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The no-pants guide to spending, saving, and thriving in the real world.

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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.
Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?
Me: Yes?
FMe: <Slap!>
Me: May I ask what that was for?
FMe: Of course.
Me: What was that for, jerk?
FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.
Me: What?!?  I’ve never even met you, before.
FMe: Of course you have.  I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.
Me: Huh?
FMe: Listen close.  You’re not  the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.
Me: ???
FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.
Me: I don’t appreciate….
FMe: Shut up.  I was dumb then, too.  Remember?  You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year.  On top of many other expensive decisions.  Do your recall?
Me: Yes, I do.  So what?
FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car.  Your kids wear new clothes.  You’ve got a house full of new furniture.  How did you pay for all of that?
Me: Naturally, I charged it.  Zero payments, zero interest for a year!  Pretty smart, huh?
FMe: What happens in a year?
Me: I don’t know.  I’ve got a full year to figure that out.
FMe: <Slap!>  I’ll tell you what happens!  Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed!   Your raise didn’t come through.  You had a baby. The truck broke down.  Your wife took maternity leave.  A roommate moved out.  You took a loss in the stock market.  You didn’t plan!  You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.
Me: How was I to know?
FMe: <Slap!>  Life happens!  You never know what is coming next.  You need to plan and save for what might happen.  Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly.  That is not acceptable.
Me:  So?  What are you going to do about it?
FMe: <Slap!>
Me: Really?  Again?
FMe: <Slap!>  I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help.  Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux.  My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford.   You’ve screwed me, dude.
Me: I’m sorry.  What can I do to fix it?
FMe: Buy me dinner, first.
Me: Huh?!?!?
FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change.  No credit.
Me: None?
FMe: None.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Only spend what you can afford. Budget.  Pay off those nasty bills.  Don’t leave me hanging.
Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?
FMe: Exactly.  That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence.  Live in the real world.
Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me!  Now I know.
FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

 

Building 5 Bad Habits

Finance

Meth powder hexagon
Meth powder hexagon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Good habits are boring. I mean, yes, they will help you succeed and provide some security, but so what? Bad habits are fun. Except meth. Meth is a bad habit that is decidedly not fun. Don’t do meth.  Seriously.

There are so many entertaining bad habits that I couldn’t possibly cover them all. I’m going to stick to the bad financial habits that will make your life more exciting.

  1. Break your budget. A budget constrains you, keeps you from buying the things you want and traveling to distant, exotic places when you know you can’t afford the trip.   The best way to build this habit is to not only avoid tracking your expenses, but also avoid tracking what you actually spend.  If you don’t know what you owe or what you’ve spent, the end of every month is an adventure!
  2. Impulse shopping. For the next week, I want you to go to your favorite store every day.  Buy the first thing you see that makes you want to hum.  Every day.  Don’t worry about being able to afford it.  That’s what credit is for, right?  Bonus points for buying it on the “no interest for a year, then we screw you” plan.   I’m sure you’ll be making more money by the time the bill is due.   You could get lucky and have a rich relative die and leave you a fortune.   That’s like winning the lottery twice, because you won’t have to buy him Christmas cards anymore.
  3. Meals on the go. Cooking is a drag.  Besides, who wants to slap a slice of meat and cheese on a couple slices of bread, when you can get a drive-through case of the Aztec two-step for $5.    Did you know that the big yellow ‘M’ stands for “Montezuma?”   On your way to practice impulse shopping, pick up some lunch.   For your money, you’ll get less convenience, more additives, and the opportunity to gamble on the lunch employees caring as much about cleanliness as you do.  It’s a win for everyone!
  4. Ego shopping. Actual accomplishments and improvement are hard.  It’s much better to wrap up your sense of self-worth in the smartest phone, the shiniest car, or the Gucciest purse.   Allowing Mastercard to finance your self-esteem guarantees that your next smile is just a shopping trip away.   Who needs the hassle of dealing with things that matter?   After your impulse purchase, buy something fancy!  Show your friends that you are not only a more discerning consumer, but also that you are better than they are. Watch them turn green with envy.  When they shrug and tell your that their phone has the one feature they need–the ability to ring when called–know that it is envy speaking.
  5. Expensive Vacations. You need to relax.   I know how hard it is lugging that iBlackPhoneP(a/o)doid in and out of the designer sportscar with all-leather cow interior and big, brown baby seal-eyes for headlights.   It’s work.    Back and forth buying crap you don’t need to fuel your ego, dodging vicious calls from creditors and having to Dine-N-Dash every time a friend invites you out for dinner makes a dude tired. Take a week in Europe to calm your thoughts.   You deserve it, even if you don’t actually have the money for it.   Isn’t Great-Uncle Horace sick?

What are your favorite bad habits?

Update:  This post has been included in the Carnival of Personal Finance.

Let’s Talk Pets and Other Unexpected Expenses

Finance

The following is a guest post by Crystal at Budgeting in the Fun Stuff. Her blog covers living expenses, saving for your future, and the fun stuff in between.  (Ed.  Thanks, Crystal!)

I’ve been complaining on and off about the cost of my poor Pug’s allergies, so I thought I’d do a little post to let all of us vent a little about unexpected expenses. 🙂

Here’s how much Mr. Pug has cost in vet bills and medicine alone since he developed major allergies to meat proteins and dairy in February 2010:

  • February 4, 2010 – Mr. Pug licked off some hair, so we visited the crappy vet I will never go to again – $185.29
  • May 11, 2010 – Mr. Pug stopped eating and his eyes looked cloudy, first visit to new vet for dry eye – $177.78
  • May 12, 2010 – Dermatology Exam, Skin Scraping, Ear Check, and 6 medicines – $254.00
  • May 18, 2010 – Check-Up on dry eye – $53.34
  • June 2, 2010 – Check-Up on Ear Infections, Skin Infection, and medicine refills – $134.00
  • July 8, 2010 – Check-Up on Skin Infection, 2 new medicines, and 2 refills – $146.80
  • July 8, 2010 – Antibiotics – $60.60

AND we’re scheduled for another $105 check-up this coming week for his hopefully healed ear infection. So, between February 4 and this coming week, we will have paid at least $1116.81 for vet visits and medicines alone. That doesn’t even take into account the $45 bags of vegan dog food that only lasts about 6 weeks or the $500 we spent last year on 5 tooth extractions. 🙁

Thankfully we didn’t get pets until we had excess cash flow, but DANG! He’s an expensive little boy! I love him and we’d pay it again, but I wouldn’t suggest pure breeds for anybody not willing to lay out major dough for something as “simple” as allergies. We would totally let our dogs go if they needed chemotherapy or something (yes, I have my lines), but allergies…well, how do you turn down treatment that can make a pet 99% better? I’m a sucker for his big Pug eyes…I mean, look at him:

Have you had any unexpected expenses pop up? If so, what have they been and how are you dealing with it?

Megan Fox’s Little One: The First Year Costs of Having a Baby

Celebrities, Gossip

Megan Fox @ Jennifer's Body screening
Megan Fox @ Jennifer’s Body screening (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you can’t get enough of Megan Fox like everybody else, you probably already know that paparazzi has spotted her with a new and conspicuous belly bump. The steamy star already gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Noah in 2012, but she also expressed a desire to have more children in the future. We just didn’t think that it would happen this soon. Luckily, Megan is blessed with celebrity wealth, so funding another newborn shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Unfortunately, most new mothers aren’t celebs. If you are a new or expecting mother, prepare yourself for your bundle of joy by familiarizing yourself with first year expenses and ways to save money.

What are the first year costs of caring for a baby?

Babies are expensive. How expensive, you ask? Well, that depends on your standard of living. It’s a pretty good bet that Megan Fox will dish out more dough on her newborn than most people have the ability to. Baby Gucci just isn’t on the shopping list for mothers who live from paycheck to paycheck. However, the essentials are already expensive enough to make most moms have a panic attack. A 2010 USDA report suggests that a typical American family spends about $12,000 during the first year on a baby. These days, that number is probably closer to $15,000.

What will most of the money go towards?

There are two major items that are an absolute must for a baby: formula/baby food and diapers. Expect to shell out about $50 per week on these things alone. That’s nearly $2,500 per year. Another big portion of your baby expenses will comprise of pricier one-time purchases including a baby stroller, crib, car seat, etc. The rest of the funds will likely go to baby clothes, childcare, and medical expenses.

How can I save money?

There are countless ways to cut the costs of having a baby, but you need to get creative to maximize your savings. If you want to have a fatter wallet at the end of that first year, here are some of the easiest and most effective ways to do so.

Take free samples during the initial hospital stay

Many baby product manufacturers supply maternity wards with free samples, but nurses sometimes forget to hand them out. Remember to ask about these samples after giving birth, and bring home as much as they will allow. You can snag useful items like: diapers, diaper bags, baby lotion, swaddling cloths, disposable bottle nipples, alcohol swabs, a thermometer, a nasal aspirator and more.

Breastfeed

A mother’s milk is the healthiest food option for a growing baby because it contains nutrients not found in many baby formulas. Since formula can be very expensive, you will save a ton of money and give your child the best nutrition possible by breastfeeding.

Get oversized baby clothes or use hand-me-downs

Babies grow at an amazingly fast rate, so always buy clothes of a bigger size. If you have close friends or family members who’ve already had a child, ask if you can use their old baby clothes.

Buy diapers, formula, and other commonly used supplies in bulk

Like with most consumer goods, you will pay less if you buy more. Stock up on the essentials early on if you don’t want to waste your money in the long run.

 

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10 Tips to Help Parents Stay Out of Debt

Finance, Parenting

Cobbler shaker (right), jigger, and a bar spoon.
Image via Wikipedia

People say that when you have a baby, your world gets flipped upside down.    That’s not true.  Your world gets dropped in a martini shaker and left to the whims of a sadistic bartender with a shaking fetish.  Everything changes.    That sounds like an exaggeration and nobody believes it until it happens, but it’s true.

When you find out you are about to reproduce, you will experience a phenomenon called “nesting”.   Nesting is the idea that, if you take your credit cards and beat them against the curb until they bleed and VISA calls you asking for mercy, you will be transformed into the best parent ever, regardless of what you may actually screw up.   It’s the way parents calm their fears by spending money, often on things that aren’t needed.

Q.  How do you avoid becoming a debt-ridden, worried mess of an over-protective, over-extended new parent?

A. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

I can’t help with the rest, but here’s 10 ways you can avoid the debt problems.

  1. Have a budget.   I may have said this before.   It’s possible this counts as a recurring theme here.  If you don’t have a budget, you aren’t in control of your money.  If you aren’t in control, then how do you know where it has gone or where it is supposed to go?
  2. Budget for baby crap.    This will be a recurring expense for years, so get used to it.   A friend of mine is on the cusp of having everyone out of diapers for the first time since 1993.   Do you think they plan that expense?  Diapers.com has $10 off and free shipping on orders over $49.  Use code “ LiveReal” during checkout.
  3. Double the number you have in #2.  Seriously.  It will cost you more than you think, but it doesn’t have to cost you as much as you fear.  It’s far better to have too much budgeted and find yourself with extra money than it is to budget too little and be forced to make up the difference at the feet of Master Card.
  4. Only take the advice of people you know and trust. Every random jerkface on the street has (usually) well-intentioned advice for new and expecting parents.   Ignore them all.  If they aren’t your doctor, your mother(assuming she did her job right), or friends with children, they are clueless and their advice should be immediately round-filed.   Ditto for parenting magazines.   The writers don’t know better than you do.   Read the magazines for six months and watch for conflicting advice, not only in the same magazine, but often from the same writer!   Don’t add the stress of bad advice from strangers to what is already a stressful time.
  5. Don’t get every gadget designed to cushion the baby. A wipe warmer is a waste of money.   Do you want your baby to be scared of a little chill forever?  Cold wipes build character.    If that isn’t good enough, hold the wipe in your hand for a few seconds before using it.   There are a million other gadgets to keep your little one from ever feeling a moment of discomfort.   Don’t waste your cash.  It may only be 10 pounds, but it’s tougher than you think.
  6. Don’t get every gadget designed to cushion the parent. They make ergonomic bottles, braces to hold your arms in the right position to feed, fancy cloths to catch baby vomit.   Tough it up. Support your baby yourself.  Build some muscle and some character.   Use cloth diapers to catch various treasures your little brat will spit up on you.   Spending more doesn’t always make it better.  The ergonomic bottles that make it easier to feed a baby, make it harder for the baby to hold the bottle.   This is actually making your life more difficult.
  7. Focus on the necessities. Yes, the fancy formula with the pre-digested proteins has a nicer label.   It doesn’t make a difference.    The generic brand at the warehouse store usually has the exact same ingredients in the exact same ratios as the brand name at the baby store–for half the price.   There is nothing special about the blankets in the baby section–except the price.    The fancy bottle warmer doesn’t do anything that a cup of warm water on the counter won’t handle.   You need:  A crib, unless you are doing a family bed; a easy-to-clean mat to change diapers(on the floor works!); and a diaper bag(back-to-school backpacks are more ergonomic and easy to organize than anything in the baby store!).  Everything else is a luxury.
  8. Time counts more than stuff. No matter what else you hear, no matter how old your child gets, time with you counts more than anything else you could do or buy.   Be there for your kids and the rest is gravy.
  9. Brand-name and designer labels are not status symbols. The opinions of the other soccer mommies do not matter.   The opinions of the random jerkfaces on the street do not matter.   Designer labels do not make you a better parent and are not an indicator of a happy baby.
  10. Always remember:  Babies bounce and have short memories. While I don’t recommend bouncing your baby on the floor, they are surprisingly resilient.   They don’t hold grudges, either.   There is room to make mistakes without screwing up your kid.

For a hundred thousand years, people raised babies with nothing more than a scrap of hide to alternately chew on or wipe with.  You can probably get buy with just a bit more.   Relax and enjoy the process of raising your kids.   Money doesn’t matter nearly as much as your presence.

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