LRN got hacked this morning. Thankfully, I backup weekly and subscribe to my own RSS feed. 20 minutes to total restoration.
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-05-01
- RT @Dave_Champion Obama asks DOJ to look at whether AZ immigration law is constitutional. Odd that he never did that with #Healthcare #tcot #
- RT @wilw: You know, kids, when I was your age, the internet was 80 columns wide and built entirely out of text. #
- RT @BudgetsAreSexy: RT @FinanciallyPoor "The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money." ~ Unknown #
- Official review of the double-down: Unimpressive. Not enough bacon and soggy breading on the chicken. #
- @FARNOOSH Try Ubertwitter. I haven't found a reason to complain. in reply to FARNOOSH #
- Personal inbox zero! #
- Work email inbox zero! #
- StepUp3D: Lame dancing flick using VomitCam instead or choreography. #
- I approve of the Nightmare remake. #Krueger #
Kids Are Temporary
Have you ever watched someone go nuts after they have kids?
I mean, even after the I-haven’t-slept-more-than-20-minutes-in-a-row-for-3-months stage of babydom?
These people dedicate their lives to their kids. They sacrifice all of their hopes and dreams and focus on the brats. They can’t have a date night because little Sally might get lonely without mommy and daddy. Can’t have a hobby because Johnny’s on the traveling soccer team. Can’t get laid because it’s a family bed and that’s kind of creepy when the kids are right there.
Everything for the kids.
As they grow, it gets worse. You spend more time helping with homework and less time talking to your wife. More time playing chauffeur, less time playing doctor.
It’s a nasty cycle, and it comes with an abrupt stop.
What happens when school’s out? Little Johnny graduates with a dual degree in Practical Philosophy and Experimental Art History, gets a job at the local Stab-and-Grab, gets married, and starts a family.
When that happens, parents suddenly become “extended family”. The kid has a life of his own and probably doesn’t need his clothes picked out in the morning, a ride to soccer practice, or someone to write his name in his underwear.
This is planned. It is–in theory–the reason we raise our kids. It shouldn’t be a surprise, even if it is a bit of a shock.
Can you survive it? Can your marriage?
If you’ve spent the last 20 years of your life pretending you are nothing but a system for delivering food, rides, and gadgets for your kids, what are you going to do with your time when they are busy pretending they are that system for their kids? If you’ve never developed a hobby, are you going to go extra-special, bat-**** crazy now?
For 20 years, have all of your conversations been about your kids? Have all of your outings been birthday parties? Will you have anything to say to your spouse when the kids are gone?
Your kids are temporary.
They are important. They are your genetic legacy and the people who will choose your nursing home. Don’t neglect them, but you do have to hold something back. Make time for yourself. Make time for your husband or your wife. Or both, if you can make that work.
When your kids are working 90 hour weeks building a new career, or hustling 4 kids to 10 after-school activities, your life doesn’t get to revolve around them.
All you’ve got is yourself and your wife. If she’s not feeling secure about your feelings now, when she loses the distraction of puke in her hair, that insecurity will blossom in unpleasant ways. If you can’t find a conversation that doesn’t involve the kids now, the silence will be blistering when you eventually lose that crutch.
If you don’t have a hobby, get one.
If you don’t have a relationship with your wife, get one. Take her on a date tonight. Your kids are temporary, your marriage shouldn’t be. This is the rest of your life. Make it worthwhile.
Invisible Cushion
Earlier this year, we experimented with abandoning the strict budget in favor of automating as much as possible on our credit card, and keeping our discretionary spending under control, but on the same card.
We failed. It was 2 parts lack of communication, 3 parts lack of discipline, and 1 part “we’re dumb”. Transitioning back to cash hasn’t been that smooth. The problem is that we went over budget for a couple of months and our renewed budget had to shrink to cover the credit card.
To recap: Coming off a few months going over budget, we had to tighten our belts even more than we had before…after breaking our good habits.
It didn’t work out well.
If one of us forgot to grab cash, we’d just charge whatever we were buying, which gave the month’s budget a spanking, every time.
Last month, I added a new category to our budget. It’s just a cushion. I’ve got $200 whose sole purpose is to make sure we don’t go over budget.
But there’s a secret.
The cushion is a secret.
I’m not a fan of hiding money from my wife, but I’m hiding this. Generally, I think that money and relationships and secrets don’t mix.
However…
She’s told me that, when she knows there’s extra money, she has an urge to spend it. If I told her there was an extra $200, she would spend it. If I tell her that we have $40o to cover our discretionary spending, and she goes over by $50, we’re still $150 to the good, which leaves me room to have lapses in discipline or memory, too.
Then, at the end of the month, any of the invisible cushion that is left over can get applied to our debt payments.
This system should let us keep rolling, with less stress and fewer arguments, while still helping us get rid of our remaining debts. The biggest flaw is the secret. I’m bad at keeping secrets from my wife, especially about things that affect both of us, but if i let it slip, the invisible cushion will go away.
What do you think? Am I a jerk for hiding part of our budget? Do you hide anything about your finances?
Birthday Parties are Evil
This is a post from my archives.
I hate birthday parties. Well, not all birthday parties. Not even most parties. Just the expensive-for-the-sake-of-expensive parties. The bar-raising parties. The status-boosting parties. I’m done.
My son is seven years older than my first daughter. In those seven years, with only one kid, we managed to spoil him regarding birthday parties. Every party was big and there were a lot of presents. That’s an expensive way to run a birthday and it is a lot of stress. We even moved the parties home, but still invited all of our friends and family. It was much too stressful.
A good friend used the pizza and game place, buying tokens for everyone at the party. That’s incredibly expensive. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t afford that for three kids. There’s an element of keeping up with everyone around me, but I just can’t make myself care about that anymore. They aren’t paying my debt or cleaning my house. They don’t get a vote.
My plan this year was to have a sleepover for my son. He had five friends spend the night, playing games and watching movies. They giggled and squealed for eighteen hours, all for the cost of some take-and-bake pizzas and snacks. It was a hit for everyone involved. The other parents got a night off and all of the kids had a blast.
My girls are one and two. We’re done with parties for them, too. They got big parties for their first birthdays. Those are parties for the adults; the kids don’t care. In a few years–even a few months–they won’t remember the party. My older daughter’s birthday will be a trip to the apple orchard, followed by cake and ice cream. She’ll get presents. She’ll get “her day”. She’ll remember that her birthday is special, without costing a lot of money.
We want them to have fun. We want them all to feel special. We also want to manage their expectations and keep the parties from breaking the budget. So far this year, it is working.
How do you run a birthday party on a budget?
Sammy’s Story, Part 3
If you haven’t been following along with Sammy’s story, please take a few minutes to do so here and here.
After Sammy gave me the sketches of his landscaping plan for my mother-in-law’s yard, we sat down to work out a proposal. Keep in mind that he’s never run a business and I’ve never run a landscaping business, so it was a bit of a learning experience for both of us.
We finally came up with a proposal for $1200, which included laying a plastic border around the yard, mulching the border, removing some trees and stumps, sanding and painting a swing and barbecue pit, and hard-raking the yard. He asked if $400 of that could be applied to the car he bought from us. I said yes, which was a mistake.
Sammy’s plan was to hire guys from the Salvation Army and at-risk kids, giving them a chance to improve their situations. As it turns out, a significant percentage of those folks don’t really want to work to improve their situations. The guys from the Salvation Army were all vetted by one of the counselors, but still only worked out about half of the time. The kids quit wanting to work when they found out it involved…work.
That was an expensive lesson that caused a bit of a cost overrun. If the crew that finished the job would have started it, we’d have been done weeks ago. What should have taken 3-4 days ended up taking a month. Not a 40-hour per week month, but it was still a month.
As we came closer to our garage sale, Sammy had the great idea to tackle the front yard, too. He wanted to make it pretty as an advertisement for the people coming to the sale. That inflated the cost.
We used the stacks of bricks that came with the house for the border instead of the plastic roll. Another price boost, since it involved digging deeper and laying freaking bricks.
The plan was for us to pay $800 out-of-pocket for the work, plus $3-400 in tools and equipment to help launch the business, plus materials. We ended up paying a bit under $3000 for everything. Between the labor problems and an expanding project, the price got a bit higher than either of us had anticipated.
At least the yard looks nice.
