Live Real, Now

The no-pants guide to spending, saving, and thriving in the real world.

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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.
Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?
Me: Yes?
FMe: <Slap!>
Me: May I ask what that was for?
FMe: Of course.
Me: What was that for, jerk?
FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.
Me: What?!?  I’ve never even met you, before.
FMe: Of course you have.  I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.
Me: Huh?
FMe: Listen close.  You’re not  the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.
Me: ???
FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.
Me: I don’t appreciate….
FMe: Shut up.  I was dumb then, too.  Remember?  You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year.  On top of many other expensive decisions.  Do your recall?
Me: Yes, I do.  So what?
FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car.  Your kids wear new clothes.  You’ve got a house full of new furniture.  How did you pay for all of that?
Me: Naturally, I charged it.  Zero payments, zero interest for a year!  Pretty smart, huh?
FMe: What happens in a year?
Me: I don’t know.  I’ve got a full year to figure that out.
FMe: <Slap!>  I’ll tell you what happens!  Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed!   Your raise didn’t come through.  You had a baby. The truck broke down.  Your wife took maternity leave.  A roommate moved out.  You took a loss in the stock market.  You didn’t plan!  You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.
Me: How was I to know?
FMe: <Slap!>  Life happens!  You never know what is coming next.  You need to plan and save for what might happen.  Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly.  That is not acceptable.
Me:  So?  What are you going to do about it?
FMe: <Slap!>
Me: Really?  Again?
FMe: <Slap!>  I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help.  Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux.  My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford.   You’ve screwed me, dude.
Me: I’m sorry.  What can I do to fix it?
FMe: Buy me dinner, first.
Me: Huh?!?!?
FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change.  No credit.
Me: None?
FMe: None.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Only spend what you can afford. Budget.  Pay off those nasty bills.  Don’t leave me hanging.
Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?
FMe: Exactly.  That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence.  Live in the real world.
Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me!  Now I know.
FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

 

4 Ways to Change Your Finances for the Better

Finance

Finance is made out to be difficult, but it’s really not.   All financial advice really boils down to 2 sentences: “Spend less than you earn.  Save or invest the rest.”  Everything else is an unnecessary complication, unless you need to be told that commemorative plates aren’t actually an investment.   Unfortunately, we’re all people. (Except for you in the back.  I see you, and you are not people.)  People make mistakes.  People sometimes need things spelled out, or at least explained in a way that makes it seem less intimidating to get started.

With that in mind, here are four steps that will get you out of debt and, over a long enough timeline, make you rich:

1.  Lower your interest rates.  If you’ve got debt, particularly credit card debt, you’re paying too much interest.  It doesn’t matter what the interest rate is, it could be better.    It’s time to pick up the phone and politely ask your credit card company to lower your interest rate.  If they refuse, mention that their competitor is offering you 3% interest on a balance transfer with no transfer fee.    Mention a competitor by name, but don’t worry about a specific offer.   There are always offers being tossed about.

If they won’t lower your rate, find a company who will.   5% on a 10,000 balance is $500 per year.   That’s 3 months of payments for free.

2.  Lower your monthly payments.   Do you have a cable bill? A phone bill?  Any other bills?  Put them in a stack and call them.   Every. Single. One.  Ask if there is any way you can lower your bill.   Can you get put on a new customer promotion?   My electric company offers a saver switch for my air conditioner that will lower my bill by 15% just for giving them the ability to toggle my AC on and off.    When we had that installed, I never noticed it in use.

3.  Save $1000.   When you’ve got no money, every unexpected expense is an emergency.  When you’ve got a little bit socked away, you can ride out the problems without much worry.   $1000 may not be enough to ride out an extended bout of unemployment, but it does a pretty good job of taking the sting out of car repairs.   Do whatever you have to do, but get some money in an emergency fund.  Then, don’t touch it!

4.   Categorize wants and needs.  I want a vacation.  My kid needs braces.  I want a big screen TV.  My gas bill needs to get paid.  I want a new car.   My family needs food.  Are you sensing a theme?  Pay attention to what you spend.  Ask yourself if it’s something you need, or just something you really, really want.   Just the act of categorizing it can make it easier to avoid buying whatever it is.

5.  Use the savings from 1-4 to pay off whatever you owe.  Don’t blow your new-found savings on spinner rims or soap made from rich-people tallow.    Use it to finally get ahead of the game.

 

6 Questions to Financially Get to Know Each Other

Finance

This topic has been blatantly stolen from Budgets are Sexy.

1) How do you spend: cash, debit or credit? I use cash almost exclusively.  I live in Minnesota and have two small children, so bundling the brats up to go inside the gas station to pay is nuts.  Gas stations get the debit card.   Online shopping, or automatic payments set up in the payee’s system are done on a credit card that gets paid off every month.

[ad name=”inlineright”]2) Do you bank online? How about use a financial aggregator (Mint, Wesabe, Yodlee, etc.)?  I bank online.  I use USBank for my daily cash flow, INGDirect for savings management and Wells Fargo for business.  I used Mint strictly as a net worth calculator and alerting system.  I use Quicken to manage my money and a spreadsheet for my budget, but I really like the quick, hands-off way that Mint gathers my account information and emails low balance alerts.

3) What recurring bills do you have set on autopay? Absolutely everything except daycare, 2 annual payments, and 1 quarterly payment.

4) How are your finances automated? I use USBank’s billpay system, instead of setting up autopayments at every possible payee.   This gives me instant total control and reminders before each payment.   The exceptions are  my mortgage, netflix, and Dish.  My mortgage company takes the money automatically from my checking.  The other two hit a credit card automatically.  Our paychecks are direct-deposited and automatically transferred to the different accounts and banks, as necessary.

5) Do you write checks? If so, how often? Once per week, for daycare.  Occasionally for school fundraisers.

6) Where do you stash your short-term savings? I have quite a few savings accounts with INGDirect to meet all of my savings goals.  For the truly short term, I add a line item in Quicken and just leave the money in my checking account.

Who’s next?

Kids Are Temporary

Life, Parenting, Relationships

Have you ever watched someone go nuts after they have kids?

I mean, even after the I-haven’t-slept-more-than-20-minutes-in-a-row-for-3-months stage of babydom?

These people dedicate their lives to their kids.  They sacrifice all of their hopes and dreams and focus on the brats.    They can’t have a date night because little Sally might get lonely without mommy and daddy.  Can’t have a hobby because Johnny’s on the traveling soccer team.   Can’t get laid because it’s a family bed and that’s kind of creepy when the kids are right there.

Everything for the kids.

As they grow, it gets worse.  You spend more time helping with homework and less time talking to your wife.   More time playing chauffeur, less time playing doctor.

It’s a nasty cycle, and it comes with an abrupt stop.

What happens when school’s out?  Little Johnny graduates with a dual degree in Practical Philosophy and Experimental Art History, gets a job at the local Stab-and-Grab, gets married, and starts a family.

When that happens, parents suddenly become “extended family”.  The kid has a life of his own and probably doesn’t need his clothes picked out in the morning, a ride to soccer practice, or someone to write his name in his underwear.

This is planned.  It is–in theory–the reason we raise our kids.   It shouldn’t be a surprise, even if it is a bit of a shock.

Can you survive it?  Can your marriage?

If you’ve spent the last 20 years of your life pretending you are nothing but a system for delivering food, rides, and gadgets for your kids, what are you going to do with your time when they are busy pretending they are that system for their kids?   If you’ve never developed a hobby, are you going to go extra-special, bat-**** crazy now?

For 20 years, have all of your conversations been about your kids?  Have all of your outings been birthday parties?  Will you have anything to say to your spouse when the kids are gone?

Your kids are temporary.

They are important.  They are your genetic legacy and the people who will choose your nursing home.  Don’t neglect them, but you do have to hold something back.   Make time for yourself.  Make time for your husband or your wife.  Or both, if you can make that work.

When your kids are working 90 hour weeks building a new career, or hustling 4 kids to 10 after-school activities, your life doesn’t get to revolve around them.

All you’ve got is yourself and your wife.   If she’s not feeling secure about your feelings now, when she loses the distraction of puke in her hair, that insecurity will blossom in unpleasant ways.    If you can’t find a conversation that doesn’t involve the kids now, the silence will be blistering when you eventually lose that crutch.

If you don’t have a hobby, get one.

If you don’t have a relationship with your wife, get one.  Take her on a date tonight.   Your kids are temporary, your marriage shouldn’t be.    This is the rest of your life.  Make it worthwhile.

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Multiracial Skinhead Love Triangle

Finance, Life

English: A goat
English: A goat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Honey, here on national television, in front of a live studio audience, I’ve got a secret I’d like to share.   You’re not our child’s mother.  I’ve been sleeping with the milkman.  And the goat.  Your mom is the star of my new adult website.  With the goat.  And the milkman.  I’ve got three other families, in three other cities.  I lost the house to my gambling addiction.   Those sores?  Herpesyphiligonoritis.  I got it from the foreign exchange student we hosted before I moved her to Dubuque and married her.  The goat gave her away.  The milkman cried.   Oh, and I wore your panties to the Illinois Nazi reunion.   I know how much you hate Illinois Nazis.  But I still love you.  And your sister.  Especially your sister.  She does that thing with her tongue….”

Why would anyone go on national television to share things like that?

More interesting: why would anybody stay on stage after hearing that?

Stay tuned.

I have this friend.  He bought a couple of cars.  He’s got some issues with money, partially revolving around a need to keep his assets below a certain threshold.   So he put the cars in his girlfriend’s name.  I know, it’s slightly crooked, but that makes the story more fun.

They broke up.

Recently, she called him to say she was suing him for the cars.  She wanted them.  She wanted to hurt him.  She was mean.   Somehow that turned into them agreeing to settle the case on Judge Joe Brown, on national television.

My friend spoke with the show’s producer, then last week, he was flown to California and put up in a hotel for a couple of days.   When he arrived at the TV studio, he was informed that it wasn’t Judge Joe Brown, but a new show that will start airing in the fall called, The Test.   According to CBS, The Test “is a one-hour conflict resolution talk show that will use lie detector and DNA tests to settle relationship and paternity disputes among the guests.”   Coincidentally, CBS also owns Judge Joe Brown.

My friend got on stage with Dr. Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, and was accused of cheating on his girlfriend and stealing her identity.   Lie detectors.  Yelling.  Accusations.

Why did he stay?

He wasn’t given his return plane ticket until they were done filming.

When he was done, they handed him a voucher for cab fare and the itinerary for his return flight.  Until then, he had no other way to get home.

That’s why people stay on stage.  It’s probably also why none of those shows ever have people with money of their own; they can find their own way home in a pinch.

Interesting side note:  The show paid $200  and booked the cheapest possible return flight, with a 6 hour layover.

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