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Toxic People
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
-Duncan Idaho, from God-Emperor of Dune
Some people suck the life out of everyone they encounter. Whether it be through lies, unreasonable demands, emotional abuse or manipulation, or just a vile personalty, the people they meet are worse off for the encounter. The people they interact with every day are screwed.
My time is too precious to waste any of it unnecessarily on people who remove value from it. I like being with people who enrich my life, instead.
Unfortunately, since I’m not an advocate for the use of hitmen, not every toxic person is easy to eliminate from your life.
Toxic people come in 3 basic varieties: professional, personal, and family. There is some overlap between the categories.
The personal category is easiest to deal with. These people aren’t relatives or coworkers, so you won’t see them at family gatherings or at work. I’ve dealt with these people in two ways.
First, there is the direct approach. One former friend, who was really only a friend when it was convenient for him(a pure leech), got told that he wasn’t invited to one of our parties because I was inviting his ex-wife, instead. That was the last time he called me.
The second option is far more passive. I set up a contact group in my phone called “Life’s too short”. At first, I set it up with a fairly insulting ring tone, but I later switched it to no ring at all. I don’t know they’ve called until I check my voicemail. It’s far less direct, but also far easier than the direct approach.
Dealing with the toxic people in your family is more complicated. You’ll see them at holiday gatherings, or hear about them during unrelated visits. You probably have a lot of memories growing up with them, and may feel some level of obligation–deserved or not–to maintain contact. It’s hard to break a tie that you’ve had your entire life.
Can you fix their behavior? It’s worth trying to have a frank discussion about how they are treating you, or the things they are doing. If the problem is that they are constantly bringing over their methhead boyfriends, banning the drug addicts from your home, while still welcoming the relative may be an acceptable fix. If the problem is a constant need to belittle you, demanding they stop may work. If the problem is a lifetime of emotional abuse, it probably isn’t fixable.
Is banishment an option? Can you put that creepy cousin on the Life’s Too Short list? You’ll still have to deal with him at family gatherings, but you can always leave the room when he comes in, right? Don’t engage, don’t participate in any conversation beyond a polite greeting, and don’t offer any encouragement towards regular contact.
It’s possible that it won’t be possible to fix their behavior and that you won’t want to banish the offender. If, for example, the offender is your mother (Not you, Mom!), you may feel a sense of obligation to maintain contact, or even be a primary caregiver at times. This is a line nobody else can draw for you. At some point, the current bad behavior could overwhelm the past obligations. When that happens are you prepared for it? That can be a traumatic break.
The other option, as cold as it sounds, is to wait it out. Nature will take its course, eventually. Can you wait that long, while maintaining your sanity and emotional equilibrium?
Professional toxic people include customers, vendors, and coworkers, none of whom are easy to get rid of.
If you own the business, you can fire your problem customers if the hassle outweighs the benefits you get from the relationship. You can find a new vendor, and you can fire the problem employees.
What happens if you are an employee?
If the problem is your boss, your options are to suck it up, talk to his boss, or find a new job. If the first is intolerable, and the second is impossible, it’s time to polish your resume.
If the problem is a vendor, you’ve got some options. Document the problems, first. Does he make inappropriate jokes, or badmouth you to your customers? Then, research the alternatives. Does one of his competitors offer an equivalent product or service? Take the documentation and research to your boss, or whoever makes that decision, and see if you can get your company to make the switch. The other option, is to request someone new to deal with at the vendor’s company, but that may not always be possible.
Finally, we come to the problem of toxic coworkers.
Some coworkers have the same problems as a toxic boss. Is the company vice-president the boss’s baby brother? You’re probably not going to find a win there. You’ll have to suck it up or move on.
Is the problem person working in an unrelated department doing unrelated tasks? It may be possible to start taking breaks at different times and leave him where he belongs: in the past.
Is the difficult individual sharing an office with you, demanding everything be done his way, and throwing daily tantrums? This is the one that has to be dealt with. He’s the one sucking the life out of you every single day.
First, start making use of a voice recorder. If you’ve got a smartphone, you’ve probably already got one. Otherwise, drop the $20 to buy one. This lets you document the evil. When his behavior goes hinky, record it.
Second, stand up for yourself. If he’s making unreasonable demands, tell him it’s inappropriate. He’s a bully, and bullies tend to back down when they are confronted.
Third, make sure the boss knows about the behavior. Yes, this is tattling. Get over it. If he wasn’t acting like he was a spoiled 4 year old, you wouldn’t have to tell the boss that he was. If the boss doesn’t know there’s a problem, he can’t deal with it.
Fourth, for any problem that isn’t directly aimed at you, ignore it. If he makes a habit of throwing a tantrum because somebody emptied the coffee pot, or because the company switched health plans, let him. Only get in the way if it’s directed at you. Over time, the tantrums will get more noticeable and out of hand, forcing the boss to deal with it, preferably by handing him a pink slip.
Your goal is documentation, awareness, and avoidance. Make the worst of it go elsewhere so you can be as productive as possible, document what you can, and let the boss become aware of the situation and how bad it has become. And be patient. This isn’t an overnight fix.
How do you deal with the toxic people in your life?
Why Going Green is Good for the Pocket
Going green is about making changes, some of them very small, to lessen the impact you have on the planet and its precious resources. But if it can be both good for the planet and good for your pocket then who would seriously not want to ‘go green’?
Saving money is at the top of most people’s minds at the moment, so check out your credit card at Moneysupermarket to ensure you are getting the best deal and see how going green can affect the rest of your finances.
Most of the things we can do to reduce our consumption of both energy and materials are automatically going to save us money.
Some of the more obvious steps to make your home more energy efficient can result in substantial savings, such as fitting good insulation, having double glazing and putting up thick curtains to keep the heat inside.
These simple tips are not all that can be done in the home, as by starting to think differently about how you use the different areas of your home, you’ll find out how zonal living can save you even more.
Zonal living is about only using energy as you need it in the home. Heating can be varied from room to room, ensuring that the temperatures in each room are adjusted according to when and how the room is used.
Keeping bedrooms cool at night, for example, not only saves you money, but also promotes better sleep. You can achieve zonal heating by fitting thermostatic valves to your radiators and using electrical timers to switch heaters on and off at appropriate times.
Most of us now have more electrical appliances in our homes than we actually use and each of them can be steadily consuming energy even when not in use.
The worst culprits are probably the TV and DVD player, because it’s so convenient to use the remote to switch them off. You might think you’re turning them off, but all that’s happening is you’re putting them on standby. Spend a few seconds actually switching off appliances at the plug and you’ll be amazed at the savings over the course of a year.
The same applies to cell phones. Nowadays, most of them recharge in a couple of hours or less. If you leave them to charge overnight, you’re simply wasting energy and money.
Could you cut down on your usage of the tumble dryer? Nothing in the white goods department uses up quite so much energy as these noisy machines so, if you can, buy a washing line and rediscover the joys of laundry dried by the breeze and sun; your bank account will reap the benefits.
Fuel costs only ever seem to go up, so adopting a more efficient style of driving will help your pocket as well as the planet. The Drive 55 campaign claims that keeping within the speed limit of 55 mph can cut as much as 50% off your fuel bill.
When you move away from a junction or lights, you can use up large amounts of gas, so learning how to use your gears smoothly is another way of saving cash.
None of these steps require great changes but taking a little time and putting a little thought into your energy consumption will help save you money and help conserve energy and resources.
Post by Moneysupermarket.
My Financial Plan – How I Improve on Ramsey
In April, my wife and I decided that debt was done. We have hopefully closed that chapter in our lives. I borrowed, then purchased, The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. 
budget” width=”300″ height=”213″ />We are almost following his baby steps. Our credit has always been spectacular, but we used it a lot. Our financial plan is Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover, with some adjustments.
Step 1. Budget:
The budget was painful, and for the first couple of months, impossible. We had no idea what bills were coming due. There were quarterly payments for the garbage bill and annual payments for the auto club. It was all a surprise. Surprises are setbacks in a budget.
When something came up, we’d start budgeting for it, but stuff kept coming up. We’re not on top of all of it, yet, but we are so much closer. We’ve got a virtual envelope system for groceries, auto maintenance, baby needs(we have two in diapers) and some discretionary money. We set aside money for everything that isn’t a monthly expense, and have a line item for everything that is. My wife is eligible for overtime and monthly bonuses. That money does not get budgeted. It’s all extra and goes straight on to debt, or to play catch-up with the bills we had previously missed. I figure it will take a full year to get all of the non-monthly expenses in the budget and caught up.
Step 2. The initial emergency fund:
Ramsey recommends $1000, adjusted for your situation. I decided $1000 wasn’t enough. That isn’t even a month’s worth of expenses. We settled on $1800, plus $25/month. It’s still not enough, but it’s better. Hopefully, we’ll be able to ignore it long enough that the $25/month accrues to something worthwhile.
Step 3. The Debt Snowball:
This is the controversial bad math. Pay off the lowest balance accounts first, then take those payments and apply them to the higher balance accounts. Emotionally, it’s been wonderful. We paid off the first credit card in a couple of weeks, followed 6 weeks later by my student loan. Since April, we’ve dropped nearly $10,000 and we haven’t made huge cuts to our standard of living. At least monthly, we re-examine our expenses to see what else can be cut.
Step 4. Three to six months of expenses in savings:
We aren’t on this step yet. In step 2, we are consistently depositing more, making us more secure every month.
Step 5. Invest 15% of household income into Roth IRAs and pre-tax retirement:
I have not stopped my auto-deposited contribution. It’s stupid to pass up an employer match. My wife’s company does not match, so she is currently not contributing.
Step 6. College funding for children:
We have started a $10 College fund.
Step 7. Pay off home early:
I don’t see the point in handling this one separately. Our mortgage is debt, and when the other debts are paid, we will be less than a year from owning our house, free and clear. This is rolled in with step three. All debt is going away, immediately.
Step 8. Build wealth and give!
We have cut off most of our charitable giving. Every other year, it has been a significant percent of our income, and in a few more years, will be so again. The only exception to this is children knocking on the door for fundraisers. I have no problems with saying no to a parent fundraising for their kid, but when the kids is doing the work, door-to-door, especially in the winter, I buy something. My son’s school, on the other hand, gets fundraisers ignored. When they come home, I send a check to the school, ignoring the program. I bypass the overhead and make a direct donation.
Side Hustle: Garage Sale Management
Pre-sale preparation and marketing are important, but ultimately, the money comes from how you manage the sale.
How many people will you have staffing the sale? There are a few considerations here. How many people are involved in the sale? How many people can take the time off? It’s best to have three people at the sale at all times. Two people can manage the money while the third plays salesman and security. Staffer #3 is in charge of watching for price-tag swaps or other theft, answering questions, and trying to upsell. It also allows for breaks, which, if you’ve ever spent a day in a garage drinking coffee, is important.
When are you going to be open? You don’t want to open so early you don’t have time to wake up and get ready for the sale, but you don’t want to open so late the professional garage-salers drive past and forget about you. Plan to open sometime between 7 and 9. When will you close? Staying open until 6 will catch most of the after-work crowd, but it makes for a long day, but closing at four cuts out a lot of the late-day shoppers. Our hours were 8-5, which seemed to be a good compromise between a long day and the best sale.
[ad name=”inlineleft”]Don’t be afraid to shut down. The first day of our sale was cold, wet, and miserable. We had to canopies in the driveway, but everything was getting wet, anyway. Traffic was slow and we weren’t enjoying ourselves, so we shut down. Lunch and a nap improved our outlook considerably. At the end of the day, we start packing up, even if people were there. We tried to only pack what they had looked at, and we didn’t try to rush the potential customers, but we did let them know that the sale was ending for the day. The folks who came in half an hour after close on the last day seemed upset that we didn’t unpack everything for their amusement.
Our layout was designed to get everything easily visible while maximizing traffic. The first day, we were confined to the garage and tents, so space was limited. There were baskets under each of the tables. That forced people to crouch and block each other. The second day, we expanded to fill the driveway. Our tables were organized in 3 rows–a “U” shape with a double-wide row of tables in the middle. This allowed people to see everything in one pass. The middle row had periodic breaks so we could move around to help the customers. The pay table was in the middle of one of the outer rows, which let us monitor the entire sale.
Find someone to watch the kids and pets. If you have to keep an eye on your children, you aren’t watching the customers or giving them the attention they need. Your dog–no matter how well-behaved–is a liability. It will be stressed at the people. Some customers will be allergic or afraid. Just don’t do it.
Ideally, you will have someone who isn’t taking money, knows a little bit about most of the merchandise, and isn’t too shy to talk to strangers. His job is to wander around, answer questions, and help people decide if they want an item. He’s the sales-weasel. If he’s pushy, he’ll chase off the customers, but if he’s hiding, he isn’t making any money. Unusual items should have a sign attached explaining why they are special, so the sales-weasel doesn’t have to explain it to everyone.
Every single item should be priced, but not everything needs to be priced individually. We priced all of the movies in a group. “VHS: $0.50 or 5 for $2, DVD $3 or 4 for $10”. Nobody should have to ask what an item costs. If there are multiple people doing a sale together, make sure everyone is using colored price tags to identify who is selling what.
People come to garage sales expecting to find good deals. If they don’t, they’ll leave. Our rule of thumb for pricing was about 25% of retail, with wiggle-room for the item’s condition. New-in-the-box sometimes made it up to 50% of retail. Our goal was primarily to reduce clutter, so a lot of items were priced at 10%. You have to keep in mind that, if you price things too low, people will assume there is something wrong with it and not assign a value in their own minds. Price it at what you would be willing to pay in a garage sale, then mark it up–just a bit–to account for haggling.
People love to haggle at garage sales. It gives them an opportunity to brag about the great deal they fought for. Try to accommodate them. One of the people participating in our sale was selling antiques with a definite value. She didn’t want to haggle on any prices, so we simply hung up a sign that read “All white-tagged prices are firm.” Everyone else was willing to accept almost any reasonable offer. Our most important rule for accepting a price? If you pissed me off, I didn’t budge on price. Insult me, or offer 1/10 of the price, and my defenses go up, bringing your final price with it. Talk nice and use some common sense while haggling, and you got what you asked for.
[ad name=”inlineright”]Could we have maximized the sale more? Probably. I had intended to hang up a sign that simply said “$100” to set a high anchor-price on everything, but I forgot.
Note: The entire series is contained in the Garage Sale Manual on the sidebar.
Update: This post has been included in the Carnival of Personal Finance.
5 Life Altering Lessons I Learned From My Debt
Several years ago, my wife and I dug ourselves into debt pretty deep. It wasn’t as bad as some, but it was much worse than anybody could actually want. Recognizing the problem as a problem was a life-changing event. From there, I’ve been examining every thing else about my life. As part of that examination, I’ve spent a lot of time really thinking about the ultimate causes of the debt and what it has taken to motivate ourselves to get rid of it.
I’ve realized a few things:
- The things I want right now do not matter. I own around 2000 movies. Up until last spring, every time I went into a store that sold movies, I’d peruse the cheap rack and buy 2-3 moves. I’d watch them all, but the vast majority were only ever watched once or twice. The rest may as well have been rented. I wanted them and I wanted them “right now”, but after watching them once, the value vanished. Most things I’ve bought on a whim lost their value to me shortly after bringing them home. Planned purchases are enjoyable longer.
- The things I care about do not cost money. I cannot buy a kiss from my kids, or a hug from my wife. The school project my son did on his hero(Me!) is absolutely priceless. The TV, the smartphone, a new car, these things are fleeting. Teaching my kids to read or ride a bike, getting beat by a 6 year old at chess, these things will last us all forever. It took $30,000 of unsecured consumer debt to drill that lesson home.
- Instant gratification is easier than security, but not nearly as gratifying. It is incredibly easy to buy what you want when you want it. It is much harder to postpone buying something until you can afford it. Once you build that habit, and see the savings of delayed gratification, it’s worth it. There is a comfort in having a few months worth of expenses in an emergency fund that no amount of knickknacks can match.
- I like getting stuff more than I like having stuff. It’s easy to succumb to the temporary high of a quick purchase. It’s easy to train yourself to crave that high to the point that it’s impossibly to walk out of a store without buying something. I did that. When I cleaned out my entire house this spring, I came to the realization that I don’t need–or even want–most of the things I own. I wanted it once, but once I had it, the infatuation was gone. I didn’t have many problems unloading most of my crap. It felt good to get rid of it.
- Owing money sucks. The borrower is slave to the lender. When our debt exceeded our annual income, we were working 3/4 of the time just to stay afloat. Instead of being able to spend my time and money on the things that matter, I was forced to spend thousands of hours just covering interest and pretending to make progress on my shackles. That’s not how I recommend spending your life. Time is the one thing you have that you can never get back. Don’t waste it on crap like debt.
Have you learned anything from your debt?
