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My Investment Portfolio

Business

I’m not a financial adviser.  I haven’t taken any of the classes or certifications that allow me to give investment advice.   Please don’t take this post as advice.

This is me, sharing what I have chosen to invest in.   These investments are scattered across a few different IRAs and brokerage accounts.  Copy me at your own risk.

BAC – Bank of America: I bought this low.  When any major bank is low, it’s time to buy.  I bought in stages starting at about $5 per share.  What I’ve got now has given me a 57% return.

CVS – CVS Caremark: I bought this on the advice of a friend.  It’s shown a 6% return over the past few months.

IAU & GLD – Gold ETFs: I wanted a way to get some precious metals into my IRA, so I bought a gold fund.  It’s down 7%, but I’m confident it’s going to come back.

MSFT – Microsoft:  This is one of the first stocks I bought with my 401k 10 years ago.  It’s up about 5% since I rolled it into my current IRA.

PAYX -Paychex Inc: I hate payday loans, but a friend recommended this stock and it has given me a 10% return.

SIRI –  Another recommendation from a different friend.  I don’t think it will ever hit the moon, but you won’t see me complain about the 60% return, either.

SLV – Silver ETF:  Another precious metals venture.  It’s down 3% overall, but that’s varying day to day.   A couple of weeks ago, it was around $19 per share, so it’s up nicely since then.  I predict it will continue to rise.

SYK: Stryker Corp: Another friendly recommendation.  This one is down 2%, but the recommender thinks it’s a good long-term bet, so I’ll hold it for a while.

VB – Vanguard Small-Cap ETF: I like Vanguard funds in general.  This one has given me a 5% return.

VIG – Vanguard Dividend ETF: This one pays dividends, which is usually a sign of a strong stock.  1% return.

VWO -: Vanguard Emerging Market ETF: If our economy has problems, emerging markets tend to thrive in response, so I’m hedging my bets with this.  It has lost 4% so far.

IDMOX – An ING family fund that has served me well.  13% return.

VFINX – Vanguard S&P index fund.  2% return.

RICK – Rick’s Cabaret: A few days ago, I read an article about Rick’s Cabaret losing a lawsuit that made all of it’s New York strippers into full employees entitled to minimum wage.  The article mentioned that Rick’s is publicly traded, which amused me, so I bought a few shares.

Those are the positions I have with one brokerage, across three accounts.   I didn’t share the balances, but overall, I have had a 10% return on these investments.

Now, I’ll share the contents of my wife’s inherited IRA.   This money was entirely in a money market when she inherited it last year.  She got nervous and would only let me play with half of it.  That half has averaged a 20% return since June 2012, with part of it hitting 29%.

These are all Fidelity funds for a specific 401k program.  I have no idea our accessible the funds are to the general public.  We are working on an IRA-mandated withdrawal of this money, so it will be moving over the course of years.

PYR INX LFC 2010/2035/2040/2045/2050 – These are targeted date funds.  Each of them has had at least a 20% return.

SM&MID Cap Equity – This fund currently has a 29% 1 year return.

That’s my investment portfolio.  Some gambles, some amusement, some solid investments.   I think I’m doing pretty well.  What do you think?

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Funerals Cost Too Much

Finance, Life

When my mother-in-law died, we weren’t prepared to pay for her funeral.    We were three years into our debt repayment and were throwing every available cent at our last credit card.  We had a couple of thousand dollars in savings, but that was earmarked for property taxes, braces, and a few other things that make money go away.

Then we found out we had a $1500 bill just to get her released and moved to the funeral home.

And catering for the funeral.

And programs.

And the grave, marker, and urn.

Scratch the last one.  My mother-in-law prepaid for her grave site and had a funeral insurance policy to cover the marker, cremation, vault, and urn.  She paid $800 and saved us nearly $1900 last spring.

By the end, we spent about $2500 for everything, including a reception at the funeral home.

I can’t describe how helpful that was.   We couldn’t have covered it without debt, and the money we inherited was months away.

A little pre-planning on her part smoothed out the hardest time in our lives.

In 2009, the average cost for a funeral was $7,755.  That’s a lot of cake for something that often catches you by surprise.   In 2012, the average savings balance  in the U.S. was $5,923.

Unexpected funeral expenses are a “wipe me out” expense.  In a flash–a heart attack, a car accident–your life savings can get sucked into death expenses, leaving your family with nothing.

That reminds me, it’s time to buy a pair of grave plots.

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Anna Chapman and Edward Snowden: How to afford a long-distance romance?

Celebrities

100703anna_chapman
100703anna_chapman (Photo credit: alanconnor)

Recently Russian spy Anna Chapman tweeted a proposal to fellow spy Edward Snowden, as in a marriage proposal. News reports covering the Internet event report that Chapman would not reveal whether she was serious but asked reporters to use their imaginations. So it is yet to be seen whether there will be spy marriage ahead for the two notorious leakers. What is true, however, is that no nuptials can take place at the moment, even if Anna Chapman were serious and Edward Snowden. That is because the United States has revoked Snowden’s U.S. passport, and marriage ceremonies cannot take place in the airport where Snowden is trying to buy time. So how can Chapman and Snowden afford a long-distance relationship? Follow this quick guide of tips for helping the spies survive what could be a long road ahead!

Finding Deals

Anna Chapman has the most mobility right now, so she should be looking out for cheap flights to where Snowden is hiding out. A long-distance relationship can be expensive, so that is why finding deals on air travel is key. She can drop into the airport for a quick rendevouz. Why not?

Saving Money

These two potential spy lovers and super team need to save their money at every turn. Hiding out in secrete is costly, so they should create a special account that they both can add to for getaway and meeting expenses. Meeting at the airport is going to get old after a while, so they need to find a safe space where they can enjoy one another and sustain their relationship. Long-distance relationships are known for their difficulty because a couple spend so much time trying to reconnect every time they see one another.

Pick Your Fights

Long-distance relationships have little room for petty fighting. You see each other so infrequently that you have to cherish the time you have together. Instead of talking spy business, Anna Chapman and Edward Snowden should make sure they are focusing on each other by getting to know each other and focusing on the small things that make them happy together. Petty fighting will destroy a long-distance relationship. Chapman and Snowden should part each meeting feeling good about the other instead of feeling frustrated.

Kiss and Makeup

The key to long-distance relationships is always to kiss and makeup before leaving. No matter what the spies face together or apart, they cannot let their professions and media scrutiny come between them. Instead, they need to focus on their love and passion. Make sure to share a passionate kiss before leaving each meeting so that the memory of love and admiration is fresh on the mind. With a little effort in the romance department, Chapman and Snowden will be well on their way to creating harmony in their relationship. Moving from shallow levels to more deeper levels, however, is going to take time.

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Net Worth and other stuff

Misc

Net worth

This was not a good year for our net worth.

Over the summer, we remodeled both of our bathrooms.  At the same time.

1 out of 10: Don’t recommend.

We love the bathrooms, but–as with any project–it went over budget.   Sucks to be us.

Then, towards the end of the year, we decided to push hard and pay off our mortgage in 2015.   Part of doing that meant paying the credit card off slower than we’d like.   It wasn’t the best long-term decision, but we’re mortgage-free now.

Those decision, coupled with a small slump in our investment accounts means we are worth $7650 going into 2016 than we were at the start of 2015.

Disappointing.

I’m also disappointed that our credit card discipline slipped last year.

New plan:  No debt before tax day.   Every cent of Linda’s paycheck, every cent of my monthly bonus checks, and every cent of any extra money we make is going into the remaining credit card debt.   My math says that last debt will die on April 1st.

Then we get to talk about what to do with out money when there’s no debt.   But never fear, I have a plan.   A boring, boring plan.

  • We’re going to save for college at a rate we should have started 10 years ago.
  • We’re going to max out both of our retirement plans.
  • We’re going to take some nicer family vacations.
  • We’re going to buy a pony.

So not that boring.

And when our kids all decide to become certified sign-spinners, we’ll have a huge nest-egg in the college fund savings account to spend on lottery tickets.

I Won the Lottery!

Finance, Life

No, I didn’t, but this is what I’d do if I won an obnoxious amount of money.

  1.  Take 6 months or a year, hire traveling tutors for the kids, and see the world.  This gives the extra benefit of being completely out of reach for anyone trying to borrow money.
  2. Pay off the mortgages of a few close family and friends.
  3. Set aside a big chunk to support my decadent, extravagant lifestyle.
  4. Create a fund.

This fund will have the purpose of making all of my descendants live life on the easy setting in perpetuity.   It will give them enough money to cover the major hurdles everyone has in life, without giving enough that they don’t have to work.   Here’s the money I see them getting:

  • Upon the birth or adoption of a child with my last name (Because I’m a jerk like that.  My name will last forever!): $10,000
  • Graduate high school with at least a B average: $5,000
  • Attending college while making progress towards graduation: $10,000 per year, up to 8 years(to allow for doctors and rocket scientists and stuff)
  • Graduating college:  The amount of college costs (tuition, room & board, etc.) up to $200,000.
  • Marriage, provided my descendant maintains my last name: $20,000
  • Starting a business, up to twice in a lifetime: $50,000

Each of these items that occur after the recipient becomes an adult would have the stipulation that their will gifts half of their estate back to the fund.  That way, everyone who got this headstart will help pay it forward.

This will require management, so I would appoint trustees to manage it.   Their job will be to grow the fund and adjudicate any requests.   They will have the authority to buy property, invest in businesses, or whatever will grow the fund to support future generations of my spawn.   Three, because that way there can be no ties.   Each of the three will have a named successor, who must be one of my descendants.   They will, of course, earn salaries.   I don’t see this being part-time work.   A salary that puts them at the 80th income percentile in the US seems fair.   They won’t have the ability to give themselves raises, beyond a statistical adjustment.

Amounts can be adjusted to cover rising costs, inflation, or potential depletion of the fun upon the majority vote of the Council of Three, with the overriding goal of making sure the fund survives to help future generations.

I actually see the organization of this being a corporation built around the management of a trust fund, but I’m not a lawyer or an accountant, and this is a fantasy, so I can see it however I want.

Yes, I follow the patriarchal model of maintaining my last name.   Sue me.   My last name, a parent who is descended from me and has my last name, and a will that states you’ll do your part to continue the awesomeness isn’t a high price to pay to avoid nearly all of the expensive things that hold people back.

That’s my master plan to take over the world, in the future, by proxy.