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Multiracial Skinhead Love Triangle

English: A goat
English: A goat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Honey, here on national television, in front of a live studio audience, I’ve got a secret I’d like to share.   You’re not our child’s mother.  I’ve been sleeping with the milkman.  And the goat.  Your mom is the star of my new adult website.  With the goat.  And the milkman.  I’ve got three other families, in three other cities.  I lost the house to my gambling addiction.   Those sores?  Herpesyphiligonoritis.  I got it from the foreign exchange student we hosted before I moved her to Dubuque and married her.  The goat gave her away.  The milkman cried.   Oh, and I wore your panties to the Illinois Nazi reunion.   I know how much you hate Illinois Nazis.  But I still love you.  And your sister.  Especially your sister.  She does that thing with her tongue….”

Why would anyone go on national television to share things like that?

More interesting: why would anybody stay on stage after hearing that?

Stay tuned.

I have this friend.  He bought a couple of cars.  He’s got some issues with money, partially revolving around a need to keep his assets below a certain threshold.   So he put the cars in his girlfriend’s name.  I know, it’s slightly crooked, but that makes the story more fun.

They broke up.

Recently, she called him to say she was suing him for the cars.  She wanted them.  She wanted to hurt him.  She was mean.   Somehow that turned into them agreeing to settle the case on Judge Joe Brown, on national television.

My friend spoke with the show’s producer, then last week, he was flown to California and put up in a hotel for a couple of days.   When he arrived at the TV studio, he was informed that it wasn’t Judge Joe Brown, but a new show that will start airing in the fall called, The Test.   According to CBS, The Test “is a one-hour conflict resolution talk show that will use lie detector and DNA tests to settle relationship and paternity disputes among the guests.”   Coincidentally, CBS also owns Judge Joe Brown.

My friend got on stage with Dr. Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, and was accused of cheating on his girlfriend and stealing her identity.   Lie detectors.  Yelling.  Accusations.

Why did he stay?

He wasn’t given his return plane ticket until they were done filming.

When he was done, they handed him a voucher for cab fare and the itinerary for his return flight.  Until then, he had no other way to get home.

That’s why people stay on stage.  It’s probably also why none of those shows ever have people with money of their own; they can find their own way home in a pinch.

Interesting side note:  The show paid $200  and booked the cheapest possible return flight, with a 6 hour layover.

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Emergency Fund Goodness, Reasons #491,207 and #491,208

When you run a big company that handles a lot of one-year renewable contracts with the government at every level from city to federal, you tend to expect that you’ll need to do some legwork on the contract renewals before they expire.  Preferably, you’d do this a few weeks before they expire so the bureaucratic mess that is the federal government can process the renewal on their end.

That’s a reasonable expectation after 30 years in the industry.

If, instead, you wait until the expiration date on the contract to submit the renewal to the federal agency in question, you’ll have a department to shut down for a week due to lack of work.

Then, at the end of that week, you’ll be reminded that the wheels of the federal government grind. very. slow.

So slow, in fact, that the department in question gets to stay shut down for at least another 2 weeks.

If you haven’t been doing the math, that is a surprise, unpaid, three-week vacation for my wife.

Our emergency fund hasn’t grown to the size that can handle this, but it is enough to take the edge off for a couple of weeks.  Yay!

We’d already decided that we would be skipping a vacation this year, to give us more time to deal with my mother-in-law’s estate and hoarding remnants, so the vacation fund will be tapped.  That should cover the rest, assuming her job does come back.

That’s part 1.

Part 2 is the story of a cat whose butt exploded on our bed at 1AM last week.

Poo–the cat named for her coloration–has been acting funny.   She’d suddenly sprint in a circle around the room, then poop on the floor.   Irritating.

One night, her sprint crossed our bed, so my wife pinned her down, hoping to break the cycle.

The cat screamed, then sprayed blood from her butt all over the pillows, blankets, sheets, and my wife.

That’s called a midnight visit to the emergency vet.

See, cats have anal glands that they use to sign their work when they are marking their territory.  Sometimes, these glands get infected.  Sometimes, the infection gets so bad the glands kind of…explode.

On my bed.

While I’m sleeping.

Pop.

Fixing that involves sedation, an ice cream scoop, and a sewing kit.  Or something.  I wasn’t really pushing for details when my wife called from the vet’s office.

For those of you who’ve never had a cat’s butt explode in your bed at one in the morning (and if you have, I’m not sure I want to hear the story), the emergency vet isn’t cheap.   This visit cost us $500.  It probably would have been half of that if we would have waited until the regular vet opened, but…ewww.

We’ll be starting our emergency fund from about 0 in the next few weeks, but it beats going in to debt over a couple of setbacks.

How’s your emergency fund?  Is it enough to carry you through any unexpected setback?

 

My Credit Cards

This announcement is a bit premature, but not everything that’s premature has to end in an evening of disappointment.

At the beginning of the year, I transferred the balance of my last credit card onto two different cards, each with a 0% interest rate.   One card got a $4,000 transfer and the other got $13,850.  The approximately $415 in fees I paid for the transfer saved me nearly $1500 in interest this year.

The card that got the big balance is the card we use for a lot of our daily spending.    On my statement dated 2/18/2012, the balance on the this card was $14,865.23.  At the same time, the smaller card had a balance of $3,925.09, for a total of $18,790.32.  When I started my debt-murder journey in April 2009, it had peaked at just under $30,000.

When my payments clear later today, that balance will be gone.

That is nearly $19,000 paid down in 8 months.

Now, the inheritance we picked up did accelerate our repayment a bit, but only by a few months.

Starting from $90,394.70 in April 2009, we have paid down $63,746.70, leaving $26,648.00 on our mortgage.

I’m more than a little excited, which–as usual–is the cause for the prematurity.

New goal: pay off the mortgage in 2013.

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