Friends and Acquaintances

June 15, 2011 By 5 Comments

“Friends help you move. Good friends help you move bodies.”

-unknown

Some people have dozens of friends. I’m not that guy.

I have 6.

Everybody in the world can be divided into 4 categories.

  • Strangers. A xenophobe’s nightmare. These are the people you don’t know, whether they are passing you on the sidewalk, or newborns on the opposite side of the world.
  • Acquaintances. These are the people you’ve met, mostly in passing. They tend not to have much effect on your life. You may pass a friendly bus ride in conversation, but it’s nothing that sticks. A waitress, the clerk at the store, a friend’s latest date; these are the people you interact with for just a moment and rarely think about further.
  • Friendlies. Most people call these folks friends. I don’t. I’m friendly with them, hence the name, but it’s not true friendship. Often, they are either my wife’s friends, or my friends’ wives. Sometimes, they are a friend of a friend that I only see at parties, or a coworker that I get along with, but never see outside of work. We’re friendly, but not obliged. I may help with some things, but it’s not necessarily a priority. I’ll go to a funeral, but probably won’t help plan it.
  • Friends. To me, calling someone a friend is a big deal. I’m willing to do a lot for my friends. They are able to command large amounts of my time, and ask any number of favors. If needed, I’ll open my home or help demolish their’s. Loyalty, honesty, trust, respect, and companionship are all a part of my definition of a friend. If a friend needs help, I’ll come running. In return, I expect the same.

 

 

 

Family tends to fall into the same analogous categories.

It sounds cold, but I hesitate to let people graduate into the final category. My wife used to try to “set me up” with people that she thought I’d like to be friends with, thinking I was sad to have so few friends. It took years for her to realize that I was happy. It’s a matter of quality over quantity. Most of the friends I have, I’ve had for 10 years or more. I’ve known each of them for at least 5 years, not that time is a requirement.

Moving people into the “friends” category is a lot like dating. You get along, so you invite the potential friends out for a drink, one on one. You feel them out to see if they are compatible. You meet their families, share some food, build some history. If it all works out, eventually, you consider them a true friend, even if you couldn’t mark the date of the transition.

You wouldn’t marry everyone you date, so why would turn everyone you basically get along with into a friend?

Do you have a lot of friends? What marks friendship for you?

 

 

 

 

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Is Your Budget Doing More Harm Than Good?

March 8, 2010 By 5 Comments

Do you stress over your money?

Is your spouse under the impression that you are constantly fighting over money?

Are you constantly fighting over money?

Have you completely eliminated your quality of life?

Do you spend hours each week analyzing where your money has gone?

A total budget can have a negative effect on the other parts of your life. If your spouse isn’t 100% on board, maybe he/she needs some “blow money” that doesn’t need to be tracked. If you aren’t spending enough time with your children because you are tracking expenses and adjusting your budget every day, you need to automate something, or at least loosen your standards. Maybe tracking every penny isn’t the right method of budgeting for you.

Don’t let the perfect budget destroy the rest of your life. If money is still a fight, you’re going to need to compromise on something, now, or you’ll end up compromising with the help of a divorce attorney.

Don’t forget, you are living now, not in the future. Plan for the future, but live in the present. There is a balance there, somewhere. Find it, or you and your loved ones won’t be happy.

Update: This post has been included in the Money Hacks Carnival.

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No Brakes

December 2, 2009 By

Growing up, I was mostly poor, but I didn’t realize it. The electricity was never shut off and I never missed a meal, but there was rarely money for anything extra. Clothes were only purchased immediately before school started. Shoes were always at least one size too big. Hand-me-downs were a way of life. With very rare exceptions, new toys were given on birthdays and at Christmas. As a Christmas baby, this was unfortunate. If I wanted something during the year, I had to buy it. I had an allowance on and off-more off than on-for a few years. So, I got my first job-a paper route-when I was six. Most of the toys I accumulated as a child, I bought.

Through all of this, my parents never said “We can’t afford it.” I was simply told that if I wanted something, I could either save my money or wait for Christmas. I never saw my parents paying bills, but they got paid. I never saw a checkbook get balanced, but it did. There were only a few times money management was ever mentioned, even in passing.

Naturally, when I moved out on my own, I expected money to take care of itself, just as it had the entire time I was growing up. That wasn’t terrible until I got married, bought a house, built an addition and decided a needed a new car. There was nothing in me to apply the brakes. I can count the number of missed payments I’ve had on one hand-with fingers left over. I can’t begin to guess the number of purchases, both large and small, that I should have skipped but didn’t.

Shortages growing up coupled with absolutely no budget training turned into financial irresponsibility as an adult.

My wife grew up with almost the exact opposite training. She was also poor, but the household budget was clearly in evidence and generally taken to an extreme. Her training involved getting “the best bang for the buck”. If an item was on sale and could potentially be useful, her mother bought five. I don’t mean five similar variations. That’s five identical products, same size, same color. She still has a display box full of screwdrivers with interchangeable tips. It looked useful and it was on sale, so she bought them all.

Through all of that, the bills were always paid.

This training has made it difficult for my wife to turn down a sale price. If something is on sale-or worse, clearance-there is an excellent chance it will be coming to our house. Once again, there are no brakes.

Shortages growing up coupled with almost two decades of watching every sale turn into a purchase has turned into financial irresponsibility growing up.

Neither one of us were prepared to handle the financial aspect of being an adult. That is something we intend to improve on for our children. We intend to give them the ability to brake themselves.

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Introduction

November 18, 2009 By Leave a Comment

I am a husband, father of three, and a software engineer and I think I am going through a mid-life crisis*. I woke up one morning and took stock of my life. There are quite a few things I am not happy with in my life. It’s time to correct that.

We have too much debt. My wife and I have gone through a slow financial meltdown over the last ten years. We spent so much time living beyond our means that, now that we are earning a comfortable salary, we can’t afford to do the things we did on half this income. Our lives are upside down. This is going to change. As a start, I’ve been slashing expenses and selling my toys in an effort to get out of debt.

We have too much stuff. I’ve been downsizing and simplifying everything we own. I have thrown out truckloads of stuff we don’t need or can do without. We recently moved a close friend into our spare bedroom. Making room for him was a chore, due to our excess crap. It’s gotta go. If we don’t know what we have, we don’t need it.

I’m out of shape. I used to be in great shape. Ten years of surburbia and desk jobs has changed that. I’ve started running and will get back in shape. I intend to live long enough to be a happy burden to my children.

I don’t spend enough time with my wife. I’m still completely in love, but we need to be closer. I’m in this for the long haul. Fifty years of watching TV isn’t good enough. We need to be close.

Those are my problems and some hints towards my plans to correct my life. There is nothing I’ve earned that I regret, but definitely some things I want to improve. In short, I want to be the man my children think I am. I have three wonderful children, and I want our lives to be as perfect as possible.

Please, join me for the ride, starting December first.

*If this is mid-life, I’ve made some very bad life choices.

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