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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.

Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?

Me: Yes?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: May I ask what that was for?

FMe: Of course.

Me: What was that for, jerk?

FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.

Me: What?!? I’ve never even met you, before.

FMe: Of course you have. I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.

Me: Huh?

FMe: Listen close. You’re not the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.

Me: ???

FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.

Me: I don’t appreciate….

FMe: Shut up. I was dumb then, too. Remember? You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year. On top of many other expensive decisions. Do your recall?

Me: Yes, I do. So what?

FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car. Your kids wear new clothes. You’ve got a house full of new furniture. How did you pay for all of that?

Me: Naturally, I charged it. Zero payments, zero interest for a year! Pretty smart, huh?

FMe: What happens in a year?

Me: I don’t know. I’ve got a full year to figure that out.

FMe: <Slap!> I’ll tell you what happens! Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed! Your raise didn’t come through. You had a baby. The truck broke down. Your wife took maternity leave. A roommate moved out. You took a loss in the stock market. You didn’t plan! You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.

Me: How was I to know?

FMe: <Slap!> Life happens! You never know what is coming next. You need to plan and save for what might happen. Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly. That is not acceptable.

Me: So? What are you going to do about it?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: Really? Again?

FMe: <Slap!> I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help. Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux. My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford. You’ve screwed me, dude.

Me: I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?

FMe: Buy me dinner, first.

Me: Huh?!?!?

FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change. No credit.

Me: None?

FMe: None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Only spend what you can afford. Budget. Pay off those nasty bills. Don’t leave me hanging.

Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?

FMe: Exactly. That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence. Live in the real world.

Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me! Now I know.

FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

Money Problems: 30 Days to Perfect Finances

Welcome to the series, Money Problems: 30 Days to Perfect Finances. The series consists of 30 things you can do, each in one setting, to perfect your finances. It’s not a system to magically make your debt disappear. Instead, it is a path to understanding where you are, where you want to be, and–most importantly–how to bridge the gap.

Day 1: Setting Goals

To start with, we look at 3 questions:

What is your financial goal?
Why?
How can you get there?

Day 2: What’s Going Out?

On day 2, you’re going to find out what you are spending. For most people, this will be a bit of a surprise.

Day 3: What’s Coming In?

For day 3, you’re going to examine exactly how much money you bring in each month and think about how you can make more.

Day 4: Making A Budget

On day 4, you’ll build a basic budget. This doesn’t have to be intimidating.

Day 5: Boosting Your Income

This is the day we really dig into ways to make more money, whether that means getting a raise or finding work on the side. Nothing beats more income for balancing your budget and getting out of debt.

Day 6: Reducing Expenses

Second only to more income, reducing expenses is the best way to save money.

Day 7: Paying Off Debt

If you’ve got debt, you are in interest-slavery. Make that go away!

Day 8: Insurance

On day 8, you’re going to look at the insurance you have and the insurance you need.

Day 9: Health Insurance

On day 9, you’ll spend some time learning about your health insurance options and how to examine what you’ve already got.

Day 10: Debt Insurance

Debt insurance is insurance you pay for that will pay your lender in the event of your death, dismemberment, disfigurement, disembowelment, or unemployment.

The rest is yet to come. Check back often!

Your Budget is Worthless

Finance

When you realize that you’ve buried yourself in debt and decide to get out from under that terrible burden, the first thing you’ve got to do is build a budget because, without that, you’ve got no way to know how much money you have or need. After you’ve got a budget, you’ll start spending according to whatever it says. Hopefully, you’ll stay on budget, but what happens when an emergency does come up? What do you do when your car dies? When you suddenly find out your kids needs vision therapy? How do you manage when your job suddenly gets shipped off to East De Moines?

Your budget isn’t going to help you meet those expenses. Most people don’t have enough money in their bank account to make it all the way to the next payday, let alone enough to keep the lights on and food on the table. How can you possibly hope to deal with even the little things that come up?

You whip out your emergency fund.

The problem with a budget is that it does a poor job of accounting for the unexpected. That’s where an emergency fund comes in. An emergency fund is money that you have set aside in an available-but-not-too-accessible account. Its sole purpose is to give you a line of defense when life rears up and kicks you in the butt. Without an emergency fund, everything that comes unexpectedly is automatically an emergency. With an emergency fund, the things that come up are merely minor setbacks. Without an emergency fund, your budget is nothing but a good intention waiting to get shattered by the next thing that comes along. With an emergency fund, you are managing money. Without it, it’s managing you.

How much money do you need in an emergency fund?

Every “expert” has their own opinion on this. Dave Ramsey recommends $1000 to start. Suze Orman says 8 months. The average time spent looking for work after losing your job is 24.5 weeks(roughly 6 months), so I recommend 7 months of expenses. That’s enough to carry you through an average bout of unemployment and a little more, but that’s not a goal for your first steps toward financial perfection. To start with, get $1000 in a savings account. That’s enough to manage most run-of-the-mill emergencies, without unduly delaying the rest of your debt repayment and savings goals.

How do you build an emergency fund?

Let’s not kid ourselves, $1000 is a lot of money when can barely make it from one check to the next. Unfortunately, this vital first step can’t get ignored. If you really work at it, you should be able to come up with $1000 in a month or so. Here are some ideas on how to manage that:

Cut. Drop every possible expense. If you drop cable, your cell phone, Netflix, and a weekly dinner out, you will already be saving $400 that month. You’d be almost halfway there.
Sell. How much stuff do you have that you don’t need, want, or use? I’d be willing to be there’s more than you realize. Last spring, I had a garage sale that brought in about $1300. Everything we sold was just crap we don’t use any more. We sold candles and candle-holders, DVDs, books, clothes, toys, electronics, games, and anything else we could find. I spent a month going through every room in my house to find my inventory. Craigslist is a good way to sell just one or two things at a time.
Work. Have you thought about delivering pizza or working weekends in a gas station? If you have some technical or writing ability, you could pick up some part time work on oDesk or eLance. Your opportunities are only limited by what you are willing to do.

Stop at a grand?

Dave Ramsey’s advice is to get your fund up to $1000 and then leave it alone until your debt is paid off. Screw that. I’ve got money going into my fund every month. It’s only $25 per month, but over the last two years, it has almost doubled my fund. Don’t dedicate so much money that you can’t meet your other goals, but don’t be afraid to keep some money flowing in .

Using the fund?

When can you pull the money out? That is entirely up to you. I have ju st two points to make about withdrawing from your emergency fund:

Don’t keep the money in an easy-to-access account. If your fund is in the savings account that serves as your overdraft protection account, it’s too easy to spend it, and it will go away. I keep it in my INGDirect account. I don’t use the checking account for anything in person, so I don’t carry the card. If I want to spend that money, it will take 2-3 days to transfer into my main bank account.
Never decide to spend the money on the spur of the moment. There are very few major financial decisions that can’t wait until morning to be answered. Sleep on it. If it’s still necessary tomorrow, you can spend it without guilt.

An emergency fund makes your life easier and your budget possible when the unexpectable happens. Don’t forget to fund yours.

How much money do you keep in your emergency fund? What would it take to get you to spend it?

Dealing With the Police 101

Life

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 01: Shackles for slav... — (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

Last night, a friend called me up and asked me to accompany him to the police station. The police had knocked on his door, waking up his girlfriend while he was out. When he called, they wouldn’t tell him why they wanted to talk to him. Was it an ex trying to make his life difficult or one of his employees getting investigated?

This friend has had a number of interactions with the police, but never learned how to deal with them. Before we left, I gave him a crash course in “stay out of jail”.

Lesson 1: The Police Are Not Your Friends.

During an investigation, you are a suspect. They are looking for a conviction. There may be a “good cop” trying to “help you out”, but he is trying to put you in jail. “Protect and Serve” doesn’t mean you. In general, it means society as a whole. During an investigation, they are serving the interests of the prosecutor.

Generally, they are going to look at you–as the target of their investigation–as the enemy. This is normal. They spend all of their time dealing with scumbags and s***heads. Naturally, they start to assume that everyone who isn’t a cop will fall into one of those categories.

Don’t get pissed when they act rude, ignore you, or anything else. It isn’t a lack of professionalism, it’s just a different profession. They are using interrogation techniques that have been proven successful. Ignore it and focus on Lesson 2.

It will feel wrong to disobey the authority you’ve been taught your entire life to obey. You’re not. You are standing by your rights. Nobody cares about your future more than you do. Certainly not the guy investigating you.

Lesson 2: Your Lawyer is Your Friend.

The second a police interaction starts to look like they are investigating you, demand your lawyer, then see Lesson 4. When you demand an attorney, they stop asking you questions. You can take it back and start talking, so again, see Lesson 4. It’s your attorney’s job to talk to the police and, if necessary, the media. It’s your job to talk to your attorney.

You don’t need an attorney ahead of time. Criminal defense attorneys are used to getting calls at 3AM. It’s part of their job. If you have a low enough income as defined by whatever jurisdiction you are being investigated in, you can get a public defender. That’s better than nothing, but I’d prefer to hire a professional shark, even if it means mortgaging my future. Prison is a big gamble.

Lesson 3. Consent is Your Enemy.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

“Officer, I do not consent to any search and I would like to speak to my attorney.” Remember this. Memorize it.

They need probable cause, a warrant, or permission to search your stuff. Never agree to it. Don’t stop them if they search anyway, but never, ever agree to a search. If the search is done improperly, your lawyer(see Lesson 2) will get the results of that searched thrown out.

It isn’t possible to get into more trouble for standing by your rights. There is no crime on the books anywhere in the US called “Refused Consent to Search”. Your day will not go worse because you defended your Constitutional rights.

Lesson 4. Shut Up.

I know a few defense attorneys. According to them, most of the people in jail either committed a crime in front of a bunch of witnesses, or they talked their way into jail. Shut up. You’ll want to either justify or defend yourself depending on the circumstances. Don’t. Shut up. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but keep your mouth closed. The only thing worse than talking is lying. Don’t lie, just keep quiet.

There is nothing you are going to say that will make your interrogator invite you home for Christmas. He isn’t your friend, you won’t meet his parents, you aren’t going to his birthday party. There is absolutely no win in talking to him. Shut up. The answer to every question is “Lawyer.” If the only thing you ~~say~~ babble is “Lawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyer”, you’re probably not going to do too badly.

In your car, the dynamic changes a bit, but the principles don’t. When a cop pulls you over, don’t argue. You can’t win an argument with a cop on the side of the road. Be nice, be polite, and as soon as possible, pull into a parking lot and take as many notes about the encounter as you can. If you are planning to fight whatever he pulled you over for, don’t give him any reason to remember you or spin his official report to make you look bad. Again, shut up. Catching a theme?

Gambling With Your Future

If you are being investigated by the police, your future–or some part of it–is on the line. While you are gambling with your criminal record and your freedom, don’t forget that you are an amateur in this arena. The police, the prosecutor, and your attorney are the professionals and the stakes can be huge. Keep your mouth shut, call your attorney, and thank me later.

Money Problems – Day 4: Making a Budget

Finance

Fiscal Year 2010 Budget Briefing (200905070001HQ) — Image by nasa hq photo via Flickr

Today, I continuing the series, Money Problems: 30 Days to Perfect Finances. The series will consist of 30 things you can do in one setting to perfect your finances. It’s not a system to magically make your debt disappear. Instead, it is a path to understanding where you are, where you want to be, and–most importantly–how to bridge the gap.

I’m not running the series in 30 consecutive days. That’s not my schedule. Also, I think that talking about the same thing for 30 days straight will bore both of us. Instead, it will run roughly once a week. To make sure you don’t miss a post, please take a moment to subscribe, either by email or rss.

This is day 4 and today, you are going to make a budget.

Now that you’ve got your list of expenses and you’ve figured out your income, it’s time to put them together and do the dreaded deed. Your going to make a budget today. Don’t be scared. I’ll hold your hand.

Here are the tools you need:

Your list of expenses from Day Two.
Your list of income from Day Three.
A spreadsheet. I recommend the spreadsheet included in Google Docs, but Excel or the Open Office alternative, CALC, are acceptable substitutes.

Setting up the spreadsheet is dead simple.

Create a column for the label, telling you what each line item is. Create a column to hold the monthly payment amount. At the bottom of column 2, create a formula that totals your expenses. If you are including a bill that isn’t due monthly, use a formula similar to the day 3 income formula to figure out what you need to set aside each month. To figure a quarterly bill, multiply the amount by 4, then divide by 12. To figure a weekly bill, multiply by 52 and divide by 12.

Scoot over a few columns and do the same thing for your income.

Scoot over a couple more columns and set up a total. This is easy. It’s just a matter of subtracting your expenses from you income. Hopefully, this gives you a positive number.

To make this even easier, I’ve shared a blank budget spreadsheet. No excuses. If that simple spreadsheet doesn’t meet your needs, I’ve got a much more detailed version that includes categories. I use the detailed version.

Making a budget may be the most intimidating financial step you take, but everything else is built on the assumption that you understand where you money came from and where it is going. Without,it, your navigating a major maze based on a coin flip instead of a map.

5 Steps to Save

Finance

: Image by BitHead via Flickr

“Saving is too hard.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“How much should I save?”

“Who the heck are you to tell me what to do with my money?”

“Shut up, Jason.”

These are the things I hear when I start talking about getting a good strategy in place to save some money. Financial matters are intimidating to a lot of people. They’d rather not think about their money any more than they absolutely need to, if that much. Here, I’m breaking it down to some simple steps to make saving easy.

1. Get motivated. Why do you want to save some money? Are you trying to make a secure future, or do you just want to buy a new toy? These are the kind of questions you have to ask yourself. Nobody else can tell you why you want to make changes to your lifestyle, and nobody else’s reasons matter in the least. Saving money is something you have to do for you.

2. Figure out how much you can save. Generally, you’re going to need a budget so you can figure out what you can afford to save, but not always. If you are making ends meet, then you get a raise, you can obviously afford to bank the difference. If you do that, you’ll never even notice the missing money. If you try to save so much your mortgage goes unpaid, you’re plan is doomed to failure.

3. Open an account at a new bank. The biggest problem I used to have when I was trying to save was that it was too easy to get the money. Every time I checked the balance of my checking account, I saw the balance in the savings account. Worse, it took seconds to transfer that money from my savings account to my attached checking account. Every time I wanted to see if I could afford whatever toy I was looking at, I’d see money that wasn’t earmarked for anything in particular. Naturally, that money got spent more often that it was ignored and allowed to grow. Now, I can completely forget about the money.

4. Automate. I’ve automated everything I can. All of my bills are paid automatically, except for one company that insists on quarterly paper invoices. I’ve got $665(neighbor of the beast!) automatically transferred to my INGDirect account, to get divided between my various savings goals, including a fund for my semi-annual property tax payments and a fund to pay for the braces we haven’t actually had to buy yet, but will in a couple of years. The money disappears into a bank I don’t use for my day-to-day expenses and grows completely out of sight. Every once in a while, I look at the account and get surprised by how much has accumulated.

5. Get rich. Once you’ve got the other four steps in place, all you’ve got to do is let it work. Over time, you will build wealth in a way that may surprise you. Your goal at this point is to do nothing new. Every once in a while, you can pull out some money and tuck it into an investment account to get some real growth going for you.

“Thank you.”

“You’re the best.”

“What would I do without you?”

“How can I show you my appreciation? <wink><wink>”

“What the heck are you doing with my wife?”

These are the things I always hope to hear after sharing my strategies to save money.