The Zombie Guide to Saving

Mr Zombie

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Nobody has ever accused a zombie of being smart.  The are, after all, dead and rotting.  Their primary means of education themselves is eating the brains of the living, which is hardly an efficient learning style.  Besides, in a strictly Darwinian sense, their victims are among the least qualified to teach useful skills.

Zombies smell.  They are little more than flesh-eating monsters.  They are lousy in the sack.  Yet, for all their flaws, have you ever heard of a zombie in debt or worried about financing retirement?  They are obviously doing something right.

What can you learn from a zombie? That depends on the type of zombie.  Not all of the life-challenged were created equal.

There are 3 main types of zombies:

1.  Slow shamblers are best recognized by their lurching gait and unintelligible grunting, similar to a frat party at 3AM.  They are rarely fresh specimens.  Arguably the the scariest of all zeds, due to the sheer inevitability of their assault, they do always get where they are going, even if it takes a while.   Trapped in a pit or a pool, they will keep trying to reach their goal.  A slow shambler, were he able to effectively communicate beyond the basic “Hey, can I eat your brain?” would tell you to approach your goals like the famous tortoise: slowly.  Set aside an affordable amount in savings every week, no matter what. Even if your are stuck saving just $10 each month, you will eventually get your sweet, sweet brains.

2.  Voodoo zombies are the still-living, yet mindless minions on a voodoo priest.  These unlucky non-corpses crossed the wrong people–usually by stealing or not repaying their debts–and ended up cursed for it.  They are forced to do the bidding of their masters until such time as their debt has been repaid, if ever.  Their warning is to always pay your debts and do not steal.  Honest, ethical behavior is the best way to avoid this fate.

3.  Runners are almost always “fresh” to the game.  As they decompose, they slowly transform into slow shamblers.  These fellas can often pass for the living…from a distance.  By the time you get close enough to identify them as monsters, your brains are on the menu.  They are capable of sprinting for short distances and, on occasion, have even been seen to run up vertical walls.  To properly categorize the runners, we have to break them down into 2 sub-groups.  The first sub-group is the envy of all zombies still capable of envy.  They have used their skills to trap enough prey(that’s us, folks!) that they will feel no hunger for the foreseeable future.  They are secure.  They are the successful runners.   The other sub-group tries to emulate the first, but lack both planning and follow-through.   While the first group builds momentum to secure their future, the second group tends to use that momentum to smack face-first into the wall, confused at where their lunch went.  Constantly charging from one thing to the next, they never manage to sink a claw into their goals.   To avoid falling into the second group, you’ll have to settle on a strategy and pursue it with all the single-minded, decomposing determination you can muster.

You know what they say: “Great minds taste alike.”  What kind of financial zombie are you?

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    1. Anything about zombies is gold! And let me tell you, there is nothing more scary than a “runner”. I think you should start a personal finance series all using zombie analogies!

      Don’t think we’ve ever met, but we’re fellow yakeziers…so nice to meet you!

      • Nice to meet you too!

        I’ve been thinking about a series using different undead monsters for different aspects of personal finance. Vampire this, ghoul that.

    2. Hahaha – I like this! Especially the thought of being ethical when dealing with creditors!

    3. Hi Jason,
      This is so interesting. I know that we can always get golden lessons even on freaky things such as zombies, especially that Halloween is fast approaching. When it comes to saving, it’s always been my virtue to be precise and prudent.


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