Cthulhu’s Guide to Finance

This is a guest post from Cthulhu, written in his house at R’lyeh.  In the eons of his imprisonment, he has never contributed a blog post…until now.   Be nice, this is his first post ever.


Cthulhu fhtagnCthulhu fhtagn. Cthulhu waits.   Eons in R’lyeh–dead but dreaming–have taught me well the virtue of patience.    Rush not into the abyss of hasty decisions.Lie patiently until the stars align and you can once again dominate your investments.  As much as I despise virtues, patience is the one I practice.

Just as looking upon my form may cost you your sanity, obsessing over your finances may cost your loved ones the same.   Instead, set your finances on a path of prosperity and work to hasten my return.     Spend less than you earn. Earn more than you need.    Give the rest to me.

Use the Shoggoth.  Thought the postules of greenish light light may disgust those who have never devoured an entire planet, they are good for menial work.   Use them, or their demented cousin, the automatic payment, to pay your bills.   Set them to the task of making sure all of your bills are paid on time, leaving you free for more productive works.  Do not, however, make the mistake of Ubbo-Sathla, whose fecundity spawned the vermin prototype known as homo sapiens.   Keep your Shoggoth under control so they do not spend what you have not yet earned.

Avoid the Deep Ones.   When dealing with the paramount evil(though I shouldn’t say that as a bad thing) of lenders, beware my servants.    If they catch you in over your head, you will be screwed.    If you cannot pay the price, there will be fees and punishments galore.   A proper Cthulhu-fest of Chaos and Mayhem at your expense! A pound of flesh for every dollar not paid will be the standard when I arise, but for now, it is $39 for missing a payment or spending more than your limit.

“The only saving grace of the present is that it’s too damned stupid to question the past very closely.”  This quote by my favorite historian demonstrates the futility of your mortal existence.  If you learn from your mistakes, or–less painfully–the mistakes of others, you will grow as a person.   Personal growth is entirely at odds with my goals as the Greater Evil.   Learning from your mistakes will prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future.    Einstein once said “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” is the definition of insanity.  That, or looking upon my form.   One of those acts can be avoided.  It is in your best interests to avoid insanity, at least until I awaken.

So many of those inhabiting my Earthly domain seem to suffer from my get Ghatanothoa‘s curse–absolute petrification in the face of their travails.   When faced with a foe, fight!   Do not collapse under the burden of your debts!  Work!  An inch, a dollar, a pound at a time: Defeat it!  Do not quit and do not give up.  Cthulhu does not forget or forgive.

That is the wisdom brought forth from my dead-but-dreaming slumber in R’yleh.   Read it, understand it, follow it.  It will serve you well until my return.

This post has been resurrected because I want to see it on the front page again.

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