to the effect of “Never lie. Just live the kind of life no one will believe.” I love that quote, but I can’t remember where I read it.

Dr. Dean presents 5 Tips Plus A Bonus On Saving Money: Today! and says “Dr Dean’s patients are telling him their costs are rising, despite the feds promise that inflation is under control. 5 tips to save a little money, now (with a fun bonus!)” As a father of 3, the bonus tip needs to be rethought. Long-term costs….

On February 8th, 1993, GM sued NBC for faking crashes that show GM trucks catching fire in car accidents. First, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that cars catch fire in every accident, no matter how minor. Second, where’s Toyota’s lawsuit, now?

Jacob at My Personal Finance Journey bring us Are Extended Auto Warranties A Scam? and says “A look at the considerations that should go in to deciding whether or not extended warranties are worth their weight in gold.” I want to call extended auto warranties a scam, but I can’t. When I bought my car, I got the warranty and paid a couple of thousand dollars for it(I don’t remember exactly how much!). For years, it was worthless, but shortly before the warranty expired, I had a couple of problems that needed to be fixed, so I brought it in and asked for a complete inspection to go with the repair. All told, I got close to $5,000 in repairs for that $2,000 warranty and my car drives like new at 7 years old.

On May 10th, 1893, the United States Supreme Court officially declared the tomato to be a vegetable, proving once again that, not only will the government stick its nose into absolutely anything, but it doesn’t feel a need to base its decisions on facts or science. Remember that when you hear any government declaration regarding scientific facts or advances.

Money Reasons bring us Are We All COGs in the Machine Of Life? and says “Break away from the business machine that is using you as a COG spinning doing the owner’s bidding. Why just spin in circles wasting life away? Start your own business or develop some life fulfilling hobbies!” I love the idea of breaking out and doing what you love, whether or not it makes you any money. Life’s too short to hate everything about it.

In Q1, 1793, France declared war on Great Britain, Spain, and the Netherlands. Now, they make whine, pastries, and self-righteous politicians. The Earth is also 93 million miles from the sun. Coincidence? I think not.

Evan at My Journey to Millions offers up Important Dates When Investing in Dividend Producing Stocks and says “When you are dealing with dividend paying stocks there are dates whose definitions can be considered a term of art and you should know about including declaration date, ex-dividend date, record date and payment date.” I get lost when dealing with most investments. That’s mostly because, at this point in my financial journey, I don’t care. I’m still working on paying my way out of debt. I’ll worry about the investments later.

93 is located at the 42nd digit of pi. That is obviously significant. I should team up with Thelema to invent some mystical reason to take a paid holiday tomorrow to celebrate the works of Douglas Adams.

Melissa at Mom’s Plan presents How to Accomplish Your Goals Part Two: Write Down a Step-by-Step Timeline and says “Writing down the goal is only one step of the process; directing yourself as to how you will complete the process is just as important.” Having goals turns life into a game. Games are fun, so goals are good.

By contentment, the acquisition of extreme happiness. – 93rd Aphroism Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra

Darwin’s Money brings us Life Settlement Investment – Scam or Legit? and says “Life Settlement Investments – Profiting from Death? Scam? Or legitimate high yield alternative investment? Find out for yourself with the facts here.” Life settlement funds appeal to me in a totally morbid, Running Man kind of way. It’s less disturbing that Treadmill to Bucks.

Finally, 93 is the number of the flight that successfully fought back on 9/11. Never forget.

How to Save

Finance

Saving is hard. For years, we would either not save at all, or we’d save a bit, then rush to spend it. That didn’t get us very far. Years of pretending to save like this left us with nothing in reserve. Finally, we’ve figured out the strategy to save money.

First and foremost, make more than you spend. This holds true at any level of income. If you don’t make much money, then you need to not spend much, either. Sometimes, this isn’t possible under current circumstances. In those cases, you need to either increase your income or decrease your expenses. Cut the luxuries and pick up a side hustle. The wider the gap between your bottom line and your top line, the easier it is to save.

Next, make a budget and stick to it. There is no better way to track both your income and your expenses. I’ve discussed budgets before, so I won’t address that in detail today. Short version: Make a budget. Use any software you like. Use paper if you want. Make it and use it.

Pay yourself first. The first expense listed on your budget should be you. Save first. If you can’t afford to save, you can’t afford some of the other items in your budget. Cut the cable or take the bus, but save your money. Without an emergency fund, your budget is just a empty dream when something unexpected comes up. And something unexpected always comes up.

Automate that payment to yourself. Don’t leave yourself any excuse not to make that payment. Set up an automated transfer to another bank and forget about it. Schedule the transfer to happen on payday, every payday.

Now comes the hard part: Forget about the money. Don’t check your balance. Don’t think about it in any way. Just ignore it. For the first month or two, this will be difficult. After that, you’ll forget it exists for a few months and come back amazed at how much you’ve saved.

If you don’t forget about it, and you decide to dip into the account, you are undoing everything you’ve worked so hard to save. Do yourself a favor and leave the money alone.

A Budget Isn’t Enough

Finance

: Image via Wikipedia

You know exactly how much you make, to the penny. You’ve listed all of your bills in a spreadsheet, including the annual payment for your membership to Save the Combat-Wombat. You know exactly how much is coming in and how much has to go out each month. Your income is more than your expenses, yet somehow, you still have more month than money.

What’s going on?

The short answer is that a budget is not enough.

A budget is not…

…a checkbook register. Do you track everything you spend? Are you busting your budget on $10 lattes or DVDs every few days? Is the take-out you have for lunch every day adding up to 3 times your food budget? Are you sure? If you don’t track what you spend, how do you know what you’ve actually spent? You have to keep track of what you are spending. Luckily there are ways to do this that don’t involve complex calculation, laborious systems or even proper math. The easy options include using cash for all of your discretionary spending(no money, no spendy!), rounding your spending up so you always have more money than you think you do, or even keeping your discretionary money is a separate debit account. That will let you keep your necessary expenses covered. You’ll just have to check your discretionary account’s balance often and always remember that sometimes, things take a few days to hit your bank.

…a debt repayment plan. You may know how much you have available, but if you aren’t exercising the discipline to pay down your debt and avoid using more debt, you not only won’t make progress, but you’ll continue to dig a deeper hole. Without properly managing the money going out, watching the money coming in is pointless.

…an alternative to responsible spending. Your budget may say you have $500 to spare every month, but does that mean you should blow it on smack instead of setting up an emergency fund? I realize most heroin addicts probably aren’t reading this, but dropping $500 at the bar or racetrack is just as wasteful if you don’t have your other finances in order. Take care of your future needs before you spend all of your money on present(and fleeting) pleasures.

A budget is a starting point for keeping your financial life organized and measuring a positive cash flow. By itself, it can’t help you. You need to follow it up with responsible planning and spending.

Extra Money? What Do I Do With Extra Money?

Finance

A couple of months ago, I started a new job. The new job has bonus potential every month, and

getting that bonus is largely under my control. Effectively, if I’m not a total slacker, I’ll get
about $500 every month, but it’s not guaranteed.

We’re also getting a small 4 figure tax refund this year. I wasn’t expecting that at the beginning
of last year, but one of my side hustles has taken a turn down a path I didn’t plan for, which
lowered my tax liability considerably.

Both of these things are money that we can’t plan for, so it’s not in the budget. It is extra
money.

What the heck do you do(responsibly) with extra money? It’s easy to take the money and run to the
spend it someplace fun.

Easy.

And tempting.

Very tempting.

But that wouldn’t be responsible at all.

The Dave Ramsey plan says we should put it on our debt, but our debt is down to just a mortgage,
and that’s down to $9000.

Retirement?

I actually over-contributed to my retirement last year, and had to file a form to get the
overpayment back instead of paying a penalty on that money. My wife’s account isn’t getting maxed,
yet, but she’s also way ahead of me in retirement savings.

So what to do with it?

I added a calculator that let’s me punch in a number and it breaks it out by our optional goals.

It has 6 categories:

Extra mortgage payment: 25%. My goal is to pay off the mortgage completely this year.
Retirement contribution: 25%. I do want to max Linda’s retirement contributions this year.
Emergency fund: 15%. We have an emergency fund, but I want to grow it to 6 months of our expenses.
Family: 15%. This if for whatever family thing we’re planning to do. It could be pushed into a down payment for another rental property, or a vacation, or a camper. We’ll decide this each time we get the extra money.
Jason’s Fun Money: 10%. This is for me to blow on something fun, like a 3D printer.
Linda’s Fun Money: 10%. This if for my wife to blow on something fun, like a present for me.

So, if we get $2500 randomly dropped in our mailbox, we’ll put $625 on the mortgage and a
retirement fund, $375 to the emergency fund and the family fund, and $250 to Linda and I for fun
stuff.

That lets us see progress on a few of our goals, while still rewarding how hard we’ve worked and
how much we’ve done without while becoming financially stable. 65% of it is pure grown-up &
responsible spending. 35% is generally fun, but can be repurposed if necessary.

What do you do with surprise money? Do you blow it or do something responsible with it?

The Zombie Guide to Saving

Finance

Brains!

Nobody has ever accused a zombie of being smart. The are, after all, dead and rotting. Their primary means of education themselves is eating the brains of the living, which is hardly an efficient learning style. Besides, in a strictly Darwinian sense, their victims are among the least qualified to teach useful skills.

Zombies smell. They are little more than flesh-eating monsters. They are lousy in the sack. Yet, for all their flaws, have you ever heard of a zombie in debt or worried about financing retirement? They are obviously doing something right.

What can you learn from a zombie? That depends on the type of zombie. Not all of the life-challenged were created equal.

There are 3 main types of zombies:

1. Slow shamblers are best recognized by their lurching gait and unintelligible grunting, similar to a frat party at 3AM. They are rarely fresh specimens. Arguably the the scariest of all zeds, due to the sheer inevitability of their assault, they do always get where they are going, even if it takes a while. Trapped in a pit or a pool, they will keep trying to reach their goal. A slow shambler, were he able to effectively communicate beyond the basic “Hey, can I eat your brain?” would tell you to approach your goals like the famous tortoise: slowly. Set aside an affordable amount in savings every week, no matter what. Even if your are stuck saving just $10 each month, you will eventually get your sweet, sweet brains.

2. Voodoo zombies are the still-living, yet mindless minions on a voodoo priest. These unlucky non-corpses crossed the wrong people–usually by stealing or not repaying their debts–and ended up cursed for it. They are forced to do the bidding of their masters until such time as their debt has been repaid, if ever. Their warning is to always pay your debts and do not steal. Honest, ethical behavior is the best way to avoid this fate.

3. Runners are almost always “fresh” to the game. As they decompose, they slowly transform into slow shamblers. These fellas can often pass for the living…from a distance. By the time you get close enough to identify them as monsters, your brains are on the menu. They are capable of sprinting for short distances and, on occasion, have even been seen to run up vertical walls. To properly categorize the runners, we have to break them down into 2 sub-groups. The first sub-group is the envy of all zombies still capable of envy. They have used their skills to trap enough prey(that’s us, folks!) that they will feel no hunger for the foreseeable future. They are secure. They are the successful runners. The other sub-group tries to emulate the first, but lack both planning and follow-through. While the first group builds momentum to secure their future, the second group tends to use that momentum to smack face-first into the wall, confused at where their lunch went. Constantly charging from one thing to the next, they never manage to sink a claw into their goals. To avoid falling into the second group, you’ll have to settle on a strategy and pursue it with all the single-minded, decomposing determination you can muster.

You know what they say: “Great minds taste alike.” What kind of financial zombie are you?