Birthday Parties are Evil

This is a post from my archives.

I hate birthday parties. Well, not all birthday parties. Not even most parties. Just the expensive-for-the-sake-of-expensive parties. The bar-raising parties. The status-boosting parties. I’m done.

My son is seven years older than my first daughter. In those seven years, with only one kid, we managed to spoil him regarding birthday parties. Every party was big and there were a lot of presents. That’s an expensive way to run a birthday and it is a lot of stress. We even moved the parties home, but still invited all of our friends and family. It was much too stressful.

A good friend used the pizza and game place, buying tokens for everyone at the party. That’s incredibly expensive. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t afford that for three kids. There’s an element of keeping up with everyone around me, but I just can’t make myself care about that anymore. They aren’t paying my debt or cleaning my house. They don’t get a vote.

My plan this year was to have a sleepover for my son. He had five friends spend the night, playing games and watching movies. They giggled and squealed for eighteen hours, all for the cost of some take-and-bake pizzas and snacks. It was a hit for everyone involved. The other parents got a night off and all of the kids had a blast.

My girls are one and two. We’re done with parties for them, too. They got big parties for their first birthdays. Those are parties for the adults; the kids don’t care. In a few years-even a few months-they won’t remember the party. My older daughter’s birthday will be a trip to the apple orchard, followed by cake and ice cream. She’ll get presents. She’ll get “her day”. She’ll remember that her birthday is special, without costing a lot of money.

We want them to have fun. We want them all to feel special. We also want to manage their expectations and keep the parties from breaking the budget. So far this year, it is working.

How do you run a birthday party on a budget?

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Ending A Streak

The first year I decorated our yard for Halloween was 1999. The first year we through a Halloween party was 1998.Beauty Queen

Our parties tend to fall on the legendary side. Between setup, cleanup, and out-of-town guests, the party is a 3-4 day affair. People reserve our spare beds a year in advance. The day of the party itself, we’re going from 10AM until 5AM, cooking, drinking, and talking. Over the 10 hours the party is actively going, we have 50-60 guests in and out.

Our yard is a neighborhood attraction. We’ve been on the news and in the newspaper. By the end of Halloween night, the path through the yard is nearly worn down to bare dirt. The spot the large coffin sits takes 6 weeks to rejuvenate in the spring. I’ve literally scared kids right out of their masks. Little old ladies have jumped out in the air, shrieking, only to ask me to hide again, so they can bring their husbands over to enjoy the startle.

This year, we end the 13-year unbroken streak of fear and debauchery. We’ve been doing this since before any my oldest kid was weaned.

It’s hard to take a break, but…

Dealing with my mother-in-law’s house has been far too much work for us. We spent all summer cleaning out the hoarding mess.

And fixing up the yard.

And replacing the boiler.

And fixing the plumbing.

And updating the electrical system.

And fixing up the basement.

And patching the walls.

And selling the cars.

And sorting through 30 years of every scrap of paper that has ever come through the house.

And dealing with all of the memories, and the pictures, and the past.

It’s been too much, and it’s not done.

Now, it’s the middle of October, and the idea of stealing the extra time to add the extra stress of setting up the yard and throwing a big party makes me want to break down.Spooky

Two days to set up the yard, only to have some kid steal my favorite, irreplaceable pieces, then two days to pack it all up.

A day of decorating inside, followed by a party and a hungover day of cleaning it all up.

All of that, while losing time from the side business and pushing through to the end of the property preparation from hell.

I can’t do it, so, as sad as it makes me, we’re taking the year off. No Halloween events at my house this year.

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Birthdays on the Cheap

Birthdays are expensive. Shoot, I’ve said that before. It’s usually true, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are five ways to cut birthday party costs. Note: If you’re trying to cut costs on an adult party, just replace the word “kid” with “guest of honor”.

1. Location, location, location. The amusement park/pizza place is nice if you like bad pizza, but it’s certainly not cheap. The inflatable playground may be the talk of the school for a day or two, but it’ll flex your debit card in ways it’s just not used to. Why? Kids, being kids, are capable of entertaining themselves. They’ve got imaginations that should make most adults weep with envy. If that fails, make them play a board game or in the worst case, some video games. Lock the wild young’ns in the basement and let ’em go nuts for a couple of hours. It’ll be a blast, I promise.

2. Why invite the world? How many friends does your kid actually have? I’m not talking about all of the kids in school he’s not fighting with or every kid on the block that hasn’t TP’d your house. I mean actual friendship. If they don’t play together regularly, nobody will be offended about missing an invitation. Invite the entire class? That’s just nuts. Thirty ankle-biters smearing cupcakes on the wall? No thank you. You kid will have more fun with 2-3 close friends than 20-30 acquaintances.

3. Toy flood. What was the last toy your kid played with? The last 10? How many toys have been completely neglected for months or years? How many stuffed animals are buried so deep in the pile in the corner that they are wishing for a fluffy Grim Reaper to come put them out of their misery? Don’t buy your kid clutter. It’s a hassle to clean up-and you will-and it trains them into bad habits for a lifetime. One or two things that they will treasure(or, better yet, wear!) will work our much better for everyone than a dozen things to forget in a toy box. Too many toys guarantees that the kid won’t get attached to any of them. Down with kid-clutter!

4. Designer Cake. Who needs a fancy cake? Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you going to start a fire on the thing, then cut it up and give it to a dozen little runts to rub in their hair? If you can’t bake it yourself, a quarter sheet is cheap at the big box grocery stores and will guarantee leftovers. Nothing starts the week better than chocolate marble cake for breakfast on Monday.

5. Food. Don’t. That was easy. Scheduling is an important way to keep costs down. Don’t have the party at lunch time. For small children, 1:30 PM is about perfect. The parents won’t stick around once the kids are ready for a nap. For older kids, 4PM means they will need to be home for dinner. That cuts the menu down to kool-aid, light snack food, and cake. It also ensures that the party won’t drag on forever.

It’s possible to have a budget birthday party without being totally lame. Give it a shot. Your kids won’t mind.

This post is a blast from the past.

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