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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.

Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?

Me: Yes?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: May I ask what that was for?

FMe: Of course.

Me: What was that for, jerk?

FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.

Me: What?!? I’ve never even met you, before.

FMe: Of course you have. I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.

Me: Huh?

FMe: Listen close. You’re not the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.

Me: ???

FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.

Me: I don’t appreciate….

FMe: Shut up. I was dumb then, too. Remember? You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year. On top of many other expensive decisions. Do your recall?

Me: Yes, I do. So what?

FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car. Your kids wear new clothes. You’ve got a house full of new furniture. How did you pay for all of that?

Me: Naturally, I charged it. Zero payments, zero interest for a year! Pretty smart, huh?

FMe: What happens in a year?

Me: I don’t know. I’ve got a full year to figure that out.

FMe: <Slap!> I’ll tell you what happens! Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed! Your raise didn’t come through. You had a baby. The truck broke down. Your wife took maternity leave. A roommate moved out. You took a loss in the stock market. You didn’t plan! You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.

Me: How was I to know?

FMe: <Slap!> Life happens! You never know what is coming next. You need to plan and save for what might happen. Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly. That is not acceptable.

Me: So? What are you going to do about it?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: Really? Again?

FMe: <Slap!> I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help. Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux. My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford. You’ve screwed me, dude.

Me: I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?

FMe: Buy me dinner, first.

Me: Huh?!?!?

FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change. No credit.

Me: None?

FMe: None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Only spend what you can afford. Budget. Pay off those nasty bills. Don’t leave me hanging.

Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?

FMe: Exactly. That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence. Live in the real world.

Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me! Now I know.

FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

Carnival Roundup: Bully Edition

Life, Parenting

My mother-in-law’s house is ready. The walls are painted, the hardwood floors have been sanded and polished, the carpets have been cleaned. Now, we just have to get the lease signed and let the renters in.

A school bus photographed in New York, New Yor... — A school bus photographed in New York, New York. Bus is a 2000-2001 Carpenter Classic 2000 body with an International 3800 chassis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week, we had our first real bullying incident on the school bus. I guess one of the benefits of having a kid who is the biggest in the school is that nobody punches him. My daughter doesn’t have that benefit. She was punched and pushed for being in the wrong seat on the bus a couple of days ago. Thankfully, the school dealt with it quickly. The bus is equipped with video and the little girl copped to it. She’s s off of the bus for a few days and her parents have been informed. Unfortunately, her twin sister seems to be the vengeful type. She came home yesterday lying about how my daughter behaved on the bus and got another little girl to lie about getting hit and bit by my daughter in school yesterday.

How do I know it’s all lies?

First, my daughter didn’t ride the bus yesterday afternoon. She was scared in the morning, so I promised to pick her up from school. Hard to misbehave on the bus when she was cuddling with her mother on the couch. The other little girl–who goes to daycare with the twins just up the street from our daycare provider (who happens to be the grandmother of the twins)–recanted once she was away from the vengeful twin. Her mother filled us in last night. I’m not a fan of a grandmother defending a kid’s lies. No kids are angels, but helping them lie doesn’t make them better people.

Live Real, Now was included in the following carnivals recently:

I’m aware that I’ve been a bit of a slacker about posting these links. My apologies to everyone who deserved a link but didn’t get it in a timely manner.

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Carnival of Money Pros hosted by See Debt Run

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Lifestyle Carnival #31 hosted by Vanessa’s Money

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Money Mail Carnival #4 hosted by The Money Mail

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Yakezie Carnival hosted by My Family Finances

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by Growing Money Smart

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #57 hosted by My University Money

Money Mail Carnival #3 hosted by The Money Mail

Yakezie Carnival hosted by I Heart Budgets

Carnival of Retirement #46 hosted by Making Sense of Cents

Yakezie Carnival hosted by The Ultimate Juggle

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by My Multiple Incomes

Carnival of Financial Planning hosted by Master the Art of Saving

Money Mail Carnival #2 hosted by The Money Mail

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #56 hosted by See Debt Run

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by Finance Product Reviews

Yakezie Carnival hosted by Parenting and Money

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Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #55 hosted by My University Money

Yakezie Carnival hosted by The Ultimate Juggle

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Carnival of Money Pros hosted by Debt Black Hole

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #54 hosted by Cash Net USA

Carnival of Financial Planning hosted by Young Family Finances

Yakezie Carnival hosted by Portfolio Princess

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by Thirty Six Months

Carnival of Retirement #41 hosted by Financial Conflict Coach

Lifestyle Carnival hosted by Master the Art of Savings

Yakezie Carnival hosted by Cult of Money

Lifestyle Carnival hosted by Blue Collar Workman

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by Making Sense of Cents

Carnival of Retirement #41 hosted by The College Investor

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How Much Should You Tip?

Finance

: Image by cemre via Flickr

This post from CNN Money has been making the rounds. I’m getting into the game today.

With the holiday season upon us, tipping the people you work with is a tradition in some cases and actually expected in others. Here’s what CNN came up with and my take:

Housekeeper. We don’t have one. I’d think $75-100 would make a nice tip/Christmas bonus. I seem to be more generous than average with my imaginary maid. Maybe that’s because of the outfits she wears.
Gardener. Once again, we don’t have one. Even if we did, I live in Minnesota and have close to a foot of snow over the patch of weeds I call my garden. If I did have a gardener, I wouldn’t have seen him for a few months by now, anyway. $0!
Mail carrier. I’ve only met my mail man a dozen times and I’ve never considered giving him a Christmas present. Do people really do that?
Barber. I don’t have one any more. My wife has started doing my hair for me. When I did, I tipped about 25%, but again, I wouldn’t think about a Christmas present. I only saw him quarterly. I don’t think my wife has a regular stylist either. She’s just got a shop she goes to and gets whoever is available. Is there holiday tipping protocol for that?
Garbage collector. No way. Really? I don’t know that I’ve seen the same guy twice. Am I supposed to give a present to the anonymous, interchangeable union guy that drives past my house every Friday?
Newspaper carrier. One night, twelve years ago, while my wife was still working graveyard shifts, she had a hard time sleeping on her nights off. That’s natural for 3rd shift workers. At about 4AM, she was watching TV and saw someone run past the window. Scared, she came to wake me up. I handed her the phone to call the police, while I grabbed the only thing I had for self-defense and went to investigate. I ran out on the front step–in my boxers, carrying a sword–and saw someone lurking in the neighbor’s yard across the street. I yelled, “Y0u don’t belong here!” only to hear “I’m delivering the paper!” That’s when I start tipping the newspaper carrier. I stopped when we canceled our subscription a few years later. Who needs a dead tree in the morning, when there are a million news sites on the internet?

If the majority of people are giving Christmas bonuses to that many people, and are as generous as the article suggests, then I fall far to the loutish end of the bell curve. I am planning to give my virtual assistant 1/12 of the pay he’s earned this year, so that should make up for some of it, but that is an ongoing business relationship.

How do you compare when it comes to holiday tipping?

Money Problems – Day 6: Reducing Expenses

Finance

Today, I am continuing the series, Money Problems: 30 Days to Perfect Finances. The series will consist of 30 things you can do in one setting to perfect your finances. It’s not a system to magically make your debt disappear. Instead, it is a path to understanding where you are, where you want to be, and–most importantly–how to bridge the gap.

I’m not running the series in 30 consecutive days. That’s not my schedule. Also, I think that talking about the same thing for 30 days straight will bore both of us. Instead, it will run roughly once a week. To make sure you don’t miss a post, please take a moment to subscribe, either by email or rss.

On this, Day 6, we’re going to talk about cutting your expenses.

Once you free up some income, you’ll get a lot of leeway in how you’re able to spend your money, but also important–possibly more important–is to cut out the crap you just don’t need. Eliminate the expenses that aren’t providing any value in your life. What you need to do is take a look at every individual piece of your budget, every line item, every expense you have and see what you can cut. Some of it, you really don’t need. Do you need a paid subscription to AmishDatingConnect.com?

If you need to keep an expense, you can just try to lower it. For example, cable companies regularly have promotions for new customers that will lower the cost to $19 a month for high-speed internet. Now, if you call up the cable company and ask for the retention department, tell them you are going to switch to a dish. Ask, “What are you willing to do to keep my business?” There is an incredibly good chance that they will offer you the same deal–$20 a month–for the next three or four months. Poof, you save money. You can call every bill you’ve got to ask them how you can save money.

I called my electric company and my gas company to get on their budget plans. This doesn’t actually save me money but it does provide me with a consistent budget all year long, so instead of getting a $300 gas bill in the depths of January’s hellish cold, I pay $60 a month. It is averaged out over the course of the year. It feels like less and it lets me get a stable budget. Other bills are similar. You can call your credit card companies and tell them everything you take your business to another card that gave you an offer of 5% under what ever you are currently paying. It doesn’t even have to be a real offer. Just call them up and say you are going to transfer your balance away unless they can meet or beat the new interest rate. If you’ve been making on-time payments for any length of time–even six months or a year–they’re going to lower the interest rate business, no problem. Start out by asking for at least a 5% drop. In fact, demand no more than 9.9%.

Once you’ve gone through every single one of your bills, you’ll be surprised by how much money you’re no longer paying, whether it’s because somebody lowered the bill for you or you scratched it off the list completely.

Money Problems – Day 4: Making a Budget

Finance

Fiscal Year 2010 Budget Briefing (200905070001HQ) — Image by nasa hq photo via Flickr

Today, I continuing the series, Money Problems: 30 Days to Perfect Finances. The series will consist of 30 things you can do in one setting to perfect your finances. It’s not a system to magically make your debt disappear. Instead, it is a path to understanding where you are, where you want to be, and–most importantly–how to bridge the gap.

This is day 4 and today, you are going to make a budget.

Now that you’ve got your list of expenses and you’ve figured out your income, it’s time to put them together and do the dreaded deed. Your going to make a budget today. Don’t be scared. I’ll hold your hand.

Here are the tools you need:

Your list of expenses from Day Two.
Your list of income from Day Three.
A spreadsheet. I recommend the spreadsheet included in Google Docs, but Excel or the Open Office alternative, CALC, are acceptable substitutes.

Setting up the spreadsheet is dead simple.

Create a column for the label, telling you what each line item is. Create a column to hold the monthly payment amount. At the bottom of column 2, create a formula that totals your expenses. If you are including a bill that isn’t due monthly, use a formula similar to the day 3 income formula to figure out what you need to set aside each month. To figure a quarterly bill, multiply the amount by 4, then divide by 12. To figure a weekly bill, multiply by 52 and divide by 12.

Scoot over a few columns and do the same thing for your income.

Scoot over a couple more columns and set up a total. This is easy. It’s just a matter of subtracting your expenses from you income. Hopefully, this gives you a positive number.

To make this even easier, I’ve shared a blank budget spreadsheet. No excuses. If that simple spreadsheet doesn’t meet your needs, I’ve got a much more detailed version that includes categories. I use the detailed version.

Making a budget may be the most intimidating financial step you take, but everything else is built on the assumption that you understand where you money came from and where it is going. Without,it, your navigating a major maze based on a coin flip instead of a map.

Money-Saving Tip: Put Your Groceries Away

Finance

23 Hour Smoked Boston Butt — Image by bbum via Flickr

Last night, we went grocery shopping. I found a beautiful pork roast, just begging to come home with me. It could spend all day Sunday in the smoker. Rub some brown sugar and garlic on the outside, maybe use a mix of maple and cherry wood chips to turn my pork butt into breakfast food. Picture this: a beautiful chunk of slow-cooked pork butt, covered in a candied crust, falling apart at the lightest touch, and tasting faintly of maple syrup.

It was love.

This morning, I woke up, walked into the kitchen to make some breakfast, and saw that beautiful butt sitting on the counter. Room temperature meat, ruined by my negligence. $15 in the trash.

We got back late last night, and apparently set this wonderful piece of future-food down with the non-refrigerated items were were planning to put away later. We said good-bye to the sitter, chased the kids to bed, picked up the house a bit, and forgot about my new love.

I’m sad.

Here’s my advice: When you get home from grocery shopping, immediately put all of the groceries away. Let the kids juggle knives for a bit, if you have to, but get the food put away. If that’s not going to work, at least take it all out of the shopping bags so you can check your work.

There are starving kids in Iowa. Don’t let potential candied pork roast go to waste.

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