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Let me check….

A few days ago, I asked a coworker if she wanted to go out for lunch.  She said she’d have to check her bank account before she decided.

What?

If you have to check your bank balance to know if you can afford something, you can’t afford it.   It really is that simple.

Now, strict budgets aren’t for everyone, but everyone should know how much money they have available to spend.   If you don’t know what you have to spare, you need to set up a budget.

Period.

After you’ve done that, you can ignore it, with the exception of knowing how much you have available to blow on groceries, entertainment, and other discretionary purchases.

If you don’t know where your money needs to go, how can you determine how much you can spend on the things you want?

Multiracial Skinhead Love Triangle

English: A goat
English: A goat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Honey, here on national television, in front of a live studio audience, I’ve got a secret I’d like to share.   You’re not our child’s mother.  I’ve been sleeping with the milkman.  And the goat.  Your mom is the star of my new adult website.  With the goat.  And the milkman.  I’ve got three other families, in three other cities.  I lost the house to my gambling addiction.   Those sores?  Herpesyphiligonoritis.  I got it from the foreign exchange student we hosted before I moved her to Dubuque and married her.  The goat gave her away.  The milkman cried.   Oh, and I wore your panties to the Illinois Nazi reunion.   I know how much you hate Illinois Nazis.  But I still love you.  And your sister.  Especially your sister.  She does that thing with her tongue….”

Why would anyone go on national television to share things like that?

More interesting: why would anybody stay on stage after hearing that?

Stay tuned.

I have this friend.  He bought a couple of cars.  He’s got some issues with money, partially revolving around a need to keep his assets below a certain threshold.   So he put the cars in his girlfriend’s name.  I know, it’s slightly crooked, but that makes the story more fun.

They broke up.

Recently, she called him to say she was suing him for the cars.  She wanted them.  She wanted to hurt him.  She was mean.   Somehow that turned into them agreeing to settle the case on Judge Joe Brown, on national television.

My friend spoke with the show’s producer, then last week, he was flown to California and put up in a hotel for a couple of days.   When he arrived at the TV studio, he was informed that it wasn’t Judge Joe Brown, but a new show that will start airing in the fall called, The Test.   According to CBS, The Test “is a one-hour conflict resolution talk show that will use lie detector and DNA tests to settle relationship and paternity disputes among the guests.”   Coincidentally, CBS also owns Judge Joe Brown.

My friend got on stage with Dr. Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, and was accused of cheating on his girlfriend and stealing her identity.   Lie detectors.  Yelling.  Accusations.

Why did he stay?

He wasn’t given his return plane ticket until they were done filming.

When he was done, they handed him a voucher for cab fare and the itinerary for his return flight.  Until then, he had no other way to get home.

That’s why people stay on stage.  It’s probably also why none of those shows ever have people with money of their own; they can find their own way home in a pinch.

Interesting side note:  The show paid $200  and booked the cheapest possible return flight, with a 6 hour layover.

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The Secret to Fearless Change

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it’s just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn

Five Signs You Don’t Need That

Everybody occasionally buys things they don’t need, from DVDs to luxury cars.   There are signs that what you’re buy may not be an actual necessity.

Here are five signs you should put that back:

  1. You’re buying that sweater or video game for the endorphin hit, you’re shopping for the addictive high not to fill an actual need.  It’s a habit that’s as hard to break as smoking, if not harder.  You can’t, after all, stop shopping altogether.
  2. You already have one.  Or 10.   A relative can’t turn down a sale and she buys for life.   She regularly buys 3 of whatever useful gadget is available on the shopping channel.    Her house has turned into a sad story of compulsive hoarding.
  3. The rationalizations for your purchase include “It’s cool”  or “My friends all have one.”  If you are buying something just for the bragging rights, it has become an ego purchase, which is something to avoid.   The insidious part of an ego purchase is that you have to keep topping your last purchase and the last purchase of your social circle, or the purchases lose value.  It’s a vicious circle.
  4. It doesn’t have a “place”.  Where are you going to put it?  Is it going to go in the corner, or is there a drawer or shelf it can live on.  If there’s no play to consider “away”, you’re just buying clutter.  If you must have it, go home and toss, sell, or donate 2 things to make room. If possible, do that before you actually by the new toy.   If it’s important, you’ll come back for it.
  5. You didn’t know you needed it 10 minutes ago.  If you actually need it, it’s on your list, right?  Impulse purchases have been the biggest budget-killer in my house.  That’s why we use Alice for the household goods.  If we don’t see the it, we can’t throw it in the cart at the last minute.    We no longer shop with the debit card, so we have to watch what we buy.  It’s embarrassing to have to undo a purchase at the checkout because I didn’t bring enough cash.

What did I miss?

Magical Thinking

dark alley 8698
Image by korafotomorgana via Flickr

A few weeks ago, on my way to work, while merging onto the highway, a soccer mommy in an SUV decided that she was going to accelerate to fill the opening I was going to use.  Not before I got there, which would have left her in the right, if still a jerk, but as I was moving into the lane.

The entire reasoning was that she could be rude and dangerous under the assumption that I would be more civilized and back down, allowing her to indulge her little fantasy about how the world works.  Luckily I saw her speed up, and had time to move out of the way.  Physics very nearly taught her an expensive lesson.

This is similar to the people who think they’ll be safe because “nothing has happened before” or think “He won’t hurt me because I;m a good person” when confronted with a mugger.

This is magical thinking. Basing assumptions of other people’s actions on nothing more than your personal hopes and biases.  The truth is,  your halo does not provide a shield.  Your luck at dodging criminals while strolling through bad neighborhoods does not circumvent statistical likelihood and your jerkface attempt to run me into a  guard rail had better be backed by the stones to deal with a wreck.

Magical thinking, wishful thinking, and baseless hope are not rational methods of running your life.  Criminals hunt for victims who wrap themselves in a smug, yet naïve, superiority.  Murphy’s Law is waiting for someone arrogant enough to think that the laws of physics don’t apply when you’re commuting.  The only rational means of predicting the behavior of others is to look at the signals they are actually producing.

Someone tentatively trying to squeeze into an opening in traffic is far more likely to submit to your passive aggression than the guy who merges with a  turn signal and the gas pedal.

Someone in the park after hours in a hoody is more likely to hurt you than the guy in running shorts.

The guy lurking in the shadows of the parking ramp, refusing to make eye contact is a more likely mugger than the suit trying to find his Lexus.

A million years of evolution have given us an incredible ability to detect danger.  A few hundred years of relative peace at the end of a few thousand years of relative civilization have not erased that ability, it has just convinced us to ignore our instincts under the mistaken assumption that all predators live in the jungle.

Fear has survival value.  Don’t allow your rational brain to override your lizard brain completely.  Let your fear keep you safe.

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