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Toxic People
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
-Duncan Idaho, from God-Emperor of Dune
Some people suck the life out of everyone they encounter. Whether it be through lies, unreasonable demands, emotional abuse or manipulation, or just a vile personalty, the people they meet are worse off for the encounter. The people they interact with every day are screwed.
My time is too precious to waste any of it unnecessarily on people who remove value from it. I like being with people who enrich my life, instead.
Unfortunately, since I’m not an advocate for the use of hitmen, not every toxic person is easy to eliminate from your life.
Toxic people come in 3 basic varieties: professional, personal, and family. There is some overlap between the categories.
The personal category is easiest to deal with. These people aren’t relatives or coworkers, so you won’t see them at family gatherings or at work. I’ve dealt with these people in two ways.
First, there is the direct approach. One former friend, who was really only a friend when it was convenient for him(a pure leech), got told that he wasn’t invited to one of our parties because I was inviting his ex-wife, instead. That was the last time he called me.
The second option is far more passive. I set up a contact group in my phone called “Life’s too short”. At first, I set it up with a fairly insulting ring tone, but I later switched it to no ring at all. I don’t know they’ve called until I check my voicemail. It’s far less direct, but also far easier than the direct approach.
Dealing with the toxic people in your family is more complicated. You’ll see them at holiday gatherings, or hear about them during unrelated visits. You probably have a lot of memories growing up with them, and may feel some level of obligation–deserved or not–to maintain contact. It’s hard to break a tie that you’ve had your entire life.
Can you fix their behavior? It’s worth trying to have a frank discussion about how they are treating you, or the things they are doing. If the problem is that they are constantly bringing over their methhead boyfriends, banning the drug addicts from your home, while still welcoming the relative may be an acceptable fix. If the problem is a constant need to belittle you, demanding they stop may work. If the problem is a lifetime of emotional abuse, it probably isn’t fixable.
Is banishment an option? Can you put that creepy cousin on the Life’s Too Short list? You’ll still have to deal with him at family gatherings, but you can always leave the room when he comes in, right? Don’t engage, don’t participate in any conversation beyond a polite greeting, and don’t offer any encouragement towards regular contact.
It’s possible that it won’t be possible to fix their behavior and that you won’t want to banish the offender. If, for example, the offender is your mother (Not you, Mom!), you may feel a sense of obligation to maintain contact, or even be a primary caregiver at times. This is a line nobody else can draw for you. At some point, the current bad behavior could overwhelm the past obligations. When that happens are you prepared for it? That can be a traumatic break.
The other option, as cold as it sounds, is to wait it out. Nature will take its course, eventually. Can you wait that long, while maintaining your sanity and emotional equilibrium?
Professional toxic people include customers, vendors, and coworkers, none of whom are easy to get rid of.
If you own the business, you can fire your problem customers if the hassle outweighs the benefits you get from the relationship. You can find a new vendor, and you can fire the problem employees.
What happens if you are an employee?
If the problem is your boss, your options are to suck it up, talk to his boss, or find a new job. If the first is intolerable, and the second is impossible, it’s time to polish your resume.
If the problem is a vendor, you’ve got some options. Document the problems, first. Does he make inappropriate jokes, or badmouth you to your customers? Then, research the alternatives. Does one of his competitors offer an equivalent product or service? Take the documentation and research to your boss, or whoever makes that decision, and see if you can get your company to make the switch. The other option, is to request someone new to deal with at the vendor’s company, but that may not always be possible.
Finally, we come to the problem of toxic coworkers.
Some coworkers have the same problems as a toxic boss. Is the company vice-president the boss’s baby brother? You’re probably not going to find a win there. You’ll have to suck it up or move on.
Is the problem person working in an unrelated department doing unrelated tasks? It may be possible to start taking breaks at different times and leave him where he belongs: in the past.
Is the difficult individual sharing an office with you, demanding everything be done his way, and throwing daily tantrums? This is the one that has to be dealt with. He’s the one sucking the life out of you every single day.
First, start making use of a voice recorder. If you’ve got a smartphone, you’ve probably already got one. Otherwise, drop the $20 to buy one. This lets you document the evil. When his behavior goes hinky, record it.
Second, stand up for yourself. If he’s making unreasonable demands, tell him it’s inappropriate. He’s a bully, and bullies tend to back down when they are confronted.
Third, make sure the boss knows about the behavior. Yes, this is tattling. Get over it. If he wasn’t acting like he was a spoiled 4 year old, you wouldn’t have to tell the boss that he was. If the boss doesn’t know there’s a problem, he can’t deal with it.
Fourth, for any problem that isn’t directly aimed at you, ignore it. If he makes a habit of throwing a tantrum because somebody emptied the coffee pot, or because the company switched health plans, let him. Only get in the way if it’s directed at you. Over time, the tantrums will get more noticeable and out of hand, forcing the boss to deal with it, preferably by handing him a pink slip.
Your goal is documentation, awareness, and avoidance. Make the worst of it go elsewhere so you can be as productive as possible, document what you can, and let the boss become aware of the situation and how bad it has become. And be patient. This isn’t an overnight fix.
How do you deal with the toxic people in your life?
Does Money Make Miley Cyrus Act Crazy?
If you’re like millions of people who saw Miley Cyrus’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards recently, you’ve probably wondered what the effect of massive success on the music and acting star. Cyrus seems to be
doing everything possible to remake her image in the exact opposite of her squeaky clean mold that Disney and other companies have created for her over the last several years. (A rumor has it that Disney even created a contractual obligation for Cyrus to maintain a certain haircut during her “Hannah Montana” television show.) There’s a sense of someone taking on their first sense of independence, and running with it — the star seemed to be sending the message to the audience that she was not going to live according to the expectations of others anymore, and from the look of it, they got that message loud and clear.
The horrified looks of Rihanna, Drake, and Will Smith aside, the real question people had is whether the massive financial rewards of Cyrus’ singing career can explain her crazy behavior. Cyrus is said to be worth about $100,000,000 — certainly a fortune by any standards. And since she is still struggling with the problems of young adulthood — forming an identity, understanding her values and taking a place in society, it’s very likely that her finances contribute to at least some of her behavior.This effect of money can come from many different areas of life. For one, many people who become wealthy at a young age are suddenly struck with the fact that they have no need to work, but who often want to develop a career and contribute to society. Take Steve Jobs for example, who at 31 years old was fired from Apple Inc. by the company’s board of directors. Jobs had in fact started the company himself, and was worth well over a hundred million dollars by that time. And yet, feeling like contributing to society was more important to his life than resting on his laurels, Jobs started a new company, NeXT, where he hoped to contribute inexpensive computers to universities.
The fact that Cyrus is barely into her 20s should tell you something about how much time she has to develop her career. She has enough to retire at an age when most people are just starting their first real job. And that is a tough position to be in. If she is hoping to push her singing and acting career well into adulthood — as most artists would like to — it may be that she is trying to make her mark now. Think of it a bit like Bob Dylan in 1964, releasing electric music for the first time, when before that point he was primarily known as a folk singer making gentle acoustic music.
Dylan’s idea may have been a bit like what Cyrus’ is. That is to say, maybe Miley Cyrus is trying to avoid becoming a has-been, a relic of the 2000’s who burned out playing inoffensive pop music. If this is the case, Cyrus may be able to shift her career into a different mode by showing herself to be an uncompromising artist. Remember that even the greats of the past — Frank Sinatra for example — were once viewed as essentially music for teenagers, and not serious artists. Sinatra even suffered career failure in his 20’s when his audience grew up and moved on to other things. But he came back to record success when he began allowing his music to mature and his ideas to gain focus. If Cyrus can pull such a move, she may not be remembered as a teeny-bopper, but as a serious artist.
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First 3 Things to Do in the New Year
- Image by iowa_spirit_walker via Flickr
With the new year looming, it’s the perfect time to review the things that may not have gone as well as planned in the current year, and plan ahead for the coming year, to make sure things go well from now on.
To get a good start in the new year, you should focus on three things.
1. Budget.
A good budget is the basis of every successful financial plan. If you don’t have a budget, you have now way of knowing how much money you have to spend on your necessities or you luxuries. Do you really want to guess about whether or not you can afford to get your car fixed, or braces for your kid? I’ve gone over all of the essentials to make a budget before. Now is the perfect time to review that series and make sure your own budget is functional and ready for the new year.
At the same time, spend some time thinking about how your what has gone wrong with your budget over the previous year. In my case, when we got back from vacation in August, our mindset had changed a bit about spending money, and we got out of the habit of staying strictly on budget. By the time we got back on track, it was Christmas and our plans got shot, again. If it weren’t for my side hustles–money that I don’t track in the budget because the money isn’t consistent, yet–we would have had some serious problems this fall. Where have you gone wrong, and what could you do to improve next year?
2. Credit Cards and New Debt.
In the new year, if you haven’t already done so, make sure you throw your credit cards away. The most basic law of debt reduction is, “If you don’t stop using debt, you’ll never be out of debt.” That’s why you need to set up your budget first. Make sure that your expenses are less than your income, so you can make ends meet without having to charge the difference.
How has your debt use worked out over the last year? Have you used it at all, or have you eliminated the desire to pay interest? What have you used your credit cards for? How much of that could you have done without?
3. Estate Planning.
Now is the time to make sure that all affairs are in order, if the worst should happen. If you die, what happens to your money? Your kids? I’ve gone over everything you need in an estate plan before, so I won’t beat that horse again. You owe it to your family to make sure they are taken care of if something should happen to you. At a bare minimum, write a will and get it notarized.
Have you putting off writing your will? You know you need one, but it’s a morbid thought, so it’s easy to put off, right? Get over it. If you love your family, you’ll do better and get your affairs together next year.
That’s a good financial start for 2011. What are you missing in your financial life?
How to Save
Saving is hard. For years, we would either not save at all, or we’d save a bit, then rush to spend it. That didn’t get us very far. Years of pretending to save like this left us with nothing in reserve. Finally, we’ve figured out the strategy to save money.
First and foremost, make more than you spend. This holds true at any level of income. If you don’t make much money, then you need to not spend much, either. Sometimes, this isn’t possible under current circumstances. In those cases, you need to either increase your income or decrease your expenses. Cut the luxuries and pick up a side hustle. The wider the gap between your bottom line and your top line, the easier it is to save.
Next, make a budget and stick to it. There is no better way to track both your income and your expenses. I’ve discussed budgets before, so I won’t address that in detail today. Short version: Make a budget. Use any software you like. Use paper if you want. Make it and use it.
Pay yourself first. The first expense listed on your budget should be you. Save first. If you can’t afford to save, you can’t afford some of the other items in your budget. Cut the cable or take the bus, but save your money. Without an emergency fund, your budget is just a empty dream when something unexpected comes up. And something unexpected always comes up.
Automate that payment to yourself. Don’t leave yourself any excuse not to make that payment. Set up an automated transfer to another bank and forget about it. Schedule the transfer to happen on payday, every payday.
Now comes the hard part: Forget about the money. Don’t check your balance. Don’t think about it in any way. Just ignore it. For the first month or two, this will be difficult. After that, you’ll forget it exists for a few months and come back amazed at how much you’ve saved.
If you don’t forget about it, and you decide to dip into the account, you are undoing everything you’ve worked so hard to save. Do yourself a favor and leave the money alone.
Making Extra Money Part 3: Product Selection
When you’re setting up a niche site, you need to monetize it. You need to have a way to make money, or it’s a waste of time.
There are two main ways to do that: AdSense or product promotion. To set up an AdSense site, you write a bunch of articles, post them on a website with some Google ads, and wait for the money to roll in.
I don’t do that.
I don’t own a single AdSense site and have never set one up. This article is not about setting up an Adsense site.
My niches site are all product-promotion sites. I pick a product–generally an e-book or video course–and set up a site dedicated to it.
Naturally, picking a good product is an important part of the equation.
The most important part of product selection is that the product has an affiliate program. Without that, there’s no money to be made. There are a lot of places to find affiliate programs. Here are a few:
- Amazon. If you don’t live in one of the states that Amazon has dropped in retaliation for passing laws that attempt to circumvent the Supreme Court’s ruling on collecting sales tax, you can sign up as an associate and collect a commission on every referral you send that turns into a purchase. That means you have a lot of product to choose from. Unfortunately, your commission is small, so you need to promote fairly expensive products to get a decent return. On the other hand, people trust Amazon, so that’s one less hurdle to making a sale.
- Commission Junction. These are the people managing affiliate programs for a large number of credit cards and banks. If you’ve opened an account with INGDirect through one of my links, I got a commission for the referral. (Thank you!) They have a lot of other products, too.
- e-Junkie. This one is a popular distribution system for bloggers. It’s likely that, if you’ve bought an ebook from a blogger, e-Junkie handled the fulfillment process. A lot of the products available there have an affiliate program, but that is up to the owner of the product.
- ClickBank. My favorite. This is one of the largest affiliate networks specializing in electronic products, whether that’s membership sites, ebooks, or video courses. Commissions are good, often 50-75%. They also offer a 60 day guarantee of every product sold through their site, which helps soothe the wary customer. This is the site I’ll be using for this series.
The first thing you need to do is sign up for whichever program you intend to use.
If you’re not going with Clickbank, feel free to skip ahead to the section on keyword research.
Once you are signed up and logged in, click on the “Marketplace” link at the top of the screen.
From here, it’s just a matter of finding a good product to sell. Here are the niches we’re going to be looking for:
- Back pain
- Bankruptcy
- Conflict resolution at work
- Detox diets
- Fat kids
- Foreclosure avoidance
- Job hunting
- Weddings
- Writing sales copy
I’m going to look for one or two good products in each niche. When that’s done we’ll narrow it down by consumer demand.
For now, go to advanced search.
Enter your keyword, pick the category and set the advanced search stats. Gravity is the number of affiliates who have made sales in the last month. I don’t like super-high numbers, but I also want to make sure that the item is sellable. Over 10 and under 50 or so seems to be a good balance.
The average sale just ensures that I’ll make a decent amount of money when someone buys the product. I usually aim for $25 or more in commissions per sale. Also, further down, check the affiliate tools box. That means the seller will have some resources for you to use.
This combination will give us 36 products to check out for back pain, unfortunately, none of the results are for back pain products. After unchecking the affiliate tools and setting the gravity to greater than 1, I’ve got 211 results. Sorting by keyword relevance, I see three products, two of which look like something I’d be interested in promoting. One has a 45% commission, the other is 55%. The X-Pain Method has an initial commission of $34 and claims a 5% refund rate. Back Pain, Sciatica, and Bulging Disc Relief pays $16, which will make it a potentially easier sale. I’ll add both to the list for further research.
I’m not going to detail the search for the rest of the niches. That would be repetitive. You can see my selections here:
- Back pain – X-Pain Method; Back Pain, Sciatica, and Bulging Disc Relief
- Bankruptcy – I’m dropping this one from the list. It’s too complicated and deserves an attorney. I don’t know enough about the topic to make sure it is up to date.
- Conflict resolution at work – Management Training: By the Book; Anger Management for the 21st Century
- Detox diets – Master Cleanse Secrets: 10 Day Diet; Master Cleanse Insider; Eating for Energy: Raw Food Diet for Weight Loss
- Fat kids – I’m dropping this one, too. A kid’s health is too important. I don’t want to sell a dangerous or unethical product.
- Foreclosure avoidance – How to Stop Foreclosure in 7 Days Flat; Foreclosure Defense Secrets
- Job hunting – Guerrilla Resumes; Amazing Cover Letters
- Weddings – All Types of Wedding Speeches; The Master Wedding Planning Guide; Amazing Wedding Planning
- Writing sales copy – Instant Swipe File; Ad Copy Creator Pro; How to Write Killer Copy
Now we’re going to go through a few steps for each of these products.
The Sales Page
We need to make sure the sales page doesn’t suck. If the site doesn’t work, is hard to read or navigate, has a hard-to-find order button, or just doesn’t look professional, it’s getting cut.
- Raw Foods is eliminated. The sales video is horrible and the order link is at the bottom of several screens worth of nothing. It’s a crap site.
- The 7 day foreclosure-avoidance product is out. Site’s down today. I want reliability.
- Management Training By The Book is out. I don’t like typos on the sales page, especially in the page title.
The Email List
If it has an email subscription form, we’ll need to subscribe, then double-check to make sure our affiliate information isn’t getting dropped in the emails. If it is, the seller is effectively stealing commissions. In the interest of time and laziness, I’m going to eliminate anyone pushing for an email subscription. It’s harder–and time-consuming–to monitor that. On of my niche site had a seller completely drop their product. Instead, they pushed for email subscriptions so they could promote other products as an affiliate. Absolutely unethical.
- Wedding speeches is eliminated for throwing a mandatory email entry into the order process. There’s no guarantee they are up to anything shady, but I’m taking the simple route.
Checkout and Credit
Finally, we’re going to visit the checkout page. You need to do this from every links in the newsletter and the links on the sales page, just to make sure you’ll get your money.
The way to tell who’s being credited is to look at the bottom of the order page, under the payment information. It should say [affiliate = xxx] where xxxis your ClickBank ID. Anything else, and the product gets cut from the list.
When you are checking these, don’t click on every possible link at once. That confuses the cookies. Do one at a time. I tried to do it in one batch for this post and lost half of the cookies. If it weren’t for the fact that I already own one of the products and bought it through my own link and got credited, I would have been talking undeserved trash about thieving companies.
Other Factors
Sometimes, when you’re examining a product, it just doesn’t feel right. When that happens, drop it. There are millions of other products you can promote. In this case, I’m dropping the anger management program because, in my experience, angry people don’t think they are the problem. Here’s a life tip: If everyone else is a jerk, the problem probably isn’t everyone else.
- Another important factor is the sales page itself. If it doesn’t make you want to buy the product, why would anyone else?
- Amazing Cover Letters is eliminated because it’s too easy to overlook the buy link. If I have to hunt for it, it’s losing customers.
- Amazing Wedding Planning is getting eliminated because I don’t like the sales page. The buy link is easy to overlook, and it doesn’t compel me to buy.
Now we’re down to 10 products in 6 niches. At this point, we’re comfortable with the sales pages and we know that they are crediting commissions. As it stands right now, all of the products are worth promoting.
- Back pain – X-Pain Method; Back Pain, Sciatica, and Bulging Disc Relief
- Detox diets – Master Cleanse Secrets: 10 Day Diet; Master Cleanse Insider
- Foreclosure avoidance – Foreclosure Defense Secrets
- Job hunting – Guerrilla Resumes
- Weddings – The Master Wedding Planning Guide;
- Writing sales copy – Instant Swipe File; Ad Copy Creator Pro; How to Write Killer Copy
We’ll make the final determination after doing some heavy keyword research in the next installment. That’s where we’ll find out how hard it is to compete.
Any questions?
