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Don’t Screw Future-You

Finance, Life

A conversation between me and my temporally displaced self.

Future Me: Excuse me, Jason?

Me: Yes?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: May I ask what that was for?

FMe: Of course.

Me: What was that for, jerk?

FMe: That was payback for all of the hell you have put me through.

Me: What?!? I’ve never even met you, before.

FMe: Of course you have. I am future-you, and I’m sick of getting screwed by past-me, that is, you.

Me: Huh?

FMe: Listen close. You’re not the sharpest brick in the box and I don’t want to explain this twice.

Me: ???

FMe: A long time ago, when you first met our wife, you were dumb.

Me: I don’t appreciate….

FMe: Shut up. I was dumb then, too. Remember? You…err…we bought a new truck, built an addition on our…err…your…err…whomever’s house, got married in the same year. On top of many other expensive decisions. Do your recall?

Me: Yes, I do. So what?

FMe: If that wasn’t enough, you and your smoking-hot bride are still shopping like you’re rich. You drive a new car. Your kids wear new clothes. You’ve got a house full of new furniture. How did you pay for all of that?

Me: Naturally, I charged it. Zero payments, zero interest for a year! Pretty smart, huh?

FMe: What happens in a year?

Me: I don’t know. I’ve got a full year to figure that out.

FMe: <Slap!> I’ll tell you what happens! Future-you, that’s me, gets screwed! Your raise didn’t come through. You had a baby. The truck broke down. Your wife took maternity leave. A roommate moved out. You took a loss in the stock market. You didn’t plan! You had no savings to cover any of those problems because you were too busy servicing debt to pay for your current life.

Me: How was I to know?

FMe: <Slap!> Life happens! You never know what is coming next. You need to plan and save for what might happen. Otherwise, you’ll just accumulate more debt to be serviced by yours-truly. That is not acceptable.

Me: So? What are you going to do about it?

FMe: <Slap!>

Me: Really? Again?

FMe: <Slap!> I’m struggling to pay your debt. Your son starts college next year, but you’ve left me completely unable to help. Your daughter wants to get married in a couple of years, but the Father-of-the-Bride can’t afford a tux. My wife, your beatiful bride, wants a vacation that I can’t afford. You’ve screwed me, dude.

Me: I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?

FMe: Buy me dinner, first.

Me: Huh?!?!?

FMe: Stop the excess spending. Spend less than you make, for a change. No credit.

Me: None?

FMe: None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Only spend what you can afford. Budget. Pay off those nasty bills. Don’t leave me hanging.

Me: So, what you’re saying is that, if I don’t have the money, I shouldn’t buy it?

FMe: Exactly. That’s the path to wealth, freedom, and financial independence. Live in the real world.

Me: Gee, thanks, Future-Me! Now I know.

FMe: And knowing is half the battle.

What would your future-you have to say to you?

Cthulhu’s Guide to Finance

Finance

This is a guest post from Cthulhu, written in his house at R’lyeh. In the eons of his imprisonment, he has never contributed a blog post…until now. Be nice, this is his first post ever.

Cthulhu fhtagn. Cthulhu waits. Eons in R’lyeh–dead but dreaming–have taught me well the virtue of patience. Rush not into the abyss of hasty decisions.Lie patiently until the stars align and you can once again dominate your investments. As much as I despise virtues, patience is the one I practice.

Just as looking upon my form may cost you your sanity, obsessing over your finances may cost your loved ones the same. Instead, set your finances on a path of prosperity and work to hasten my return. Spend less than you earn. Earn more than you need. Give the rest to me.

Use the Shoggoth. Thought the postules of greenish light light may disgust those who have never devoured an entire planet, they are good for menial work. Use them, or their demented cousin, the automatic payment, to pay your bills. Set them to the task of making sure all of your bills are paid on time, leaving you free for more productive works. Do not, however, make the mistake of Ubbo-Sathla, whose fecundity spawned the vermin prototype known as homo sapiens. Keep your Shoggoth under control so they do not spend what you have not yet earned.

Avoid the Deep Ones. When dealing with the paramount evil(though I shouldn’t say that as a bad thing) of lenders, beware my servants. If they catch you in over your head, you will be screwed. If you cannot pay the price, there will be fees and punishments galore. A proper Cthulhu-fest of Chaos and Mayhem at your expense! A pound of flesh for every dollar not paid will be the standard when I arise, but for now, it is $39 for missing a payment or spending more than your limit.

“The only saving grace of the present is that it’s too damned stupid to question the past very closely.” This quote by my favorite historian demonstrates the futility of your mortal existence. If you learn from your mistakes, or–less painfully–the mistakes of others, you will grow as a person. Personal growth is entirely at odds with my goals as the Greater Evil. Learning from your mistakes will prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future. Einstein once said “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” is the definition of insanity. That, or looking upon my form. One of those acts can be avoided. It is in your best interests to avoid insanity, at least until I awaken.

So many of those inhabiting my Earthly domain seem to suffer from my get Ghatanothoa‘s curse–absolute petrification in the face of their travails. When faced with a foe, fight! Do not collapse under the burden of your debts! Work! An inch, a dollar, a pound at a time: Defeat it! Do not quit and do not give up. Cthulhu does not forget or forgive.

That is the wisdom brought forth from my dead-but-dreaming slumber in R’yleh. Read it, understand it, follow it. It will serve you well until my return.

This post has been resurrected because I want to see it on the front page again.

Carnival Roundups: The Weaponized Syphilis Edition

Life, Misc

Last weekend, I was in Denver for the Financial Blogger Conference. Last week, I had a sore throat that got worse each day until my tonsils started touching on Friday. I could barely talk, so I went to the doctor, then to bed.

It apparently wasn’t strep throat, but beyond that, it could be anything from motaba to weaponized syphilis*.

This is one of those occasions when I’m happy to be living in the future, where a quick trip to the clinic can knock out what would have been hopeless and fatal and few hundred years ago. Antibiotics and a day spent in bed watching super hero movies made me better. That beats bloodletting any day.

Live Real, Now was included in the following carnivals recently:

Yakezie Carnival: FINCON Edition hosted by Finance Product Reviews

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by My University Money

Carnival of Retirement #36 hosted by Making Sense of Cents

Carnival of Personal Finance #377 hosted by Money Life and More

Yakezie Carnival: Labor Day Edition hosted by Stock Trend Investing

Yakezie Carnival: The Best of Summer Edition hosted by On Target Coach

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by Simple Finance Blog

Carnival of Retirement #34 hosted by My Family Finances

Lifestyle Carnival #17 hosted by The Free Financial Advisor

Yakezie Carnival: Dog Days of Summer Edition hosted by Frugal Portland

Carnival of Money Pros: Back to School Edition hosted by See Debt Run

Nerdy Finance #7 hosted by Nerd Wallet

Yakezie Carnival hosted by The College Investor

Yakezie Carnival – Rescue Edition hosted by See Debt Run

Carnival of Financial Camaraderie #45 hosted by My University Money

Carnival of Money Pros hosted by Aaron Hung

Carnival of Retirement #32 hosted by Young Family Finance

Thanks for including my posts.

Get More Out of Live Real, Now

There are so many ways you can read and interact with this site.

You can subscribe by RSS and get the posts in your favorite news reader. I prefer Google Reader.

You can subscribe by email and get, not only the posts delivered to your inbox, but occasional giveaways and tidbits not available elsewhere.

You can ‘Like’ LRN on Facebook. Facebook gets more use than Google. It can’t hurt to see what you want where you want.

You can follow LRN on Twitter. This comes with some nearly-instant interaction.

You can send me an email, telling me what you liked, what you didn’t like, or what you’d like to see more(or less) of. I promise to reply to any email that isn’t purely spam.

* Weaponized Syphilis

This involves giving each of the syphilis spirochetes an M16 and a Manifest Destiny indoctrination before releasing them into the wild. The transport mechanism (the “insertion method”) remains as fun as ever.

Have a great weekend!

Festival of Frugality #287: The Independence Day Edition

Misc

Today, it is my please to host the 287th Festival of Frugality, the Independence Day Edition. Yesterday, was Independence Day in the US. It’s the day we celebrate throwing off the yolk of high-tax, no-rights tyranny and blowing stuff up.

That’s not what this Festival is about. As much as I love this country and enjoyed celebrating, today, the theme is the Independence Day movie.

Coolest ID4 fact, ever: A promotional piece that aired in Spain for this film set off a “War of the Worlds” type of wide spread panic. The promo featured a popular Spanish news anchor and the piece ran as if there really WAS an alien attack to occur on July 4.

Editor’s Picks

The explosion of the Welcome Wagon Helicopters was actually footage of a pyrotechnics accident on set.

Miss T. gives us Seven Reasons to Avoid Penny Auction Sites. She does a great job of explaining the evil that is Penny Auctions, from outright fraud to the rip-off that is the basic business model. Some of these sites make $5000 or more on an iPad auction. They don’t even have to carry an inventory before running an auction.

Independence Day holds the record for most miniature model-work. It beat the previous record by double.

Philip submits Turn Wasted Extra Money Into a Debt Payment. I have a friend who is positive he can’t reduce his monthly expenses at all, while eating out almost every day.

The alien ship “miniature” was 65 feet across.

Boomer presents Financial Support For Your Adult Children. I love my parents. A lot. I couldn’t imagine moving back in with them, and I’m pretty sure they’d feel the same way soon enough. Although, Mom, if you’re reading this, can I have an allowance again?

This was the highest grossing film in 1996.

Suba presents Why you should not use 401k. I’ve never questioned the wisdom of maxing out a 401k. It’s good to see those assumptions challenged and the numbers crunched.

The Best of the Rest

President Whitmore: Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind, that word should have new meaning to all of us. We cannot be consumed by our petty differences anymore. Perhaps it is fate that today is the fourth of July, and we will once again be fighting for our freedom. But not for freedom from tyrrany or oppression or persecution. We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world stood up and declared in one voice that we will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

FMF presents Save Money on Groceries by Shopping on Wednesday posted at Free Money Finance.

Harri Pierce presents Have a second hand summer posted at TotallyMoney.

Daniel presents Top 10 Reasons to Shop Online vs. Shopping In-Store posted at Sweating The Big Stuff.

President Whitmore: It’s a fine line between standing behind a principle and hiding behind one.

Philip Taylor presents The Best Time to Buy posted at PT Money Personal Finance.

Outlaw presents Pay Yourself First and Have Money in the Bank posted at Outlaw Finance.

Crystal presents Frugal Tips for the Pet Dog posted at Budgeting in the Fun Stuff.

Matt presents The Price of Water posted at Stupid Cents.

That’s right! That’s what you get! Look at you! Ship all banged up! Who’s the man? Who’s the man?! Wait until I get another plane! I am going to line up all your friends right beside you! ~ Captain Steven Hiller

Alan presents The Cost of Online Gaming: Free to Play posted at Canadian Finance Blog.

Paula @ AffordAnything.org presents Diets and Debt: Managing Money and Your Weight posted at AffordAnything.org.

Kay Lynn presents Summer Fun for the Frugal Family posted at Bucksome Boomer.

Jacob @ My Personal Finance Journey presents Top 10 Money Saving Tips posted at My Personal Finance Journey.

If you’re so smart, tell me something, how come you go to M.I.T. for 8 years to become a cable repairman?~ Julius Levinson

Glen Craig presents The Cost of Clutter on Your Finances and Life posted at Free From Broke.

Eddie presents 55 Suggestions To Save $1000 posted at Finance Fox.

Darwin presents Are You Better Off Than Your Parents? posted at Darwin’s Money.

Sustainable PF presents Sustainability Tip #179: Loose Cap Lose Gas posted at Sustainable Personal Finance.

WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Elvis has left the building! ~ Captain Steven Hiller

I hope you enjoyed the carnival. Please take a moment to subscribe to Live Real, Now.

The Best Financial Advice I Ever Received

Finance

Read through any financial book, newspaper, magazine, or blog and you’ll find no shortage of advice. It seems everyone has their own opinion on what you should be doing with your money. One book tells you to invest in real estate. Another says index funds. Another says tax liens.

After awhile it can become pretty frustrating trying to figure out what exactly is the best course of action. If all these experts have different opinions, whose advice do you trust?

Personally, the best financial advice I ever received didn’t come from a financial guru. It didn’t come from a personal finance book or magazine. It didn’t come from the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times.

It came from my dad.

I was probably about eight or nine years old and I was sitting on the floor playing with my Star Wars action figures while he sat in his chair flipping though a trade magazine. Out of the blue, he asked me for ideas on what kind of products he could sell for extra income.

Being an 8 year old boy the only things that came to mind were whoopee cushions and magic sets. But that wasn’t exactly what my dad had in mind.

“Why do you want to sell stuff anyway?” I asked him.

“To make extra money. Gotta keep food on the table,” he replied.

“But you already have a job. Just ask for a raise or something if you need more money.”

My dad just shook his head. And then he sat me down and gave me the best financial advice anyone has ever given me.

“Mike, my boss doesn’t give a damn about me. He cares about himself and his own job. If it helps him to have me around then that’s good for me. But if he decides he’s better off without me, then I’m gone. That’s the way it is. It will be the same when you get older and get a job. You’ve got to look after yourself because no one else is looking out for you. You can’t rely on your boss, or the government, or anyone else to help you look after your family. You’ve got to take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.”

Now, my dad wasn’t a financial guru. In fact he was practically broke when he died. Several years after we had our talk his company decided they could hire someone younger to do his job for a lot less money and they laid him off. Several attempts at entrepreneurship failed and he ended up burning through the family savings while racking up debt.

But his words still echo with me today. I harbor an inherent mistrust of corporate America and the knowledge that no matter how well I perform my job I could be let go without warning if they decide to send my job overseas to India or the Philippines.

But my father’s words also fill me with a need for independence and the need to build multiple streams of income to protect myself against the loss of one. Without that little speech all those years ago I might not have learned how to make websites to supplement my income. And I wouldn’t be progressing toward my ultimate plan of quitting my day job so I can focus solely on my own business while having the freedom to spend more time with my family.

Most importantly, I have goals and a plan to reach them. Without that I would be like so many of my friends who march off to work day after day with no real sense of power or purpose.

What about you? What was the best financial advice you ever received?

Written by Mike Collins of http://SavingMoneyToday.net